I signed up a few days ago to

http:// www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com It's pretty self-explanatory, don't you think? Today's quote is, "Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking." I'm not always real quick on the uptake. lol I thought, what the heck does that mean? Than I finally got the caravan & oasis bit and the rest fell into place.

It made me think about yesterday's meeting. I was really excited to be back and a combination of work, traveling and being sick had made it really hard to get to my 12:15 meetings, hence I'd been gone for a least a month, maybe more. I felt like I was missing my family.

Yesterday's meeting was about, to me anyway, faith and how our lives have changed since we got sober. That made me think about how much my life has changed. I was drinking all the time vs not at all now, drugging & doing hustlers vs not at all now, living inside my head, thinking only about me vs not at all now, only helping others occasionally vs a little more now, being angry at friends and family vs not at all now, being sad and poor vs. not hardly at all now (I'm still an emotional being who cries at Hallmark commercials). I could go on and on but I won't. Needless to say, my life has changed considerably and friends and family have noticed the changes in me. When they say something about how much I've changed I think who are they talking about? It's a lot like when I started taking Prozac about 15 years ago and after 6 months or so, I told my friends that I was going to stop taking it as I really didn't need it anymore. They all looked scared and begged me to please keep taking it. It surprised me, like it does now, at how much people thought I'd changed for the better. I know now it's really important to "Remember what it was like then and enjoy what it's like now."

Mike and I were doing errands this morning...

and I was telling him I tried to do a gratitude list this morning but blogger wouldn't let me post. He mentioned that not many of our friends and acquaintances ever think about having gratitude for all of their blessings. You know how bitchy some gurls can be, especially if you work in the hair industry like Mike. I sort of laughed and said it's a shame that more people don't take the time to realize just how good their lives really are. Yes it's true. Life isn't perfect and neither are we. But if most people would just take the time to think about all they really have they should feel something in the way of gratitude.

Today I am grateful for:
Friends who really understand what I'm trying to convey.
This unbelievable weather. 56 degrees at night and 76 in the day.
For the sun that shines down on my bald head and makes me warm.
For my too friendly dog.
For food in my fridge and a roof over my head.
Life on life's terms, all without alcohol
That I might just be feeling some of that Christmas spirit
That I get paid this week...Twice
And that blogger seems to be working today!

On my way home....

from Pennsylvania I was waiting in the security line at the airport and I had on my usual traveling outfit. Comfortable shoes, jeans, a nice shirt and of course, my hat. I almost always wear my "It's Up to Me" hat. That's the cap I picked up when I was at my first (and so far, only) Round-up. One of the cute, hunky security guys asked me what was a round-up and I said it's just an AA thing and moved on through the line. Suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder and the guy behind me asked if I'd said something about AA. I sort of chuckled and said yes. He said his brother just started going to AA. Then he hesitated, blushed and asked if anybody could go. We were still moving through the secutity gates, taking off and putting on our shoes and handling our luggage. I remember thinking about how our meetings usually start and then told him that we have both open and closed meetings and that even at the closed meetings, we can still take a vote and decide to open it to others so pretty much, we're nondiscriminating when it comes to visitors. I heard myself say, if you think you may have a problem with alochol your probably in the right place. He smiled, said thank you and we parted ways. Funny how just wearing a hat can change someone else's life, I hope.

"I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will make sense only in reverse." - Phillip Yancey

Wish we had a building like this.

One More Time

This is going to be a short post. I've been trying for days to post but either Blogger or my computer wouldn't let me post. It would just stop letting me type in the middle of my post. Sort of the way I've been feeling...like stopping in the middle of my life. I'm just getting over the "Crud", the one with the stuffed head and sore throat. I finally went to work yesterday for 5 hours and that's when I found out one of the girls in the office had it too. I sprayed a lot of Lysol around my office in the hopes that I wouldn't pass this on to anyone. No one really comes in there very often anyway except for the girl that's sick. Naturally. Thanksgiving at Lambda tomorrow. I'll see how I feel and decide then. I really don't want to give this to anyone. Well, Happy Turkey Day to all.

