Records Manager sounds so much better

than File Clerk. Yep, I'm up obsessing about my job. I was laying there, in bed, thinking about the company I now work for. It's only a small company. They only did 1.5 million last year and I guess they're still growing. I'm now sunk in all the paperwork from just this year. I have all of last years and a little bit of 2003 piled up around my office. All of it needs to be filed. Supposedly what I'm to do is rearrange all of the client and vendor files, file, sort etc. There are two girls in the office, one in receivables and one in accounts payables. Those two ladies are the reason I have this job. Sometime in 2004 they gave up telling the owner that they needed help. They were doing all they were supposed to do plus dispatching and then filing in their spare time. They stopped filing. They started piling. It only took a year before the owner realized that he couldn't find anything, anymore. They then hired me. An ex-records manager sort of person without any formal training in Records Management. I've just a lot of experience and an uncanny ability to organize. Well, I've got things organized now to where I (and anybody I explain my system to) can look in the right places. I've done a lot in this past month only working part time. Now, I'm afraid, I'm slipping into the abyss I think of as full time. I can't work full time. I'll get sick again. I'll make myself sick again. I'll get totally stessed out and only think, eat and sleep the job. I don't want to go there again....unless it means a lot of money and I sort of doubt that's in the near future. No I mean it, I don't want to go back to the way I was. No wonder I drank when I got home. I was always so keyed up that many times I interrupted people while they were talking because I was in too much of a hurry to even let them complete their thoughts. It was all about me. Hmmm. I wasn't even thinking about my alcoholism when I started this post.
Maybe what this post is really about is my fear of returning to the old me. I could see it happening. I wasn't so bad back then was I? Ohhh I was. They say you can't go back but the truth is you can. You can if you stop thinking about what's really going on with you. I can if I just go blindly into another form of addiction. The workalcoholic.
Well, I feel better now. I think I can sleep now. Nuff said.

When I Was Drinking

especially towards the end, I lost a lot of stuff. My DVD player, my VCR, Computer, my car for a night. I'd meet these guys at the 611 and bring them home and pass out and wake up and stuff and money would be gone. I'd swear never to go there again, then get drunk and do it again. Sometimes I wonder how I could be so stupid but I know it was really about drinking. Tonight, not 10 minutes ago, one of "those guys" came to my gate and rang the bell. As soon as I saw who it was, I closed up my PC as I don't want anybody to know I have one again. It's too portable and to be honest there isn't much security at my place. Of course, Max would just lick any intruder and welcome them in. Sometimes I think he's too darn friendly. I find it hard to believe that any of them would still come around. Everytime they do I tell them how long I've been sober, that my life has changed and that it's nice to see them but don't come back. They always walk away mad and then 3 or 4 month later, they're back. It will probably go on like this forever until I move. My apartment is nice and mid-way between the bars and the crack neighborhood. How handy. Now that I've thought about it I'm sure, for them, it seems like yesterday that I was still partying and an easy mark. But for me, it's been about 1 1/2 years since I did anything with them and I'm not going back. If I wasn't worried about shooting off my foot I'd seriously think about getting a gun. No worries, I won't.

I'm so tired.

I've recently complained to my sponsor and my therapist about how tired I seem to be lately. I really thought that once I started working out I'd feel more energized and I don't. When I first quit drinking I couldn't sleep at all. Now I seem to sleep constantly. I slept good Friday night and then I lay down for a nap on Saturday afternoon around 4 pm and I didn't wake up till 8:15 pm. Jeese. Then I slept last night till 5 this morning. Now I feel like taking a nap again. Nobody should need 15 hours of sleep each day, should they? I'm not depressed. I used to sleep a lot when I was depressed. Maybe I'm getting too much exercise at the gym. I'm sure my trainer wouldn't agree. Heck, I'm not bored. I've got lots to do. I just feel tired. My therapist says I've gone from standing still to suddenly going 60 mph. Both he and my sponsor suggested I give it another month. Patience has never been one of my virtues. I'll try.

I really do want to quit.

What's in it for me? Still need convincing? Soak up some instant gratification by reading these after-you-quit quick facts.

20 minutes: blood pressure and pulse rate decrease
8 hours: carbon monoxide and oxygen levels in the blood return to normal
1 day: chances of having a heart attack decreases
2 days: nerve endings regenerate; sense of smell and taste are enhanced
2 weeks: circulation improves and lung function increases
1-9 months: coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease
1 year: chances of having a heart attack drop by 50 percent
5 years: chances of having a stroke are reduced to the same levels as a non-smoker
10 years: risk of dying from lung cancer is about half that of a current smoker
15 years: risk of coronary heart disease and death become roughly equivalent to those who've never smoked

Mae West
Originally uploaded by donbo7011.

