I'll never drink again Vol. 2

2007-02-28T07:18:00.000-06:00

Serenity Builder: Maturity...

Program Principle: It comes gradually, with age - more gradually for some than others.

"I'm at an age where I think more about food than about sex. Last week, I put a mirror above my dining room table."
Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian, (1921-2004)

Jack C.
The Serenity Project
jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

Well,, I went to have my blood work done yesterday but the guy screwed it up and he only got one vial of blood and left a huge blood blister on my arm. He's going to try and get it right today. So, another morning without Coffee! Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

I've been feeling pretty good these days. Cooking a lot and of course the weather has been great. It's sort of Spring for us now. Highs in the 70's and lows in the 50's. It's so nice to sleep with the windows open and the heater off.
I'm still seeing my therapist every week. I've pretty much gotten over the whole abuse business and am going on with my life. Work is kind of slow, for me, right now and that's OK. Gives me a chance to catch up on a lot of projects. At first I thought I was going to be bored but boring can be good. No pressure is always good. So,, I'm working every day and not stressed out anymore. Hope your all doing well, too. Later.

After a post like the previous one...

2007-02-16T04:49:00.000-06:00

what can you say? I didn't state all of that to solicit pity or whatever. It's just therapeutic to get it off my chest. At least it's supposed to be therapeutic. Ha. Well, we'll see. Today's payday and I've got a ton of shopping to do and I swear I'm going to get the crevice tool out for my sweeper and go behind the furniture and suck out all the doghair that's been hiding there. Life with Max can be a hairy experience! (pun intended) He's such a good dog. I know I'm blessed to have a buddy like him. And friends like you, too.

Here are some more Meditations that float my boat.

2007-02-15T05:51:00.000-06:00

Serenity Builder: Diligence...

Program Principle: Genius and inspiration are not substitutes for hard work.

“What saves a man is to take a step... and then another step."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, French pilot and writer, best known for 'The Little Prince', (1900-1944)

Serenity Builder: Worthiness...

Program Principle: I am worth it. So are you.

"We are stardust, we are golden.And we've got to get ourselves back to the garden."
Joni Mitchell, contemporary Canadian singer, songwriter.

Serenity Builder: Goodness...

Program Principle: The good you do, lives long after you are through.

"The luxury of doing good far surpasses every other enjoyment."
John Gay, English poet and dramatist (1685-1732)

Serenity Builder: Love...

Program Principle: Love manifests towards those we like as love; and towards those we do not like as forgiveness."

"Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
Karl Menninger, American psychiatrist who founded the Menninger Foundation and the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas (1893-1990)

I don't want to change to the new Blogger.

2007-02-13T19:07:00.000-06:00

It works just fine the way it is. At least for me, anyhow. I have to remember to try and be accepting of change. Change is everywhere and the older I get the less receptive I am towards it. I'll do it eventually. Anybody have anything good to say about it?

And now the real reason why I haven't written lately. About a month ago I realized, with the help of my therapist, that I'd been sexually molested when I was 12 or 13 years old. I always knew that I'd been introduced to and forced to have sex with my older cousin but because I'm gay, I never thought of it as abuse. Finally, after some intense probing from my therapist (no pun intended) I was able to realize what had really happened to me. I immediately broke down and cried and then I went numb. Since then I've been plagued by neck and back pain and fits of anger. I believe they're from what I'd realized and are sort of my way of working through all this. My therapist has been there for me whenever I call, night or day and I do appreciate his commitment to helping me through this. I haven't, nor have I wanted to, drink over this. It's never really crossed my mind. What has crossed my mind is to go to AZ and kill the motherfucker! I'm trying to forgive him. It's not easy. He's already the pariah of our family. Not allowed to come back to the home town. I believe he's been arrested in 1 or 2 states already. At least I didn't turn out like him. So, that's what's been going on and I promise to write more often...now that I've gotten over my fear. Day 70

I'm half way through the no more smoking book.

2007-01-23T05:58:00.000-06:00

It's all beginning to make sense. Several times (like in the Big Book) it sounds like he's talking about me, in particular. I really feel like this just might work and I'm getting excited about becoming an ex-smoker. I've had this crick in my neck since just before I got sick and yesterday I finally went to my chiropractor. He is so cool. Because he has a photographic memory he always remembers what we talked about last time I was in. In this case, 3 years ago. But I had so much to tell him about these last three years that he barely got a word in edge wise. You know, getting sober, getting mugged, getting a new car, getting a 40" TV, getting a good job, getting new friends, losing weight(down to 147 now), losing cholesterol points, getting it together with the help of my therapist....all good, if a little bumpy, sometimes. He said he thought I was a warrior or survivor. Well, we all know I'm a survivor. Out of all the bad things that happened to me, something good has come and out of all the good things that have happened to me, something great has come. At least that's the way I feel about it. Day 51

Well, I got the book.

2007-01-17T08:38:00.000-06:00

I'm just starting it now. Allen Carr's, Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It's almost perfect timing for me because I've been really sick with a cold (I hope) since Sunday evening. We're having a mild ice storm this morning and so I wouldn't have to work any how. So I've got the day to read away and hope it all makes sense to me. I'll let you know how it goes. Day 45.

