Moving? So Soon?

Seems like now that I've decided to move, soon, I have started nesting. I've cleaned places I haven't been around to, in some time. It's like I'm really enjoying the time I have left living here. Getting myself attuned to the idea of leaving, all of this. It's scary and exciting too. I've been really drunk here, stoned, loved, after all, it's been 5 years. In apartment dwellers time...It's a long time. Oddly enough, most people don't live in apartments longer than a few years. Well, at least, the apartments I know. But anyway, I really do want to move and I want it all to go smoothly, if possible. AA has taught me to be more patient when dealing with everyday things. It's really no big deal. All I have to do is my best in any given situation and if I don't do too well, well it's OK. It will get done, but just when it's supposed to be. Am I talking about fate? Sort of. Oh, oh. Getting existential here. I'll stop. It's just good to realize that life isn't just whizzing by and that I'm taking the time and energy to enjoy it.

I've been bad today.

It's just that I was going to go to work today and got up at my usual 4:30 am. but ended up on the computer all morning long. I've spent time reading and commenting on all the various blogs I've bookmarked over this year. I just counted 21 blogs that I try to read most every day. So, I guess if I'm not going to work today I can go to the 12:15 meeting way early. I always like to get to meetings early and visit. I hate to stand around after a meeting. Why that is, I don't know. It's supposed to reach 99 degrees today. I guess that's why I don't stand around after, it's too damn hot! I was noticing yesterday the people who can't sit still during the meeting. I guess there's a name for it now. RLS or restless leg syndrome. Do you think that's an alcoholic condition?

No big plans for this week. Just work and go to meetings. I've got to shell out some big bucks this next payday. Dues for Lambda, Round Up tickets, big cage for Max and the usual. Oh well.

Today I'm grateful for :
My job
My friends in AA
Meetings that help keep me sober
My blogging friends that also help keep me sober
That Katrina didn't come here but I wish she hadn't gone there
That we can help by contacting the Red Cross
That I actually can donate to the cause, for a change.
And for Max, of course.

It's Been a Good Weekend.

I designed a shelving system for over my stove and then went out and bought the wood, hammer and nails and put that baby together. It came out pretty much the way I wanted. Now I just have to find the right lighting for it. I also, in the name of gas mileage, checked and put air in my tires and changed the air filter. I felt so butch with the grease all over my hands and as it turns out, my face. Of course the blood running down my hand made me feel manly too. Figures I'd cut myself while removing the air cleaner. Duh. So back to normal. I spent most of Friday evening and Saturday morning looking up recipes on the net. Finally I picked something to make for the bake sale and sat down to make a list of necessary ingredients and then just stopped. I suddenly realized I really didn't feel like cooking. Thank heaven I don't work somewhere as a cook. So instead of buying and baking for the sale I went out and bought frozen food. Mostly low cal so I don't feel too guilty. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this other than to let you know I survived the weekend without having to take a drink. Barely thought about it as a matter of fact. Sorry, no cookies.

What I'm Going To Do...I Think

You know the landlord said, "Get rid of the dog or move!" I guess it's time for Max and I to move on but first, Max needs to learn to shelter in

place in a crate. I'm going to buy a big one and put the bike outside, locked of course, and teach Max to stay in the crate. Other people do it with their dogs and while I'm not excited about this I feel it's now time for both of us to make some changes. Until the landlord gives us an eviction notice, I'm not rushing to get out of here. I've never been evicted before but I hear it takes some time to do. No reason to panic or to drink over it. Who knows, maybe Max will get so used to it that he won't trash the apartment when I leave him here or there alone. Only time will tell. It's hard for me to believe how calm I've been through this whole incident. I didn't go crazy and yell and scream and bitch and moan or really, worry much about all this. I always did before. Must be my AA experience. I can still have drama in my life, it just doesn't have to be all consuming. I'm making cookies this afternoon to take to the Round Up Bake Sale this evening. I think they'll be Peanut Butter Oatmeal since I have a lot of both on hand. Later guys.

Remember my Post from August 16?