I really want to quit.

Larry & Max

Larry & Max
Originally uploaded by LgJones.

Thanks to dAAve and Scott and their continued patience I think, I've finally figured out how to post pics. You guys are great. This is my dog Max and I. I'm the one with the beard.

I Was Talking to My Neighbor

Wade last night. We were comparing notes about how some days we don't even think about alcohol and some days we do. I often go for days without thinking about taking a drink and then out of nowhere it comes. The want, the craving, the need for alcohol. Sometimes it's only for a second, sometimes it lasts for days. But there's a difference in me that wasn't there before. I used to never think about the consequences of my actions. I never really gave any serious thought about anything except how I could get my next drink. I was using the drink to hide from the reality of my life. Now, I still get the cravings but I don't act on them. I try some of the tricks of AA and wait for it to stop. I know some of it is about romanticizing my old actions (the one's I remember) and some of it's about wanting to escape whatever is bothering me at the moment, and sometimes I swear, it's the full moon. None of those reasons are good enough for me to give up my sobriety. At least I'm not going to drink today.

To My Sponsor

Well we could just email each other. Now I understand why dAAve suggested I blog my new schedule, to you. But before I do, fellow bloggers, imagine if you will, a job that let's you come and go to work as often, as little, just about any time you want. Then they tell you to wear what you want. I never even thought about heels and a dress. But shorts and sandals definitely are in the picture. I've recently emailed the Boss, Head Honcho, Big Daddy, El Numero Ono with a few ideas of how we could change some things and do it all more efficiently and his replies have been "Good ideas, make it happen." Doesn't sound like anyone I've worked for lately. I'm in Heaven. Now if they'd just move closer to my neighborhood I'd never want to leave. Anyway, now that I'm able to be extremely flexible with my schedule I plan to go in to work Tuesday-Friday at 6:00am and leave by 11:30 so i can make the 12:15 meeting at Lambda. Also on Tuesday mornings I intend to go to the 6:30 meeting so I can continue with the step study. Intentions, intentions. Hope I can do all I intend to do...See ya.

I set the alarm for 4 am.

and I actually got up. My plan is to go to the 6:30 am. meeting this morning before I go to work. On Tuesdays is a BB study and luckily for me it's Step 1. Yea, I've done this one and only this one before. That was about a year ago and I think I'm ready to start again. That will make my friends at AA happy but of course, I'm not doing it for them. It's for me. I read a lot and yesterday I couldn't find anything to read as I was on my way to the laundro-mat and thought oh well, there's always the Big Book. So I read a few chapters and took my time doing it. I can read really fast but that doesn't include thinking while reading! It was worth it. Like going to the gym, I felt good for doing a positive thing in my recovery. Have a Great Day

I Keep Seeing Signs

Signs that my HP is at work. Yesterday my friend Chris and I went to see his landlady whose in the hospital with terminal cancer. She's a sweetie and has always been nice to Max and I. I just wanted to let her know we were thinking about her. I took her a pic of Max and that's the only time she tear'd up. She loves my dog.
As Chris and I were getting on the elevator, this cute guy jumps in, all in a rush. He pushed the button for the eighth floor we took seven and that was it. As Chris and I were leaving, back down in the lobby, we saw him again and he did a double-take as we passed each other. Made my day. We rode the train to the car and then home.
Scott and dAAve asked me to coffee and so I went down to Hollywood (where I never go) for coffee with the guys. That cute guy was behind the counter and was my coffee server. I reminded him of our earlier encounter and we chatted for a while. Now remember, I live in Houston. It's only got a few million people running around and we were in the Medical Center which is a city within it's self. So is someone "up there" looking out for my love life too? Was it a coincidence? How many of those do we get a week? Coincidences I mean, not cute guy encounters. I guess I'll go back for coffee this week. Just have to wait and see what happens.

I went for coffee yesterday with Scott and dAAve

and heard that I should blog more often. I'm sorry. You know I just finished my third week of working, going to the gym, going to AA, dog walking, shopping, cooking, doing laundry, yard work and everything else that happens in a typical day and I just don't always feel like sharing globally. I seem to post when something sticks in my brain for a few hours. I like to work out what I'm going to say a little bit before I actually sit down and start typing. Hey it's just my way. No guilt really.
I have decided to do a gratitude List for the first time ever, in print.

