I'm calling this 20 Windows.

I've always wanted shutters.





It's about looking outward & inward

I've always had this thing about windows.


Only trouble is that Blogger won't accept more than 12 pictures...at this time. Maybe later.

I didn't go see Brokeback Mountain.

But I did find this picture which made me think about it.

I think I'm going to move.

I'm tired just thinking about it. Anyone want a 10 gallon fish tank with 2 angels and a catfish? Free to a good home.

I've got this concrete pipe in the corner of my kitchen that the landlord has had his guys look at a few months ago and it's leaking...Slowly. Rust colored stuff is seeping out of it's pores. My boss said that kind of pipe needs to be replaced every 30 years or so. The landlord isn't going to replace it until I move and I'm suddenly not willing to wait till it bursts and dumps sewage all over my stuff and maybe me. So, I'm going to start looking today. Max has abandonment issues and we'll have to deal with that real soon too. Life is going to get really exciting really fast. Chuckle.

I can really only take care of me.

My neighbor is the sweetest, nicest guy around. Unfortunately, for him, he's bipolar. Whatever that means? Sometimes he seems paranoid and sometimes he doesn't always make sense when he talks but eventually I get his drift. Today as I was leaving to walk the dog he called my name and I went over to his yard and he was doing handstands on a platform attached to the building. I think it was there for plants and not calisthenics. He told me, in a round about way, that he had forgotten to get a refill on his pills and that's why he was doing exercises in the air. Oh boy. I care about him. He's a friend. I want to help him. I can't. I don't want him to hurt himself but what can I do? Really. I offered to take him to the medical center, to his doctor to get a refill and he said, no, he'd ride his bike. Oh God! He doesn't remember where his car is. I guess that's a blessing considering his current condition. I offered again and then he got sidetracked by another neighbor and I slipped away. I hope nothing bad happens to him while he's in this state of mind but as my sponsor Norris has said many times, you can't make people believe what you want them to believe and you can't live their lives for them either. You can only take care of you.

I read Brokeback Mountain last night.

It took me all of 20 minutes. For those of you that haven't read the book (short story) it's only 55 pages. I think I'm going to finally see the movie this afternoon. If the movie is anything like the book there won't be many sex scenes. In the book, they kiss passionately and then they're cleaning up after the act. I think it's a story you should read "slowly" and use your imagination a lot.

What a Wonderful World!

Maybe I'm just in a good mood. I don't know what grabbed me when I heard this song this morning but I went and looked up the lyrics and here they are:

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
(George Weiss / Bob Thiele)

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Oh yeah

I'm off today and I was going to spend it looking for an apartment and I still might but I've thought about it and Max and his abandonment issues have to be addressed before I move. The pipe isn't going to explode this week (Ihope) and I'll give the landlord another chance and I'll keep looking. No rush. I really want this apartment to be the "one". I've lived in this one room efficiency for 6 years and I really want this new space to be the best it can be. I doubt I'll be planning another move anytime soon. So, I'll keep looking. Wish me luck.

Humility

"Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows."

Helen Nielsen, Contemporary American writer

___________________________________________


Serenity Blocker: Criticism

Program Principle: Improve the world by working on yourself first

There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us, to say anything about the rest of us.
Anonymous

I've been saving the one's that I like and just thought I'd share.

A sober Christmas?

I certainly was and it's been one of the nicest holiday's in my memory. I spent the actual Christmas day at my foster mom's and her daughter and two of her sons were there. I took Chris and we all sat around and ate every kind of Christmas cookie imaginable. Then we played Scrabble. That was fun. I finally broke 100 points. Then we ate dinner and we decided to get home before I passed out from eating too much. It was a very relaxing and pleasant way to spend the day.

It was nice to plan to be somewhere and actually show up, on time and with presents in hand. I used to make plans and then not show up, because I was too hungover or on my way to getting too drunk to drive. I had the where-with-all to go and buy or make my presents in advance. I was prepared for this Christmas!

I got some great gifts too. I now own 5 different kinds of cutting boards and the knives to match. lol Also, every style of spatula in every color possible. I guess I'll have to remember to tell people next year, no kitchen stuff, please. I think it's all because of the food processor. So I hope you all had a good Christmas (or Holiday) day. Now on to New Year's!

I'm so glad I don't have any.

Serenity Blocker:

Resentment Program Principle: A life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Found these somewhere this morning...

Merry Christmas!

I need advice.

