Program Principle: It comes gradually, with age - more gradually for some than others.
"I'm at an age where I think more about food than about sex. Last week, I put a mirror above my dining room table." Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian, (1921-2004)
Well,, I went to have my blood work done yesterday but the guy screwed it up and he only got one vial of blood and left a huge blood blister on my arm. He's going to try and get it right today. So, another morning without Coffee! Oh well, there's always tomorrow.
I've been feeling pretty good these days. Cooking a lot and of course the weather has been great. It's sort of Spring for us now. Highs in the 70's and lows in the 50's. It's so nice to sleep with the windows open and the heater off. I'm still seeing my therapist every week. I've pretty much gotten over the whole abuse business and am going on with my life. Work is kind of slow, for me, right now and that's OK. Gives me a chance to catch up on a lot of projects. At first I thought I was going to be bored but boring can be good. No pressure is always good. So,, I'm working every day and not stressed out anymore. Hope your all doing well, too. Later.
what can you say? I didn't state all of that to solicit pity or whatever. It's just therapeutic to get it off my chest. At least it's supposed to be therapeutic. Ha. Well, we'll see. Today's payday and I've got a ton of shopping to do and I swear I'm going to get the crevice tool out for my sweeper and go behind the furniture and suck out all the doghair that's been hiding there. Life with Max can be a hairy experience! (pun intended) He's such a good dog. I know I'm blessed to have a buddy like him. And friends like you, too.
Here are some more Meditations that float my boat.
Serenity Builder: Diligence...
Program Principle: Genius and inspiration are not substitutes for hard work.
“What saves a man is to take a step... and then another step." Antoine de Saint-Exupery, French pilot and writer, best known for 'The Little Prince', (1900-1944)
Serenity Builder: Worthiness...
Program Principle: I am worth it. So are you.
"We are stardust, we are golden.And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." Joni Mitchell, contemporary Canadian singer, songwriter.
Serenity Builder: Goodness...
Program Principle: The good you do, lives long after you are through.
"The luxury of doing good far surpasses every other enjoyment." John Gay, English poet and dramatist (1685-1732)
Serenity Builder: Love...
Program Principle: Love manifests towards those we like as love; and towards those we do not like as forgiveness."
"Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it." Karl Menninger, American psychiatrist who founded the Menninger Foundation and the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas (1893-1990)
It works just fine the way it is. At least for me, anyhow. I have to remember to try and be accepting of change. Change is everywhere and the older I get the less receptive I am towards it. I'll do it eventually. Anybody have anything good to say about it?
And now the real reason why I haven't written lately. About a month ago I realized, with the help of my therapist, that I'd been sexually molested when I was 12 or 13 years old. I always knew that I'd been introduced to and forced to have sex with my older cousin but because I'm gay, I never thought of it as abuse. Finally, after some intense probing from my therapist (no pun intended) I was able to realize what had really happened to me. I immediately broke down and cried and then I went numb. Since then I've been plagued by neck and back pain and fits of anger. I believe they're from what I'd realized and are sort of my way of working through all this. My therapist has been there for me whenever I call, night or day and I do appreciate his commitment to helping me through this. I haven't, nor have I wanted to, drink over this. It's never really crossed my mind. What has crossed my mind is to go to AZ and kill the motherfucker! I'm trying to forgive him. It's not easy. He's already the pariah of our family. Not allowed to come back to the home town. I believe he's been arrested in 1 or 2 states already. At least I didn't turn out like him. So, that's what's been going on and I promise to write more often...now that I've gotten over my fear. Day 70
It's all beginning to make sense. Several times (like in the Big Book) it sounds like he's talking about me, in particular. I really feel like this just might work and I'm getting excited about becoming an ex-smoker. I've had this crick in my neck since just before I got sick and yesterday I finally went to my chiropractor. He is so cool. Because he has a photographic memory he always remembers what we talked about last time I was in. In this case, 3 years ago. But I had so much to tell him about these last three years that he barely got a word in edge wise. You know, getting sober, getting mugged, getting a new car, getting a 40" TV, getting a good job, getting new friends, losing weight(down to 147 now), losing cholesterol points, getting it together with the help of my therapist....all good, if a little bumpy, sometimes. He said he thought I was a warrior or survivor. Well, we all know I'm a survivor. Out of all the bad things that happened to me, something good has come and out of all the good things that have happened to me, something great has come. At least that's the way I feel about it. Day 51
I'm just starting it now. Allen Carr's, Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It's almost perfect timing for me because I've been really sick with a cold (I hope) since Sunday evening. We're having a mild ice storm this morning and so I wouldn't have to work any how. So I've got the day to read away and hope it all makes sense to me. I'll let you know how it goes. Day 45.
The other day, while I was doing my laundry I saw dAAve sweeping the street and went over to say Hi. He mentioned the book he read called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. He told me to look it up on his blog, which I did and a few days ago, I ordered it. Should be here in a few days. I know, everybody tries to quit smoking on New Year's Day but I went out and bought a carton last year to get me through the next few days. I'm hoping to finish the cigs and the book at about the same time. I had been cherishing my only vice....that I still do. I gave up drinking and then I gave up bad foods and lost those 23 lbs and now, for some reason, oh yeah, so I can breathe and quit coughing all the time, I'm going to quit smoking. Oh gosh! Next thing you know I'll start exercising. Oh No! Then if my hair grows back....I'll be perfect!!
