Link I'll never drink again Vol. 2: December 2006

Friday, December 29, 2006

Girl after my own heart.

Serenity blocker: Sin...

Program Principle: Be more sinned against, than sinning.

"To err is human, but it feels divine."

Mae West, American actress, comedienne and sex symbol in the 1930's motion pictures. (1893-1980)

Jack C.
The Serenity Project

Monday, December 25, 2006

I talk to myself.

Do you? Recently, I was at work and working on a project that I really thought someone else should be doing instead of me. I was in this trailer and there was only one other guy there and he was in another office. As I was sorting through 5,000 sheets of paper looking for a special 100 of them I was evidently talking to myself. Rick the other guy came out and said who are you talking to and I just said me and then felt embarrassed. Then I started to really pay attention to how often I do it. Turns out, I do it a lot. So far I've caught myself doing it at the grocery store, the laundromat, in the car and especially at home with my dog Max. So I asked my therapist about it and he hadn't ever thought about it. He said, he never read about it in his studies. He suggested I Google it and to let him know what I found out. Here's an article that I found from some therapist in Milwaukee. Sssssh. Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.

In old movies, if you wanted to show that someone was really crazy you'd show them talking to themselves.Even if they were only doing it mentally, it was supposed to be a sure sign of mental illness. What's really bizarre about this is that the act of talking to ourselves is actually a sign that we are self-aware and that we seek insight into our own actions. Talking to ourselves mentally is actually a hallmark of being human and proof that we are a higher species.
WE ALL DO IT (only most of us don't do it outloud)
We all have mental conversations with ourselves.
Self-talk is so constant that meditation groups, relaxation tapes, and self-help books focus on just trying to get us to be able to stop all the self-talk for a few seconds of deep relaxation.
But, in a sense, we can measure our degree of psychological pain by checking out our self-talk.
It's not whether we do it, it's what we say to ourselves that matters.

It would be wonderful if we only said well-thought-out, self-protective, self-loving things to ourselves.
It would be wonderful, but it's just not true for most of us most of the time.
A lot of self-talk is critical. It's as if our private mental world is occupied by a watchdog who is always anxious to point out our flaws.
To a degree, this is self-protective.It "resets our automatic pilot" when it is veering too far off course.But one of the quickest and best ways to improve our lives is through changing negative self-talk.
How do we go about it?

1) Become aware of it.
2) Label its source.3) Change it.4) Notice how different you feel.5) Decide whether to change it further.6) Don't think you are finished.

Journaling seems to be the most popular technique for becoming aware of your self-talk at the moment.
But whether you use a real journal or just try to notice what you say to yourself without a journal,look for the disagreements within yourself.
Sometimes these disagreements will be almost auditory.(What's he mean almost?) One side will say something and the other side will say "That's not true," etc.
But any self-talk that makes you feel bad contains a "disagreement."The disagreement is between the self-talk and the healthy part of us that doesn't want to feel bad!

So, what I get from all of this is that he thinks it's all a mental exercise and for me, it's a verbal exercise. I'll try and stop being so vocal and perhaps I've not been blogging enough. If journaling is a great way to self-talk then I can post more often. And, you know, I always feel better after I post. Talk to you soon.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Mentoring, Me?

What an idea! I, who have succumbed to the worst that alcohol can offer...Well, maybe not the worst...But I did my best. And yet, I think about my young neighbors and all their trials and think that I could help....Having been there, done that....But do they listen, like I used to? No! I didn't listen then and I don't expect them to now unless, I dye my hair...What's left of it. If I look younger, maybe they'll listen. Not! If only someone would listen to me...I think that I have something worth while to say...My life would be so different. It's one of the reasons I don't want to go to a meeting. I'm worried I might really say what I'm really thinking. I might poor out all the loneliness..The anger (my therapist made me say that) ..Even though I do have friends that care and are around sometimes. Maybe it's about not having a lover or boyfriend to share this part of my life with although I don't remember ever looking or wanting someone who would make me whole. I've always felt that I'm just fine by myself. I don't need anyone to make me complete. At least, I didn't before. Is it the fear of growing old? All my friends are middle aged or damn close to it...No matter what they say! (some of those girls just won't give up their real age) That was never a problem for me before when I was drinking all the time. Yeah. Right. It might have been one of the problems I should have been working through at the time. Alcohol makes everything easy to deal with....Until tomorrow. Unfortunately, you don't usually deal with anything except getting that next bottle or beer.

On another note, I worked 54 hours this week and 48 last week. Not bad for someone who's supposed to be working part-time. I can't wait till I play catch-up with all of my filing and then I'm going back to the old ways where I worked just 19.50 hours a week. It's going to happen. I know it will. I can't let myself get sucked back into the corporate world where you can never do enough no matter how hard you try. I'll be careful and I think I'm going to go back to Lambda someday soon. I have 22 days now and even though I feel like maybe that incident with the alcohol didn't really happen...OK, I know it did, I'll go fess up at the meeting just as soon as I get through this moving business at work. Just a few more days, in theory. Actually, with luck, it should all be over on Thursday when the boss gets his new conference table and chairs. Whew!!

So, I've been busy. Haven't you? But somehow, it all gets done. I hope all of you have a great Christmas (if that's what you celebrate). Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

As some of you know, I've been dieting for the last 8 weeks.

I just got back from the doctor's where I got my results. Yes, I've lost 23 lbs. and that's good news but the better news is that my Cholesterol went from 347 to 201 and my Triglycerides went from 634 to 180. Looks like I might make it to 60 after all. I still have to stay on the diet and still have to keep taking 20 mg. of Lipator and I can do that. Tomorrow. Anybody want to go to Joe's Crab Shack? They're advertising 3 kinds of shrimp (fried) for $9.99!!

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Sorry I haven't posted again, I'm still numb. Also, exhausted from my job and daily chores. Normally I'm going to work at 7am. and getting home sometime after dark. I've been blessed with a visit from a long time friend who has stopped to visit for the last two evenings. He didn't leave till around 8 pm each night and so that's when I finally took my shoes and got comfortable. Makes for a pretty long day. So that's how I've been physically and mentally, well just numb. Luckily? Luckily I've been through this sober/drunk/sober thing before and know how I'm going to feel and what I can do for myself. Or at least I know what's worked before. I keep reminding myself that the feelings of shame, stupidity and sometimes anger I've had before for much the same reasons. It's day 3 and I feel like I know what to expect. I appreciate your comments of support and thank you. I'm going to be OK, eventually.
PS. The pic is of a sunrise not a sunset.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I've been drinking for the last 3 days.

There, I've said it. I'm going to start back on the meetings. Guess I'll try the Post Oak club since it's in the building I work in. It will be scary going back especially to somewhere I've never been before but I can do it. All of the meetings are the same, aren't they? You know I've never been anywhere but the Lambda meetings. Oh well, time to try new things since the old ways didn't work too good. I feel all kinds of ways right now. Depressed, naturally but not much shame for some reason. I feel like it's OK for me to screw up and that I'll be forgiven if I try again. As long as I keep trying there's hope...right? My job is good, my friends and family will forgive me, I think, as long as I keep trying...right? But I'm not doing this for you or them but for me. I've called Mom and told her...she says she knew already. My sister too. Who did I think I was fooling? Me, that's who. Well guess I'll call all my friends and fess up. I've already called the therapist for another session. Confession is supposed to be good for the soul. Monday December 4, 2006 my new sobriety date. I just have to get through today...right? Right.