Let me preface this by saying my best friend in the whole world is Chris. He's been there for me, through thick and thin for last 25 years and me for him. He only has one brother and that's all the family he has left. His brother is a hypocondriac (sp), bi-polar, drama queen and at his core a nice guy. I can only be around him for say 10 minutes before I really start thinking about drinking. Chris writes his brother off once every 2 months or so. So anyway, today I went to Berring to turn in my paper work and somebody at the clinic didn't sign and date something they should and so I had to go back to the clinic and get it signed. I stood, pretty patiently, in line for a good 20 minutes. (this is the point where I realize that there's a "reason" for everything) I get the paper signed and start out the door and I'm nearly run over by Chris's brother who doesn't look calm at all. His brother's lover comes in slowly after and says hello. He immediately says Chris doesn't know. I'm so slow. Know what, I say? He says, that C's brother is HIV +. OK, I won't tell him, I say. Then the lover explains the brother has just gotten his 2nd tcell count and it's dropped from 500 something to 400 something. I do a quick speech on TCells and viral load. His brother has no detectable signs of viral load. That's great, I say. He has nothing to worry about at the moment. The brother comes out and orders the lover inside and we part. I know what's going on. His brother just found out he was positive about 6 months ago and he's been scared to death ever since. Since he's just newly positive he doesn't have all the information he needs and I could provide a lot of it based on my experiences and those of others. But should I? Here's where I need the advice. Do I tell Chris? I don't want him to be mad at me for not telling him when he finds out I already knew. I don't want to lie to him. I feel like I should tell him as my first allegiance is to Chris but, I was asked not to. Suggestions?

Oh well, I guess I don't need your suggestions after all. I spoke to a couple people and they suggested what I already had in my heart. I told Chris last night and he took it well. Much better that I expected. He even said in retrospect he should have known something was wrong because he hasn't seen his brother for the last 6 months. Something always comes up or the brother is sick. So, maybe, in the back of his mind, he really knew what was happening. Progress not perfection.

Speaking of Gratitude

I just got this from my Mom's boyfriend.

I AM THANKFUL...
FOR THE WIFE... WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT! BECAUSE SHE'S HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND... WHO'S ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE'S HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER... WHO'S COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS HE/SHE IS AT HOME, AND NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY... BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY... BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A BIT SNUG... BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR! MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK... BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE .
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING... BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT... BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT... BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND HAVE MY OWN TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL... BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY... BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING... BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR MY ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY... BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS... BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
AND FINALLY, EVEN FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL... BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

So, I'm off to do laundry, thankfully.

I'm having second thoughts...

about the previous post. Just want you to know what's going on and that I'm not looking for sympathy. This is really part of my recovery, this actually dealing with what life throws at you and not just drinking away all thoughts and cares. We all know that really doesn't work. Thanks for listening. L.

Well, I finally did it!

I went and got my results from the blood work at the clinic today. Good news is I don't have to go back on the HIV medication at this time. Bad news is I need to change my lifestyle drastically. No, I don't mean-go straight. It means dieting for real. My cholesterol is 285, triglicerides 400 something, blood pressure high, high, high and bad cholesterol unable to be read because it's so high. Ok. Too bad I gave the bike away. Oh well, I can walk. Max too. So I have 5 more eggs to eat and then it's those darn Eggbeaters. I told the Dr. I wasn't going to give up mayonnaise! Everything else is negotiable. I guess I'm thankful that I'm able to have old man's disease since the alternative is to be dead. So, I'm grateful we found out about this before I had a stroke or heart attack and I'll do what I have to do to stay alive a few more years....like 20 or so. I have 6 weeks to lower everything myself or else I have to go on Lipatore or something like that. Not all bad news. Those HIV drugs can really screw up your life. Whatever it takes.

Just got my Christmas present

from Mommie Dearest. It's a 7.5 cup Cuisinart Food Processor. Oh boy! Pastry, pasta, pesto, oh boy! Can't wait to try it! When I picked it up this morning at the post office the lady who brought it to me said, "Now if for any reason, you decide that you don't want this or can't use it....Remember that I'm here and I'm very envious." LOL She was so funny. I promised her if the pastry attachment worked and if the pie turned out good, I'd bring her some. Who knows, I just might. I promised Mom I'd take pictures of anything I make with it. This should be interesting.

I just watched one of my all time favorite movies!

It's called Big Eden. I know Broke Back Mountain is out now but if you want to watch a nice, cute, moving love story about a guy from NY back home in Montana, rent it. I watched it when I worked at Blockbuster about 4 years ago and it was great this time, while sober. I was tired from a day of work and shopping and just wanted a sandwich and a few minutes of down time with a movie. I ended up watching the whole movie and loving it all over again. Definitely worth renting at your local video store.