Well the next day I calmly called the landlord and told him if he needed to get in touch with me when the guys were going to work in my area all he had to do was call me at work and I'd come home and get the dog. I gave him the number. This morning I called and left a message about the large pipe in my apt. that is getting soft in places and oozing something. He called me back and started screaming at me over the phone. He said first thing was that nobody was allowed to call his people mother fuckers! That the yard wasn't my own personal dogpark and they wouldn't have to lock the gate if they don't want to! I remained calm and told him what I said in that post. He told me he didn't believe me! I told him I don't have to make up stories anymore since I'm sober and I'd told him the truth. He told me I could get rid of the dog or move. He didn't care and hung up on me. So, calmly, I came home from work, picked up Max and took him back to work with me. The guys evidently came sometime and fixed the pipe. It's been a long time since anyone called me a liar. That's what he did. You, my fellow bloggers, know I'd already posted about the incident on Aug. 16th. So, I'm not getting rid of the dog and I guess that means I'll have to move. I've been thinking about it a bit anyway. I just wasn't planning on moving till the new year. He didn't give me a time to move, so I'll play it by ear and try not to provoke any of them.

Ha! I was just telling Doughgirl this morning how much I liked my life right now. Everything was going fine. Well, I'll just consider this a bump in the road and keep on driving, sober. Remind me I said that....later this month.

It's a Crying Shame!

Some might say it's just American capitalism at work. Some might say it's the way of the world. I might say that I hate that my blog has now become a sounding board for commercialism. I had 9 comments on my recent post and they were all ads for something or other. If I set the blog for registered users only I doubt I'll ever get a comment again. While I write this for myself, I also enjoy knowing others read it too. Oh well, I'd like to read your comments on this....one last time.
The Bastard's!

Can you belive what they're saying about Lance?

He didn't do it!

Errands and Adventure

It's Monday and most every Monday I take my friend Mike around on his errands. I get to do a few of my own, too. After I pick him and his little dog too, we'll do errands and then take his dog to a "dog whisperer". It's a last ditch effort for Mike as he's done everything he or I or the Vet can think of to rid his dog of his chewing his leg habits. He stops for as much as 9 months and then starts again. Poor Mike. We've discussed whether he's changed something in his care of his puppy or is the dog just going through a change of life or what! I'm interested to see if this works. I think it costs about $300 for the two 1 hour sessions. Worth it if it works. One of the main reasons I haven't moved from my apartment is because I have a yard and Max gets abandonment syndrome if I leave him in the house. Maybe someday I'll take Max in for some psycho? Therapy. I'll let you know what happens. Later.

My dog and I are celebrating our birthdays, today.

I turned 54 today. Hard to believe that I'm still alive. Sixty is looking younger and younger. My friends Toni & Miram took me to breakfast and this afternoon they're taking me to a early dinner. They are so sweet. Mommie Dearest forgot about my birthday. That's a first. She's the one who reminds everybody else who's birthday is coming up. My brother and sister will be late as usual with their cards. I guess this birthday isn't as exciting since I didn't die at all this year. Did it twice last year. When I think back on all the times I drank and drove it's amazing to me that I didn't die or kill somebody. It's been a slow week for me as far as meetings go. I've been concentrating on getting through the audit at work and then making up the time we spent on it. I accomplished a lot this week. That always makes me feel good about working. I'll get more meetings this coming week. I promise. Nothing else new. Later. L.

Last night was Interesting

We were on the Dunlevy bridge (first one I think) and then there were more people on the next bridge. We were there to support Cindy in Crawford, TX. We had two cloth banners with just her name printed on them a few small signs, a poster or two and over 100 people. I met some nice people and it was a very peaceful group. Parents brought their kids and dogs. Norris and Scott showed up too. That was a pleasant surprise. No matter what I support our troops and a pray they'll come back safely. Our little group slowed down traffic, noticeably. Truckers were the most vocal group. They honked their horns, most everytime. People waved, gave peace signs, honked and generally seemed supportive. Of course there were a few obscene gestures. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. I was so glad nobody shot at us. This is Texas, after all.

Alfred?

I copied this from http://dryblog.blogspot.com/ . Was just revisiting his blog. Always a good read. I vaguely remember something about Hitchcock's cameos in his movies. Can't remember ever seeing him in one. Guess I'll have to watch them again.