Every once in a while these meditations really hit home for me.

2007-01-01T08:10:00.000-06:00

I like this one:

Serenity builder: Personality,,,

Program Principle: Let your light shine for all to see.

"When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place."

Jimmy Breslin, contemporary American journalist and social commentator.

Jack C.

The Serenity Project
http://us.f821.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

The other day, while I was doing my laundry I saw dAAve sweeping the street and went over to say Hi. He mentioned the book he read called The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. He told me to look it up on his blog, which I did and a few days ago, I ordered it. Should be here in a few days. I know, everybody tries to quit smoking on New Year's Day but I went out and bought a carton last year to get me through the next few days. I'm hoping to finish the cigs and the book at about the same time. I had been cherishing my only vice....that I still do. I gave up drinking and then I gave up bad foods and lost those 23 lbs and now, for some reason, oh yeah, so I can breathe and quit coughing all the time, I'm going to quit smoking. Oh gosh! Next thing you know I'll start exercising. Oh No! Then if my hair grows back....I'll be perfect!!

Girl after my own heart.

2006-12-29T05:34:00.000-06:00

Serenity blocker: Sin...

Program Principle: Be more sinned against, than sinning.

"To err is human, but it feels divine."

Mae West, American actress, comedienne and sex symbol in the 1930's motion pictures. (1893-1980)

Jack C.
The Serenity Project

jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

I talk to myself.

2006-12-25T06:45:00.000-06:00

Do you? Recently, I was at work and working on a project that I really thought someone else should be doing instead of me. I was in this trailer and there was only one other guy there and he was in another office. As I was sorting through 5,000 sheets of paper looking for a special 100 of them I was evidently talking to myself. Rick the other guy came out and said who are you talking to and I just said me and then felt embarrassed. Then I started to really pay attention to how often I do it. Turns out, I do it a lot. So far I've caught myself doing it at the grocery store, the laundromat, in the car and especially at home with my dog Max. So I asked my therapist about it and he hadn't ever thought about it. He said, he never read about it in his studies. He suggested I Google it and to let him know what I found out. Here's an article that I found from some therapist in Milwaukee. Sssssh. Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.

In old movies, if you wanted to show that someone was really crazy you'd show them talking to themselves.Even if they were only doing it mentally, it was supposed to be a sure sign of mental illness. What's really bizarre about this is that the act of talking to ourselves is actually a sign that we are self-aware and that we seek insight into our own actions. Talking to ourselves mentally is actually a hallmark of being human and proof that we are a higher species.
WE ALL DO IT (only most of us don't do it outloud)
We all have mental conversations with ourselves.
Self-talk is so constant that meditation groups, relaxation tapes, and self-help books focus on just trying to get us to be able to stop all the self-talk for a few seconds of deep relaxation.
But, in a sense, we can measure our degree of psychological pain by checking out our self-talk.
It's not whether we do it, it's what we say to ourselves that matters.

WHAT DO WE SAY TO OURSELVES?
It would be wonderful if we only said well-thought-out, self-protective, self-loving things to ourselves.
It would be wonderful, but it's just not true for most of us most of the time.
A lot of self-talk is critical. It's as if our private mental world is occupied by a watchdog who is always anxious to point out our flaws.
To a degree, this is self-protective.It "resets our automatic pilot" when it is veering too far off course.But one of the quickest and best ways to improve our lives is through changing negative self-talk.
How do we go about it?

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR SELF-TALK
1) Become aware of it.
2) Label its source.3) Change it.4) Notice how different you feel.5) Decide whether to change it further.6) Don't think you are finished.

BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR SELF-TALK
Journaling seems to be the most popular technique for becoming aware of your self-talk at the moment.
But whether you use a real journal or just try to notice what you say to yourself without a journal,look for the disagreements within yourself.
Sometimes these disagreements will be almost auditory.(What's he mean almost?) One side will say something and the other side will say "That's not true," etc.
But any self-talk that makes you feel bad contains a "disagreement."The disagreement is between the self-talk and the healthy part of us that doesn't want to feel bad!

So, what I get from all of this is that he thinks it's all a mental exercise and for me, it's a verbal exercise. I'll try and stop being so vocal and perhaps I've not been blogging enough. If journaling is a great way to self-talk then I can post more often. And, you know, I always feel better after I post. Talk to you soon.

Mentoring, Me?

2006-12-18T19:00:00.000-06:00

What an idea! I, who have succumbed to the worst that alcohol can offer...Well, maybe not the worst...But I did my best. And yet, I think about my young neighbors and all their trials and think that I could help....Having been there, done that....But do they listen, like I used to? No! I didn't listen then and I don't expect them to now unless, I dye my hair...What's left of it. If I look younger, maybe they'll listen. Not! If only someone would listen to me...I think that I have something worth while to say...My life would be so different. It's one of the reasons I don't want to go to a meeting. I'm worried I might really say what I'm really thinking. I might poor out all the loneliness..The anger (my therapist made me say that) ..Even though I do have friends that care and are around sometimes. Maybe it's about not having a lover or boyfriend to share this part of my life with although I don't remember ever looking or wanting someone who would make me whole. I've always felt that I'm just fine by myself. I don't need anyone to make me complete. At least, I didn't before. Is it the fear of growing old? All my friends are middle aged or damn close to it...No matter what they say! (some of those girls just won't give up their real age) That was never a problem for me before when I was drinking all the time. Yeah. Right. It might have been one of the problems I should have been working through at the time. Alcohol makes everything easy to deal with....Until tomorrow. Unfortunately, you don't usually deal with anything except getting that next bottle or beer.