Hey this is getting to be a habit, this movie review thing.

Too weird!

I got paid today by direct deposit as usual. When I checked the account it showed two deposits from work. What?! I know Becky, the payroll person wasn't feeling well on the day she did the checks but I didn't know she felt "that" bad. So, while it was nice to look at my account with all that extra money in it, I knew I'd have to give it back (cause I'm just so honest, damn it) and so I'm going to take my checkbook with me to work today. I'll write them a check for the overpayment. I called the shop and Becky answered and I explained the situation. She said, Larry, stop, it's a bonus. I guess he paid me for an extra 20 hours and then they took the taxes out of it which would explain the weird amount. LOL Still, it was, is, a pleasant surprise. Lord knows I can use it. Merry Christmas ho ho ho.

Redecorating

I asked my boss the other day if it was ok for me to paint my office. Right now it's just basic white. He said sure but I might want to wait for a few weeks till he finds out if we're going to move. What? I said ok, I'll give it a few weeks. Then, on the way home, my alcoholic mind went in to gear and I started thinking about whether or not I'd still be able to take Max to work, would I still have 3 windows and light, would we have better AC (ours barely works now), would I have further to drive, would I have to deal with more traffic, would I, would I, would I? Whoa! Stop! I told myself. Stop that right now! Whatever is going to happen, will happen and I can live with anything. I'll deal with it when and if it happens. Nothing I can do about it now. Sometimes I just have to remind myself how things work. Ah life.

What's in your refridgerator?

When I was drinking the top shelf always had a bottle of wine, a 12 pack of beer, some mixers and maybe a quart of milk. I just noticed that at the moment my top shelf has grape juice, grapefruit juice, orange juice, iced tea, bottled water and a gallon of milk. (I try not to drink sodas) Quite a change.

For the last time?

I went to see my therapist yesterday. I hadn't seen him since sometime in August. We had both gotten busy and I got sick and then he got sick and then I left on vacation and then he did and finally I just decided to take a hiatus and wait and see what happens. He called to tell me he was closing my file and was that OK? I said, hell, no, let's get together. I really like that guy. He's helped me thorough so much (just like blogging) during my sober beginnings and after. We had a great visit. Like two old friends. We decided that I don't need his services at this time but if I do, no matter when, we'll get back together. I've only ever had two therapists. Him and my sponsor. Norris was my therapist sometime around 1995. Who knew someday he'd be my sponsor? Someone works in mysterious ways.

Blood on the sidewalk?

That's what my neighbor told me this morning. I went to bed last night around 11:30 and woke up this morning at 5:00 am and turned on the news to find out, to my astonishment, that there had been a multiple shooting a block away. Seems two undercover police were standing on the street and watched this gold car circle the block. The car eventually stopped by the detectives and two guys (one carrying a shotgun and one carrying a semi-automatic gun) got out of the car and started shooting. One of the drug dealers was killed there, two were injured and one ran away to the front of my building where he was eventually captured a few hours later. While they were searching for him there were two or three helicopters with bright search lights hovering over the house. I slept through the whole thing. I'd left the internet radio on for some soothing sleep music and Max never barked once. Go figure. My best friend lives on that corner and of course, saw and heard everything. He called me a little bit ago to give me an update on where all the bullets went. One had gone through a window in one of the other apartments where he lives. One into a garbage can and one into a parked van. One into a policeman's jeep. Lucky no one else was shot. I love my neighborhood but you have to be alert when your outside. Never a dull moment.

Try This.

http://www.colorquiz.com/

I went to the movies last night.

We saw the Chronicles of Narnia.(that would explain my dreams this morning) I think all 3 of us really enjoyed it. Ken had read the book and said they stuck to it pretty well except that the battle scene was only 2 paragraphs in the book. We all three teared up here and there and I found myself leaning forward in anticipation of what was to come. I thought at the time that maybe it was (in a way) too violent for children and then realized they probably have seen a lot more violence from TV and video games and it probably wouldn't affect them adversely. I predict the lead guy (William Mosley) will be a great star. He's sure got the looks and I don't think he's very old yet. Maybe in his teens. The kids were all good actors. A completely enjoyable experience, if your in to fantasy.

This is what happened to me way back then.