1. I'm grateful for my tiny apt.
2. For my dog Max, my best friend
3. For my sponsor, best one in the world.
4. That my rent, cable, insurance, electric, phone bills are paid this month.
5. For my little yard that is really starting to shape up inspite of the dog.
6. For my car that against all odds, it keeps on running.
7. For my friends that I've gotten since getting sober.
8. For my family inspite of the fact that they still push my buttons.
9. That I can often think clearly now about what's really going on with people.
10. That I still like to cook even when I'm sober.
11. And many more but mainly that I'm alive today and able to help someone in need.

I'll try to write more often.

When I Started at Lambda

I was tense. Heck, I was still drunk. All these people wanted to "hug" me. What was wrong with them I thought. At first I was surprised and not a little pissed that these idiots wouldn't or couldn't just shake hands or say "Hello" from across the room. Noooo. They had to get up and come over and hug me. I'm not that kind of person who just has sex or hugs with someone I don't know very well and I'd rather just shake your hand. Why wont they get it? Do I have to explain it to each one of them, everytime. You'd think they'd notice the cringing I was going through but no, they were oblivious. And so on it went, me cringing and them hugging and finally after I got a sponsor I told him how I felt. He seemed surprised. I can't even remember what he said but whenever he saw me he'd head towards me to you-know-what me and then he'd pull up short and say, "Oh,that's right. You don't like to be hugged." He always sounded disappointed, to me. So finally I started hugging him when I saw him cause he's so sweet and good and I know he's not just trying to cop a feel. Well, I don't think he is.
That was all over 1 1/2 years ago and now I still don't hug every person I see at Lambda. I say HI and give a few hugs here and there mainly to the people I'm close with and occasionally to those who really look or act like they could use it. I don't cringe anymore. I hardly even think about it. I don't know it this hugging ritual is only at Lambda or if all AA people do that. I've never been anywhere but Lambda and I'm fine with that , for the moment. I have made a lot of friends here, maybe not as close as the friends I left behind when I got sober, but friends nevertheless. We are close in other respects. After all were all in this together. The struggle against addiction. And as for those hugs, I haven't been with a man in over 1 1/2 years and this may be the only physical contact I get with another person. I'm for it. Hug me!

higher powered

higher powered

For those of you who have been wondering about this link. This was not my first attempt at linking someone but it's the first one to actually show up on the Blog. It's been so long since I did it that I can't remember how I got this far along. I'm not giving up. It will get better.

What do you remember?

I've been thinking. Look out! To be honest, I really thought that once I quit having blackouts I'd be able to remember everything that happened to me. Yeah, right. I remember that I don't have Altzhiemer's and that maybe everything that happened to me yesterday wasn't worth remembering and yet, I question why? don't I remember what I read yesterday? Blogs for example. Once I get there to read today's post I remember I read it yesterday but not before. If I think about it, I'm bombarded daily with things to remember. There's my lists of things to do, the news, what happened at the meeting (should I show up) (the working man, don't you know?), did I see someone I know today or was it yesterday or did I dream it? I'm a fanatic about recording and watching my TV programs but I can't remember which ones I've watched. What books did I read recently? Am I going mad? Do I have Altzheimer's?? Maybe so. I guess if it's worth remembering I will. I now (newly learned) know to chop an onion really well and I guess I still remember how to type. So it's not all bad. I guess being sober is not quite the Nirevana I thought it would be but it's way better than what I had before...If I remember right.

Growing Up, We Heard These:

I've been sitting here remembering some of the silly sayings I heard while growing up in Pennsylvania. I don't know that these were heard only by Pennsylvanian's from my area or if they're just some of the sayings passed down from family to family.
"Cute as a Dickens" Other than the cute I have no idea what it means but it must have been all about me.
"If your not good we'll give you back to the Indian's". Turns out we do have Cherokee blood in our veins. Was that a threat? I think I would have liked living in a tepee.
"Let's have Party eggs!" This one's easy. That was Grandma Aunt Betty. She always knew how to turn everyday things into an event. Her party eggs consisted mainly of scrambled eggs with pieces of bacon and toast mixed in. That was all but she made such a big production out of the creation that we all loved it!
"Wait till your father gets home, boy your gonna get it." I can't remember Dad ever having the energy to deal with us when he got home in the early years and in my later years he was often drunk and not in the mood to deal with us. Not everytime though.
"I'm going out back and cut a switch and your gonna get it!" And Mom would, by the time she resorted to going outside for that switch, Lance and I had worked her last nerve. What's good about that was that while she was out in the backyard pruning the bushes for that perfect switch, we were stuffing magazines down the backs of our pants. She'd come in rare'in to go and wail at us all over our back sides and we'd scream bloody murder and cry and beg and promise we'd never do "it" again. Mom would run out of steam and we'd run upstairs wiping the tears of laughter off our faces and roll around on the floor upstairs laughing loudly about our trick. She'd yell from downstairs that she could hear us and she was coming up! She never did. She's mentioned in the past years that she was a bad mother for doing that to us but you know, we all turned out pretty good (except for me and my alcoholism, homo-sexuality and spelling/grammar). And there is no one who could deal with my little brother and I when we got going. "It was all his fault!" "He did it first!" "I didn't do it!" "He made me do it!"

