Day 23? 02-04-04

Still going through the hell of not drinking. I go through moods of feeling OK or mostly alright and then deep deep depression. I could list all the things that make me feel depressed but I won't. I have so many feelings swimming around in my head. As always there's the car. I'm afraid (at the moment) to look for work. Am I now lazy? I didn't used to be..I used to be driven by a will to succeed. I just talked to my sponsor and he suggested I look into counseling. I think I can get someone at the Montrose Clinic.

Day 26 02-06-04 What a day yesterday was! I talked to Jewel in the morning and she asked about the title transfer. I lied and said I'd get it done this week. Took a shower before the 12:15 and found myself crying in the shower. Stopped, got dressed and went to the meeting. Joe was there, I said Hi and started to cry and had to leave the meeting. Felt impossible to shoulder all the responsibilities and take care of all the stuff that was happening to me at this time and all the stuff that happened to me while I was drunk and didn't deal with at all. If I drank I didn't have to worry about not having money, a job or fixing the car or whatever and then of course I'd have to worry about it with a hangover later. Talked and cried to Joe and finally got calmed down enough to return for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. The subject was people who come in and look really upset. LOL Did my little scene help lead them to discus this subject? I don't know but it sure helped me. Came home and called Corene and cried some more. Eating some not very good soup now. Well, maybe I won't drink today and maybe the soup will taste better tomorrow.