I went to lunch the other day with my good friend Janet. We met at AA and have been good friends ever since. At lunch, I was telling her about my experience with "near death" and she had no idea that I had gone through that. I decided to look for the calendar that had all of that experience written down. I found it and here it is. It all seems, a bit, like a dream I had. But I know it was real and I could go back there if I'm not careful (that means by not staying sober).

I had a weekly calendar handy and this is what my friends wrote in it:

June 14, 2004
Went to Park Plaza Hospital ER admitted with Double Pheumonia

June 15, 2004
Sterling came by am. Seemed tired but able to talk sparinly. You wrote my numbers down.

June 16, 2004
Sterling came by. Still talking. Getting ready for a bronchosopy. Saw Dr. Gathe. Puzzled as to what's goin on. Called Kevil. (Kevil is my therapist)

June 17, 2004
Took a turn for the worse wednesday night. Sterling came by. You were sitting up in the chair. Tied in and agitated and delirious. Talked with your Mom. Brought you pecan pie. Did not recognize me. ( This was written by my good friend Ken who took charge when I became ill. He was actually the executor of my "estate" and had my living will, my brother was supposed to take over when he got here)

June 18, 2004
AM-Talked with your mom. Lying down-Xray for your "line" to go in. Still "out of it" but not as agitated. Sleeping, snoring.

June 19, 2004
ICU Non responsive. Ken Hoge just found this. I have been looking after LGJ (that's me) since Wednesday. I am also communicating daily with Lance. (my brother)

June 20, 2004
Ken by at 4:30 pm
Bill his nurse said xray better today getting new drug versed for DTS's. Some kind of test till better? ( I just have to say that I really don't think I had DTS. I had been drinking a few days before I came down with this but I hadn't drunk anything for 2 days and I'd been sober off and on since January 12, 2004)

June 21, 2004
Ken by at 7pm. Larry intubated, had MRI, Menegitis test will do spinal tap now. On ventilator early yesterday after 2 codes. (I stopped breathing and my heart stopped) Needless to say, they brought me back.

June 22, 2004
Spinal Tap, result negative

June 23, 2004
Dr. Schrader says no menigitis. Just keep treating pneumonia and try to wean off venalator. resing peacefully at 5:30 pm

June 24, 20045:30 pm
LGJ respondin to basic questions. Understood I was here-nodded and squeezed my hand. Dr. Calabrese had reduced his medicine and said he will wake up more now. Dr. Gathe was pleased. Maybe able to come off ventilator. Schrader, Gathe and Celabrese saw him today. Doppler study of legs-no clots. Have added cuffs on legs to help circulation.

June 25, 2004
No entries.

June 26, 2004
No entry

June 27, 2004
9:30AM
Opened eyes once but no other response-sleeping, resting Jewel

June 28, 2004

Awake and wanting to communicate-bad handwriting-asked about Max Sterling

Awake and alert-we talked about his course here in hospital. So much better! Still weaning off relpirator Ken

Tuesday June 29, 2004

11:45 AM

Awake and responsive. Asked for help cleaning mouth and throat. Jewel, Norris dropped in too.

6pm. LGJ tired but alert. Dro. Toppel not by yet to wean. Maybe this eve?Schrader and Gathe saw him AM. Ken

Wdenesday June 30, 2004

2:30 pm. Extubated!! Dr. Toppell did it at 6:30 am. Too tired to talk (just got some ativan..drowsy) Ate a little pudding and sipped fluid this am - No lunch. I left his address book and novel. Ken

Name games. Asked for his glasses this morning, is wearing them now.

Friday July 2, 2004

Visted LGJ-much more coherent though still confused. Spoke to Dr. Toppell today and to Dr. Spector(psych). They are treating the withdrawl psychosis with valium. LGJ wants underwear but I told him not yet.

Saturday July 3, 2004

Dropped by and chatted with Larry. He is bored and wants restraints off. Ate beef stew for lunch. Stomach ok. Talked about Kristi's wedding and her new husband Bernie. Dr. Fernanedez came by, Katherine his nurse and Norris came to visit.