Alfred Hitchcock's witty cameos in his own films were a hit with his audiences and became one of his trademarks. He began the practice by accident, however: Short an actor in one of his first films, Hitchcock took it upon himself to play the small part. Here's what "The Master of Suspense" himself had to say in a 1966 London interview:

"I always give a little thought to my appearances and come on as early as possible-- don't want to hold them in suspense for the wrong reason! I've been in all my films on and off. Missed a few. Only cancelled one. It got into the press ahead of time... I was going to walk along with a girl and talk to her-- in deaf-and-dumb language. My hands would be working very fast. And she turns around and slaps my face."

Here's a guide to the Master's on-screen appearances.

The Lodger (1926) : At a desk in a newsroom and later in the crowd watching an arrest.

Easy Virtue (1927) : Walking past a tennis court, carrying a walking stick.

Blackmail (1929) : Bothered by a small boy as he reads a book in the subway.

Murder (1930) : Walking past the house where the murder was committed, about an hour into the movie.

The 39 Steps (1935) : Tossing some litter while Robert donate and Lucia Mannheim run from the theater.

Young and Innocent (1938) : Outside the courthouse, holding a camera.

The Lady Vanishes (1938) : In Victoria station, wearing a black coat and smoking a cigarette.

Rebecca (1940) : Walking near the phone booth just after George Sanders makes a call.

Foreign Correspondent (1940) : After Joel McCrea leaves his hotel, reading a newspaper.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith (1941) : Passing Robert Montgomery in front of his building.

Suspicion (1941) : Mailing a letter at the village postbox.

Saboteur (1942) : Standing in front of Cut Rate Drugs in New York as the saboteur's car stops.

Shadow of a Doubt (1943) : On the train to Santa Rosa, playing cards.

Lifeboat (1944) : A difficult one to pull off since the entire film takes place on a lifeboat! Hitchcock appears in the "before" and "after" pictures in a newspaper ad for Reduco Obesity Slayer.

Spellbound (1945) : Coming out an elevator at the Empire Hotel, carrying a violin case.

Notorious (1946) : At a big party in Claude Rains's mansion, drinking champaigne.

The Paradine Case (1947) : Leaving the train at Cumberland Station, carrying a cello.

Rope (1948) : His trademark can be seen briefly on a neon sign in the view of the apartment window.

Under Capricorn (1949) : Within the first five minutes, wearing a blue coat and a brown hat during a parade in the town square. Ten minutes later, he is one of three men on the steps outside the Government House.

Stage Fright (1950) : Turning to look at Jane Wyman in her disguise as Marlene Dietrich's maid.

Strangers on a Train (1951) : Boarding a train with a double bass fiddle.

I Confess (1953) : Crossing the top of a staircase after the opening credits.

Dial M for Murder (1954) : In a class-reunion photo in Grace Kelly's apartment.

Rear Window (1954) : Winding the clock in the songwriter's appartment.

To Catch a Thief (1955) : Sitting to the left of Cary Grant on a bus.

The Trouble with Harry (1955) : Walking past a parked limousine.

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956) : Watching acrobats in the Morrocan marketplace (his back to the camera).

The Wrong Man (1956) : Narrating the film's prologue.

Vertigo (1958) : In a gray suit walking the street.

North by Northwest (1959) : Missing a bus during the opening credits.

Psycho (1960) : Through Janet Leigh's window as she returns to her office. He is wearing a cowboy hat.

The Birds (1963) : Leaving a pet shop with two white terriers (his own pets) as Tippi Hedren enters.

Marnie (1964) : Entering from the left of the hotel corridor after Tippi Hedren passes by.

Torn Curtain (1966) : Sitting in Hotel d'Anglettere lobby holding a baby.

Topaz (1969) : Being pushed in a wheelchair in an airport. He gets up from the chair, shakes hands with a man and walks off.

Frenzy (1972) : In the center of a crowd, he is the only one not applauding the speaker.

Family Plot (1976) : In silhouette through the door of the Registrar of Births and Deaths.

Anger, Rage, Not Me. Not Today.