The Tooth one more time and then never again!

I just re-read my last few posts and I promise never to mention this tooth again. Don't worry, I've got a few more. And there's always the "root" of the problem. lol.

I just figured it out.

The reason the "Good Fairy" didn't leave me my $100 is because the whole tooth isn't, out. Just realized the root is still in there. Oh well, it doesn't hurt anymore and I've made my appointment at the clinic for bloodwork and an inspection so I should be able to go to the dental clinic in a week or so. You'd think she'd have left me $50 for half a tooth, wouldn't you?

It just happened!!!

The frig'in tooth just came out! I'm going to put it under my pillow and tomorrow I should have $100. Lord knows it's worth that much for all the pain and anxiety it's caused me.

I'm Glad

To be back.
That I went.
More soon.

I'M OUTA HERE!!!

Well, I tried.

Got out the pliers. Went into the bathroom, clamped the tooth and yanked. Immediately got nauseous and the tooth stayed where it was, is. I can't do this sober and I'm not going to drink so I guess I'm eating liquid foods for a while. Glad I still have my blender. Umm. Chicken and green bean smoothie, anyone?

Just go up again....

I've slept all day because of depression and pain. My friend Chris won't come over to pull it and I've got 4 door knobs here that are looking more and more inviting. He suggested I tie a string to the tooth and then to Max and yell "Squirrel"! That would work, but I'd have to brace myself. I don't know how exactly but this is coming out tonight! I'm on my way to Walgreen's to get some gauze and some kind of antiseptic. Wish me luck.

That Darn Tooth!

Went to the dentist this morning and didn't have to wait more than 5 minutes. Not bad since they were just fitting me in to the schedule. A quick look from the dentist and then an x-ray and lo and behold, the whole tooth has to come out. Will they do it? Nah! They can't do anything until they get the blood work back from the clinic where it's being drawn from my arm, tomorrow. Looks like I'm going to PA with the tooth, after all. I could be angry or sad but, I'm not. I knew this could happen and I'm prepared to go forward, no matter what. I'll just keep praying that it doesn't get any worse and if it does, there's always the string and the doorknob routine.

I was going through Flickr for something

to do and came across these. Enjoy.

Doing the next right thing.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Now where have I heard that? Probably AA. I think I did all the next right things today. Went to work early and called the clinic at least 4 times but couldn't get through. After work, while craving a drink or something to alleviate the pain of "the tooth", I came home put some Anbesol on it and took a nap instead. Got up and went to vote. After which I went to the clinic and set up an appointment for blood work and an interview/exam for Thursday at 12:20 pm. Then I came home and called the dental clinic and begged in my most whinny voice for them to let me come in and to see what they could do while we are waiting for my blood work to come back. It should only take about 2 weeks. While I was whining I mentioned my upcoming trip to Mommie Dearest's 75th birthday and that I really wanted to be able to eat cake. I go in tomorrow at 8 am. and they'll fit me in somewhere. This means I'll have to wait up to 4 hours, in pain, scared of what's to come and knowing that the old me would eventually get so bored or so scared that I'd get up and leave. Not this time. I'm going to face this head on.

And just now my old doctor's accounting person called and started chastising me for not paying what we agreed upon in May. I let her go on and on about how she went the extra mile in letting me set my payments lower than anyone else, and how disappointed in me she was, blah, blah,blah. And slowly, I turned, step by step, inch by inch, until......I said STOP! I explained, not unkindly or too loudly, that I want to pay my bills. Especially, my doctor's bills as he's saved my life several times and just how does she think this makes me feel when she goes on and on about what I haven't done. I know what I haven't done. I have thousands of dollars that I owe just to the hospital and the doctors that Medicare did not cover. I'm so lucky that I can get my drugs through clinics that specialize in dealing with people with HIV and Aids, who are poor. I want to pay it all back and I can't and I have to live with this everyday and I do, without drinking or drugging. She took a breath and so did I and she said maybe I should go to the clinic after all. It seems evident that I can't pay my debts at this time. I nicely said thank you and hung up and thought "Bitch"!
I've tried being honest, like this, with the creditors that call 2 or 3 times a night but, they're really mean. lol It's not worth the angst it causes me and "Reality Check" there's little I can do about any of it. So, one day at a time, I deal with what I can and try and let the rest go. Thanks for listening. L.

