Link I'll never drink again Vol. 2: I don't want to change to the new Blogger.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I don't want to change to the new Blogger.

It works just fine the way it is. At least for me, anyhow. I have to remember to try and be accepting of change. Change is everywhere and the older I get the less receptive I am towards it. I'll do it eventually. Anybody have anything good to say about it?

And now the real reason why I haven't written lately. About a month ago I realized, with the help of my therapist, that I'd been sexually molested when I was 12 or 13 years old. I always knew that I'd been introduced to and forced to have sex with my older cousin but because I'm gay, I never thought of it as abuse. Finally, after some intense probing from my therapist (no pun intended) I was able to realize what had really happened to me. I immediately broke down and cried and then I went numb. Since then I've been plagued by neck and back pain and fits of anger. I believe they're from what I'd realized and are sort of my way of working through all this. My therapist has been there for me whenever I call, night or day and I do appreciate his commitment to helping me through this. I haven't, nor have I wanted to, drink over this. It's never really crossed my mind. What has crossed my mind is to go to AZ and kill the motherfucker! I'm trying to forgive him. It's not easy. He's already the pariah of our family. Not allowed to come back to the home town. I believe he's been arrested in 1 or 2 states already. At least I didn't turn out like him. So, that's what's been going on and I promise to write more often...now that I've gotten over my fear. Day 70

3 Comments:

Blogger Gwen said...

Happy Valentines Day Hannen~

12:58 PM  
Blogger recoveryroad said...

It's lovely to see you post again, H.

I don't know what to say about what you've written but please don't drink over it. You know the score.

I'll remember you tonight in my meditations. I hope the physical and emotional pain and turmoil receds and you can someway, somehow find forgiveness for your cousin.

K .x.

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Corene said...

There is a saying that I've heard attributed to Buddhist monks: "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."

I think that the piece of your enlightenment described in today's blog fits this paradigm. Because, as with having HIV or cancer (which I do again -- this gets tiresome!), regular daily life soon must take priority. The dog needs shots. You want to celebrate so and so's birthday with him, because you're glad he was born. You crave some brain candy and want to go check a whodunnit out of the library. Better mop the floor, it's starting to stick to the soles of your sneaks. And would you look at that irridescent dragonfly!!

AsI see it, if you devote too much headspace to the acts of your rotten cousin for too long, he wins. It's as simple and as complex as that.

And as for forgiving him, why bother? That, too,is gonna require a whole lot of mental and emotional energy that you could use to take a walk, learn something new on the internet, or share a gourmet dinner with friends, as you laugh at one another's jokes till your stomachs hurt.

Which would be the better use of your energy? You already know the guy's a jerk, and it sounds as though everyone else does, too. Why not just passively forget him, rather than actively struggle with the near-impossible task of forgiving someone who doesn't deserve forgiveness? (Nor does he deserve retribution, for in plotting it, you give him back your headspace, and he wins again.)

You are a strong, successful person. You've overcome a number of obstacles in your life, and come out the other side. (Forgive the mixed metaphor.) You have no need to prove yourself again. You can just let this go, if you want to. Those acts of more than forty years ago tell everything about your cousin, and nothing about you -- except that you were a sweet, naive and trusting kid.

Much love to you -- Corene

7:06 PM  

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