I had a good, productive day today. Got to work early, made the 12:15 meeting, ran a few errands with a friend, picked up a few groceries for dinner tonight and came home. As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed the maintenance guys going around the building and one of them gave me a dirty look. I thought, oh boy, someone's not in a very good mood. Parked the car and went to greet the dog at the gate and he jumped on the gate and it opened. I turned around and the guys were coming back and I asked if they'd left the gate open and they said yes. They were working and couldn't keep locking the gate each time they came through. I said, why, the dog could run away. The surly one said it wasn't their problem. Then someone, either him or me, got pissed and the word fucking was used a few times. His Dad just stood there. I locked the gate right in front of him, went in the house and slammed the door. Came in mad but not the usual fucking blind rage that used to be my norm when something like that happened. I was mad, yes, but not beyond reason. I sat down, composed myself, stared at the phone and thought about calling the landlord. He'd be really pissed, I know. I decided not to call but to make sure next time I see that guy that he and I are going to have a little,calm talk. We'll come to an understanding or I will call the landlord. I hope it won't come to that. Thank you AA.

I wrote this before I knew the DSL worked.

3:50 AM August 15, 2005

It’s early as you can see. Max woke me up to go outside and I let him out and gave him a few minutes to do his thing. I opened the door and was standing there; squinting out into the dark cause I didn’t have my glasses on, when I heard voices. I look up and there on the steps leading to the apartment across the way are two people, kissing, I think. I yelled, “Oh my God!” Then I started giggling. I would think the last thing my new neighbors want to see is their old, paunchy neighbor standing in his doorway in his underwear. I know I wouldn’t want to look at that sight more than once! Of course as I went to shut the door, she said, “Hello Larry.” Great! They did see me. So now I can’t go back to sleep. So far this weekend my ISP hasn’t worked most of Friday night, was working again Saturday morning and right through the whole day and then Sunday afternoon it died again. Still isn’t working and I’m really looking forward to an end to this intermittent service. I get my DSL sometime this morning. I’ve heard both good and bad opinions of SBC DSL. All I want in an ISP that works everyday. I get on at different times everyday and night. So, I’m writing this in Word and I have to admit it’s a lot easier to read it like this. I may do it this way from now on.

Well because of prodding from my sponsor I’m now trying to attend more meetings. I must admit I can justify most of my reasons for not attending every single day. If I can get to work by 4 or 5 AM I can make the 12:15 PM meeting. If I don’t get up and moving that early I’ll try (like this morning) to go to the 6:30 AM meeting. It’s the evening meetings I don’t like to go to. It’s not that I don’t like the meetings. It’s more about how tired I am from my day and the fact that I don’t have many good friends that go to the night meetings. Yes, I know, I can make new friends at those meetings. I’d rather stay home and read a good book. Face it. At this time of year there’s little on TV anyone would want to watch. So I guess I’ll continue to do my meetings in the wee hours of the morning and early afternoons. If I do that I could make at least one meeting a day. I’ll try.

Photographs from my trip home to Pennsylvania

My brother in action. My cousin Sally, her mom Maxine, Mom and I at some fancy place for dinner. It was out in the middle of nowhere. Then my friend Larry Bellotti and I. My brother Lance and his wife Margot.



Mom in front of her duplex. Mom in the parking lot at Walmart. Then Bernie and Kristi and Samantha. Notice the bird on Bernie's shoulder. His name is Jack. Then a picture of me with my oldest niece, Moira. Me in the parking lot at Walgreen's. Trying to use up the roll so we could get the pictures developed.

Family

This is a pretty good picture of my brother, sister and I. I found out something important on my trip home a couple weeks ago. Some of you remember last year around this time I was in the hospital, in a coma and things were not looking too bright. I've spent the last year in therapy and a lot of my therapy centered around why my family didn't come here from PA to stand at my side. I really just figured it was just the way it was. How else would a dysfunctional family act? Maybe they really don't love me enough to come all the way here. After all, I'm the absent brother, the one who moved away. Maybe absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Maybe I'm not worth it. All of these thoughts have gone round and round in my brain. Well, I found out on this trip that Mom had almost immediately started planning on coming here and then my sister-in-law said she was coming too. Then my sister who was just about to get married said she was coming too. I'm getting teary eyed just typing this. It means so much to me that they wanted to come! Seems Ken who was my primary executor told them not to come as he would keep them well informed, daily and that they would just fly down here and only be able to spend 10 minutes a day with me. He would let them know if there was any bad changes in my status and then they could fly down for ....The end of me. I was in that bad of shape. It's odd the things people take for granted. I try not to take anything for granted anymore. I try to have gratitude. Every day. I'm glad to be here.