PS. This would have looked so much better if Blogger would let me post a picture. I'm getting tired of this.

This might just be all about me but...

I've had the same doctor for years and years. He's great, cute, a redhead and an expert on Aids and HIV. Very handy if you happen to be HIV+ like me. This really all started with the tooth. That one that is loose, still. I checked at the local dental clinic today and yes they still have me in their files and yes I can come back if I have my current bloodwork available. Doctor's office says last time was February so I have to get new. This sweet young girl at the Dr.'s office left a message this afternoon and then just called again a minute ago. I explained about the tooth and the bloodwork and she said come on in. I explained how I couldn't since the doctor got a new accounting person who suddenly surprised me with a bill for $500 and said I had to pay it right away. I've sent $30 in the last 3 months. I'm not happy about that but it's all I can send. And then I mentioned that he'd become too expensive for me anyhow. So I told her I was going to go to the local clinic instead and that it was a shame as that doctor has pulled me back from the brink of death a few times now. She really thinks she can get around the accounting person but I don't. She's welcome to try. It would make things easier but I'm going to go ahead with my original plan. While I was explaining to her about him I teared up and got all emotional. I haven't in the recent past given this the time and attention I should have and suddenly just got overwhelmed. I apologized for getting all weepy and we ended on a positive note. It's kind of funny how one thing leads to another thing that leads to another. You get my gist.

I need to add that I'm trying to work an eight hours a day this week to help make up for all the time I'll lose next week when I'm in PA. This is really hard for me to do. After 5 hours of paperwork all I want to do is sleep. Maybe I'll sneak a cot in to my office. Just a little 30 minute nap would do the trick. I wonder if anyone would notice?

I deleted my last two posts because...

They really just don't feel or sound like me. lol I ran into said person this morning and we had a nice chat and he mentioned he saw me yesterday at the center and didn't get a chance to say hello. Don't I feel stupid now? Yes. So it was all just a bunch of me, me, me. I've learned my lesson, again. It's odd how we can learn something and then forget it and then learn it again. And who knows, maybe again and again! Thanks for your comments. L.

HP works in mysterious ways...

My mom and her car.


Have you ever just thought of someone and the phone rings and it's them? That happens to me a lot. Yesterday, I got my haircut (I know dAAve, which one?) and my hairburner and best friend Mike asked me if I was still going home for Christmas. I said no as I couldn't really afford to go and it would be flu season and it's the worst time of year to be in any airport. Justify, justify. And that's all that was said. So, I go home and there are two messages from my brother asking me to call him. I immediately get worried that something is wrong with one of my family. Lance called me Sunday for the first time in months and I can't ever remember him calling me twice in one week, hence my panic. So he says nothings wrong but could I get off work for a couple days and come home, as a surprise, for our Mom's 75th birthday. He and my sister would split the difference. So, we booked a flight and I'll be flying in to Pittsburgh on the 12th and we'll have the big party with all of her friends and close family on the 13th. Then I'll come back the 16th which will give me time for a short visit. I think it's going to be fun. The last time I surprised anyone in my family with a trip home was for my parents 30th wedding anniversary. We had the party at my sister's house and my parent's friends took them out for dinner. After they got in and realized what was going on, I popped out of the stairwell and hugged my mom and dad. My dad started to cry (something he never did) and I then realized he'd had more than a bit to drink. Maybe it was because I told him I was moving back home and wanted to live with him and mom. I was just kidding but the threat may been enough to make him cry. Anyway, it was a good time and I've still got pictures from that adventure that I treasure to this day. I hope it goes as well this time. I can't wait!