Link I'll never drink again Vol. 2: Now I've Really embarrassed Myself!

Monday, June 06, 2005

Now I've Really embarrassed Myself!

I've had a bit of a busy day, lots of running around in the AC impaired car. Kept myself hydrated by drinking lots of bottled water. At least 5 so far. Then I had to go to the gym and while I wasn't particularly excited about the prospect of working out (I seldom am excited) I went because I'm now a responsible citizen of AA. I didn't feel very strong but it was a fairly normal workout until the end. I was on the stationary bicycle and having to peddle for 16 minutes. At 3 minutes I realized that I wasn't going to make it. I told my trainer who said just keep on peddling. At 5 minutes 39 seconds my legs shut off and I couldn't peddle anymore. I told the trainer and when he came over to check I started to cry. Not just all misty eyed but good ole heart wrenching sobbing. I fled to the bathroom, composed myself and splashed some water on my face and took a deep breath and went back to sign out. I tried to explain but of course, broke out in tears again. Made it to the car and sobbed some more. What I tried to explain to the trainer thru my tears, was that now that I'm sober I have to deal with a lot of feelings that I never used to deal with at all. Like the feelings of inadequacy, disappointments in myself, why can't I do what other people can do, why am I not good enough, why don't I try harder, etc., etc., etc.. Of course they're just feelings. They go away most of the time. I am dealing with them. I am getting better. I'm not just ignoring them by drinking myself into oblivion. I'm dealing. I think maybe I just over did it today and was a bit dehydrated in spite of my efforts not to become so. I'll take another DEEP BREATH. I'll be OK. No, I am OK.

9 Comments:

Blogger dAAve said...

That is an incredibly good and HONEST share. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Your body just isn't as young as it used to be. It will take some time to get there, very gradually. One day at a time.

Where have I heard that before?

6:47 PM  
Blogger Faith said...

I totally with you. One of the toughest parts of being sober is dealing with ME. And having to really listen to my feelings, deal with them, try to overcome them. It's difficult and painful and HARD. I guess in the end though, our victories will be that much sweeter because we dealt.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Scott W said...

I love being able to cry. I love it when I get emotional because that means my heart is expanding. I do not want to go back to my old ways, and life is tough sometimes, but at the end of every day I know I have been given all I needed for that day. I fall asleep knowing I am doing just as I am supposed to be.

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hannen, I loved Scott W.'s share. It was from the heart and well intended. He is a good friend. With time these little incidents will take their proper place in the relevance of things, at the bottom of the meaningful scale. I join the previous three commentators in supporting you and your efforts at staying sober. Hang in there, good friend. I hope to see you soon. Queen Noor

7:25 AM  
Blogger doughgirl said...

((Hugs))

Dealing with feelings is the hardest thing we do everyday. You said it, we drank them all away for however many years and when we quit drinking, they all come rushing back at us. You are doing well my dear friend. Add tears to your grateful list, because as you know, some of us cant cry and cant release our emotions in a healthy manner.
I too like what Scott said. You heart is expanding...

Love Ya :)

5:58 PM  
Blogger recoveryroad said...

There's a difference between saying you're okay, and as good as everyone else and really believing it.

I'm beginning to find that I'm beginning to believe it as each day goes by and I cope with what life throws at me without running for a drink.

I guess the years of destroying ourselves emotionally and spiritually have taken their toll and it'll take some time to repair the damage.

5:16 AM  
Blogger jimg said...

Be kind to yourself. Excersize is important, it help me with depression and all that self esteem crap, but there are days when I have to say no and go to a meeting instead. My Sponsor, my spiritual trainer if you will, told me long ago to keep it simple and not to take on too much.
Congradulations on 7 months, everyday is a miracle isn't it!
See you in November.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Grateful said...

Hannen, Congratulations on your 7 months. Yes, you are OK. You are very OK. Everyday you are sober, you are OK.

Even though they're 'just feelings', feelings hurt, confuse and throw us for loops. It helps us appreciate the happiness, joy, peace and serenity we can find after they are gone.

Keep stepping. You're OK.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous JJ said...

Congratulations on 7 months. And thank you for your kind words. It will be o.k.
Peace - JJ

7:47 AM  

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