It's been a fishy day.

I spent the morning cleaning the fish tank. I've had a snail problem for a while now and was determined to kill the little suckers. After taking out the fish I poured salt in the water in the tank and left it sit for an hour. Salt is supposed to kill snails, right? Then I took out all the gravel and soaked it in bleach water for an hour. Bleach is supposed to kill snails right? Filled the tank back up and watched the cute little snails climb out of the gravel and back up the sides of the tank. I give up!

My neighbor gave me a gallon size bag of fresh, frozen, fairly large shrimp 2 days ago. I made shrimp scampi, barbecued shrimp, shrimp stir fry and today just plain boiled shrimp. Boy they were good but I know not to get my cholesterol checked anytime soon.

It's been one of those days where I did my list of things to do and then sat down and finished a book instead of doing all those chores. Well, I don't know about you, but I do stop and smell the flowers now and then. ( It's really too hot to go out there and smell them but I can see them from the window.) Everybody needs a day off once in a while. Tonight I'll do the grocery shopping and tomorrow in the early morning the laundry and then clean and then my weekend will be over. It all goes by so fast. What do you do when you just chill out?

Sometimes it's so hot here I think this is what

I should do to my car. Guess I'll just wait for the next flood. I'm going to try and load some pics from my visit to PA. Next post, I promise, if your interested. I'm soooo glad to be back on line and have a working telephone. Life is good. How often do you stop and think about what it would be like not to have a computer, car, electricity, drinkable water, a roof over your head, money for the little things? There's so much we have to be thankful for. Don't forget it! Health, kids ( I don't have any I know of unless you count Max), hair (little of that too), gardens, sunrises and sunsets. Boy I'm in a grateful mood. LOL So I'm really glad to be back and really glad I went to PA. I really think I had the best visit I've ever had. No hurt feelings or arguments. No bitter words. No reminders of what I did to myself or others when I was drinking steadily. I think while I'm getting better, my family is getting better too. Is that possible? I hope so.

Good Meeting Yesterday

Someone in the meeting yesterday said that when he burned his hand on the hot stove, he learned that he shouldn't touch it. When he (now I can't remember what he said next). But the gist of his talk was about for 20 years he drank even though he knew it was hurting him, just like when he burned his hand. It's the terrible disease of alcoholism in action. I know what he was talking about. When I would wake up each morning I'd check the garbage to see what I ate and drank that evening. I knew that my day would going to start with barfing and the shakes. And I'd check to see if the car was still there (one was stolen and stripped) or try to think where I might have parked it. My life was so unmanageable and I never blamed it on the alcohol. I blamed it on other people, fate, drugs anything but what it was. Drinking did one thing for me. It made me brave. Brave enough to go up to someone and talk or hit on them. Brave enough to do all the things I was afraid to do on my own. In the end I was always afraid. Afraid of who might say what, afraid of the dentist, the eye doctor, to leave the house (except to buy booze), to fly, etc. Dumb huh? I'm so glad I took the step to AA. My life is so good right now and I am grateful everyday to be alive and unafraid of what will come. Back to work. Later.

I'm Back, But...

About once a month my ISP (neighbor) forgets to pay the bill and I don't have service for a few days. I do love wireless but I'm getting tired of the occasional down time. So today I signed up for DSL and it will be installed on Monday the 15th. When I got back from PA on Friday I didn't have service and thought once again he hadn't paid the bill. Well that was true but he didn't pay cause he had his appendix removed and was now in Alabama with his parents, recuperating. He'll be back sometime this week. Maybe the young lady who lives upstairs would like the bus card I have now. I'll see if she's interested. So, I'm back and 20 hours short on the paycheck so I'm trying to work a full 40 hours this week. It may kill me. Still sober and glad of it. Later.