Monday July 5, 2004

Roy de la Garza stopped by to visit

Tuesday July 6, 2004

Craig T. Wiggins visited. Chris Alexander and Ken visited, brought checkbook and paid rent, elec., phone bill. Larry ate some of his dinner. Jay, nurse is great-helped LGJ get comfortable and took off his restraints during our visit. Sterlink helped him eat lunch. Ate about 1/3

Wednesday July 7, 2004

6 pm. Larry eating dinner. Ate good. Bit of beef, potatoes and carrots. Nurse Monetta very nice. He has paddles on his hands now because he tried to pull out his line again. Nice bisit but asked me to check if his car was right outside his room. Was sure I was there...Ken

Friday July 9, 2004

Larry was getting a bronchoscopy when I came at 11. Will try to come back later...Jewel Sterling 1 - 1:30 pm Sleeping from bronchoscopy Kitt, the nurse says L has been eating up to 50% of his food. (today was Kristi's wedding)

By Sunday the 11th of July I was finally awake enough that they could remove those fucking paddles from my hands. Being restrained is one thing but those paddles were Hell! On Monday they took out the line and I started trying to walk. Not pretty. I'd been flat on my back for 28 days. Talk about atrophy! I could move my feet a bit while in the wheelchair. Tuesday, I was able to shuffle around using the wheelchair as a prop. They gave me a walker and by the end of the day I was walking by myself and dragging the walker. Still couldn't turn left or right but I could do a straight line. The doctor was estatic and very surprised at my being mobile so soon. I was determined to walk again! Wednesday I didn't need the walker at all but I had to have help getting in and out of bed. Thursday I was supposed to go home but there was some hold up and I stayed another day. Friday, July 16, 2004 I caught a cab home. (Made the cabdriver stop and go in for cigerettes. I hadn't smoked in about 35 days. Boy did that taste good!) Some of my friends were upset that they let me come home so early and I have to admit it wasn't easy that night or the next. When I'd try to get out of bed (back then my bed was on the floor) I'd have to crawl to the bathroom and use the sink to pull myself upright. But I got through it and then the social workers showed up and I started physical therapy which was exercises and someone helping me walk around the block. That went on for a couple weeks until I was almost back to my old self. About that time, when I could drive a clutch again, I went to Jim and Jon's to get Max. I had missed him so much. So it's amazing (once again) that I'm still here. Back from the brink of death. There is a God, and for some reason he wants me here.

It just occurred to me that it hasn't occurred to me to

want or crave a drink or fish this week. I can't remember the last time I seriously thought about drinking. It had to be last week some time. Hey, that's a nice change of pace. I can live with that.

I emailed most of my friends with this question and so I'll ask you too. Anybody know a good deal on downloading music to copy to CD's? I've never signed up for one and I've no idea what a good deal consists of. Any suggestions? Thanks.

I've got a busy day today and somewhere in there I've got to go to work and the 12:15 meeting. Off I go.

Just came from a great meeting.

We had a good meeting this afternoon. The subject was how do we give during this holiday season. I thought oh no, this will be about how much money you can give but, I heard a lot of different ways to do just that without thinking only of material gifts. By far, the best example, for me, was that my gift to my friends and family was continuing to be sober. What a concept! I know my Mom and brother and sister do consider it a gift from God that I'm sober today. Hell, so do I. Someone mentioned about how they never called their family when they were supposed to because they weren't sober. Lord knows, that was my excuse many times. Not for the last couple years though. It's always a good idea for me to revisit my old self. To remember what it was like then. And as I've said before, to enjoy what it's like now.

I love the 50's!

I came across this website thanks to Kim Kommado. If your a 50's kid check it out at www.ephemeranow.com

I feel stupid.

How could I once again, trust my dog? He's just a dog. I've heard they are equivalent to a 4 year old child. Would you trust your 4 year old child not to run into the street and then chase after another child ( or in this case dog)? I took him to work today and I was having a good day. Got lots of work done and got there early so I could leave early so I could get to my 12:15 meeting and then this. It's 12:30 now and I just finally quit shaking. When he got out of the car he went to pee and I opened the gate and I swear, I saw his little mind thinking about something else. There was no dog in sight but he knew it was there, just around the corner. I called his name and he took off around the corner, across the street through traffic and confronted the dog. He never got a chance to say much more than HI cause I was on him like white on rice! My adrenalin was pumping but I still had control of my emotions. I didn't hit him (though I thought about it) but I did scold him heavily. Bitched at him as I drug him by the collar into the house and banished him to his corner to lay down. That's when I started shaking. After that, I started wishing for Valium. I never have any but I think about it from time to time. The old alternative to all of this would be to do a couple shots. And then a couple more and then more. The old me. So, no Valium, no shots, no hitting the dumb dog and now just calm. The old me would have let this ruin my otherwise perfect day and the rest of the day would have been spent in an alcoholic daze or haze and then the consequent hangover, etc., etc., etc. Now, I'm going to lay down and take a nap. That almost always makes me feel better and I'll pet the dog before I lay down. I've read somewhere, that they don't really remember what they did wrong after about 5 minutes. Sounds like the old me too.