I Think I've Been Robbed

Yesterday I bought two packs of cigs with a coupon. I usually smoke a pack a day and I'm sick with a sinus infection so I'm smoking way less. I put the extra pack in the storage area between the seats with my CD player. When I went to the car this morning, the door-ajar beeper was going off and my CD player was laying on the seat. The cigs were gone. Why didn't they take the CD player? Was someone in my car? I remember thinking last night that that pack was in the car but I don't remember going out after it. Yeah, I'm not feeling well but I'm not taking any drugs for it yet. Nothing at least, that would make me woozy. When I was drinking I used to sleep walk or drunken, stumbling around, not quite awake or asleep, moving things around walk. Did I sleep walk last night and if I did, what did I do with the cigs and OH! PLEASE! Tell me I got dressed before I went to the car! So what do they say? The more things change the more they stay the same. I think I'll start wearing more clothes to bed at night, for the neighbor's sake.

All in a Day of work....

I had a good day at work and then at 4:15 pm, packed
up my stuff and headed home. I got about 2 minutes
away from work and that's when I noticed the very long
line of cars in front of me. To leave work we have to
drive down this road and cross the RR tracks then turn
on to Alameda. There was a train wreck in Pearland.
Train hit an 18 wheeler. Rumor had it that it would
take two hours to clear. I figured,oh well, I'll just
go back to work and I did. I worked until 6:15 and
then the young lady I work with decided that she was
going home no matter what! She had her husband's big
Ford pickup truck and found a path Through the
neighboring fields. She came back, for me and told me
she had followed a Ford Taurus Through. She was
leaving and wanted to know what I was going to do.
Well everyone knows that anything a Taurus can do a
Subaru can do better! We drove across at least 3
acres of fields. Old corn fields from the feel of
things. We ended up behind someone's house, drove
Through their backyard and on the Airport Road. I
kept checking behind me to see what parts of the car I
was leaving on the trial. My car rides pretty low.
Anyway, all went well and I finally got home at 8pm.
Cooked dinner and went to bed. So this is what it's
like to work for a living. Can't wait for tomorrow.
Later all....

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It's Up to Me

I said those 4 words twice this morning. Once when I put on my cap and once when I had my coffee. I have a cap and coffee mug with that printed on them. They're from our 2004 Roundup, that was the theme. I remember being really frightened about going. I was newly sober and everytime I asked someone what the Roundup was all about they just said it would be fun and I should come. It seemed to me that it must have been some kind of secret society within AA. No one would give me any information about it, there were no pamphlets available and I couldn't get a straight answer from anyone. Even my sponsor wouldn't say much and just bought me a ticket. I went and it wasn't nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be. It was OK. I met some new people, made some new friends and got to visit with some old ones. I had a nice time. I remember though that when I saw that logo on the cups I thought "I don't get it." What's it supposed to mean? I get it now.

My alcoholic Mind

Today I was sitting in traffic without AC waiting patiently for the line to move while I contemplated my day at work. I'd just finished my first week of work after being unemployed for so long. So I move along and at some point I think, "Boy, it will be nice to get home and have a drink". About 20 seconds later I realized what had just happened. I went back to my old way of thinking, the old way I used to feel on my way home from work when I was still drinking. I used to think that once I was home and had that first Vodka/Tonic everything would be fine. It used to be that when I got home my dog wouldn't greet me or would my neighbors. They all knew that I'd be too mean and grumpy until I had a few drinks under my belt. So much has changed. Now my dog greets me heartily and the neighbors aren't afraid. I still look forward to getting home but not just so I can drink the world away. I'm glad to be out in the world. I'm glad to be working and doing some service for someone other than myself.