Gratitude for Today

I am so grateful for:

Waking up sober, not hung over
Max will come to work with me today
My blogging friends
My AA friends
My family (can you believe it)
Being healthy and sinus free
For pics of snow (that I don't have to shovel)
That I'm able to do what I think I should do (dentist, doctor, dishes)
For ham and cheese grits

Ever have food poisoning?

I cooked and ate dinner and then went to do laundry. Started feeling queasy just as I was leaving and when I got home I started to throw up. A lot. So now I wonder what did it? Was it the chicken. It looked done but I remember when I was picking it out of the refridgerator at Kroger's that all of the packages felt like they had been defrosted and then refrozen. You know how they just feel like one big lump. Or was it the potato? I washed it but maybe I should have peeled it. Or was it the sour cream? It tasted alright. Could it have been the snow peas? Maybe the dressing I used to marinate the chicken. I don't know. Now I'm afraid to eat any of it again. Just the thought makes me nauseous. lol So, I guess I'll call Kroger's and see if they'll take the chicken back. I'm not going to eat anymore of it. That's for sure.

After posting this last night, I got a few comments about how really, really sick I'd be if it was food poisoning. I believe it can be mild or massive. I've had it (from eating shrimp) where I was in lots of pain and cramping and hugging the toilet and hurling for hours and hours. Diarrhea too. That time it didn't happen until about 14 hours after I ate. This time it was mild with general queasiness and happened about 2 hours after eating. Something wasn't right last night. Cause really, I feel fine this morning and I didn't have any more episodes while sleeping. Who knows? I'm still not eating the rest of those chicken breasts!

When I was at the doctor's

he asked me if I exercised and I said of course I do. I walk from the house to the car every day. And that brings me to this story. My best friend is Chris. We were lovers in the early 80's when I first moved here and we've been best buds ever since. He watches Max when I leave town and I let him borrow my car when he needs to cause he doesn't have one of his own. I called him yesterday and told him I had his birthday present here and I wanted him to stop by. He came by this morning for coffee and I gave him a bag with a card inside. Inside the card was a key. He had no idea what it unlocked. Then he opened his small gifts. The first one was a light. The 2nd one was handle bar grips. That's when he got it. I was giving him my bike. He started to cry. From joy I hope. I got a little teary eyed too. Chris walks everywhere or takes the bus. He sometimes calls me to come and give him cover when he thinks someone is going to mug him. He has been mugged twice. I never use my bike. I just dust it occasionally. It's a classic, two toned red and black with big white wall tires and shiny silver fenders. The 3rd gift I gave him was a squeeze horn. He was so excited. We attached all of the new parts and he rode off into the morning. He was like a little kid with a new toy. I'm so happy he's happy. He just called. He asked, "How do you stop it?" I explained coaster brakes to him. He said he kept looking for the brakes on the handles and had to drag his feet to stop at the stop sign. Too funny.

I don't remember my first drink.

Usually when someone tell their story they mention their first drink. I don't remember mine. What I do remember is paregoric. The taste sort of reminded me of Root Beer. The effects were wonderful. I got all tingley and felt pretty. It was an over the counter remedy for diarrhea and upset stomach. I had a lot of upset stomachs after that first time. I think Mom finally realized what was going on with me and stopped giving me the medicine. Wow, my first drug. Who would a thought?

Part of being sober, for me, is about

taking care of business. When I was drinking I could put off anything that was the least bit unpleasant for me to deal with. Yesterday, I took the plunge and went to the Montrose Clinic for intake. I was there from 8:45 till 12:45. Who would have thought it would take so long? Not me. Ha. Well, it's done and all the tests have been taken and I guess I'll get my results in a couple weeks. I still can't believe that it didn't cost me anything. Maybe next time I go I'll have to pay something. I guess they accept Medicare and then the rest is taken care of by the Ryan White foundation. If that's the way it works, I'm truly blessed. My regular Dr. started his own clinic and got way to expensive for me use regularly. After I get my results on the bloodwork I can go to the Bering Dental clinic and get these teeth fixed finally. I would never do this normally (well, while drinking) and I feel good about trying to do the right thing, at last. I didn't just automatically get brave as soon as I quit drinking. It's more about not being afraid any more. I can do what ever it takes with God and my friends to support me. Another thing. It's taken me two years to be able to say the word God without being embarrassed. Now that's progress!