On another note, I worked 54 hours this week and 48 last week. Not bad for someone who's supposed to be working part-time. I can't wait till I play catch-up with all of my filing and then I'm going back to the old ways where I worked just 19.50 hours a week. It's going to happen. I know it will. I can't let myself get sucked back into the corporate world where you can never do enough no matter how hard you try. I'll be careful and I think I'm going to go back to Lambda someday soon. I have 22 days now and even though I feel like maybe that incident with the alcohol didn't really happen...OK, I know it did, I'll go fess up at the meeting just as soon as I get through this moving business at work. Just a few more days, in theory. Actually, with luck, it should all be over on Thursday when the boss gets his new conference table and chairs. Whew!!

So, I've been busy. Haven't you? But somehow, it all gets done. I hope all of you have a great Christmas (if that's what you celebrate). Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night!

As some of you know, I've been dieting for the last 8 weeks.

2006-12-13T11:26:00.000-06:00

I just got back from the doctor's where I got my results. Yes, I've lost 23 lbs. and that's good news but the better news is that my Cholesterol went from 347 to 201 and my Triglycerides went from 634 to 180. Looks like I might make it to 60 after all. I still have to stay on the diet and still have to keep taking 20 mg. of Lipator and I can do that. Tomorrow. Anybody want to go to Joe's Crab Shack? They're advertising 3 kinds of shrimp (fried) for $9.99!!

Morning

2006-12-07T05:55:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted again, I'm still numb. Also, exhausted from my job and daily chores. Normally I'm going to work at 7am. and getting home sometime after dark. I've been blessed with a visit from a long time friend who has stopped to visit for the last two evenings. He didn't leave till around 8 pm each night and so that's when I finally took my shoes and got comfortable. Makes for a pretty long day. So that's how I've been physically and mentally, well just numb. Luckily? Luckily I've been through this sober/drunk/sober thing before and know how I'm going to feel and what I can do for myself. Or at least I know what's worked before. I keep reminding myself that the feelings of shame, stupidity and sometimes anger I've had before for much the same reasons. It's day 3 and I feel like I know what to expect. I appreciate your comments of support and thank you. I'm going to be OK, eventually.
PS. The pic is of a sunrise not a sunset.

I've been drinking for the last 3 days.

2006-12-04T08:47:00.000-06:00

There, I've said it. I'm going to start back on the meetings. Guess I'll try the Post Oak club since it's in the building I work in. It will be scary going back especially to somewhere I've never been before but I can do it. All of the meetings are the same, aren't they? You know I've never been anywhere but the Lambda meetings. Oh well, time to try new things since the old ways didn't work too good. I feel all kinds of ways right now. Depressed, naturally but not much shame for some reason. I feel like it's OK for me to screw up and that I'll be forgiven if I try again. As long as I keep trying there's hope...right? My job is good, my friends and family will forgive me, I think, as long as I keep trying...right? But I'm not doing this for you or them but for me. I've called Mom and told her...she says she knew already. My sister too. Who did I think I was fooling? Me, that's who. Well guess I'll call all my friends and fess up. I've already called the therapist for another session. Confession is supposed to be good for the soul. Monday December 4, 2006 my new sobriety date. I just have to get through today...right? Right.

And about getting older....

2006-11-16T05:49:00.000-06:00

is that why I don't like the new Internet Explorer 7.0? I tried it for a week and decided I liked the old one better and switched back. Is that why I haven't switched to the new version of blogger? Have any of you switched and do you like it? I'm afraid to switch and find out I don't like it and be stuck with it. Can I switch back if I want? So many questions but let's just say now I'm cautious instead of getting too old to like change. Ha.

When I went home to Pennsylvania last Spring I

2006-11-16T05:28:00.000-06:00

was driving my two nieces somewhere and the oldest one (18) said to me, "How do I get the window down? There's no button." I explained that all she had to do was grab that handle with the little knob and turn it. I guess she had never been in a car without electric windows. How scary. So someone just sent me this email and although I'm sure some of you have seen this before, it bears repeating. I'm old but I'm not that old.

Do you remember?
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke box s
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbe rs with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And now that I think about it I remember getting our first computer, at work, in 1990. Wow. I am old.

If I had any idea how to put this pic

2006-11-11T08:20:00.000-06:00

in the spot where most of your photos are....I'd do it. It's a perfect pic for the title of my blog. Don't you think?
Course, it'd be better if I looked like that.

Second-hand Alcohol

2006-11-02T17:32:00.000-06:00

I was just telling a friend about my experiences, lately, with second-hand alcohol. I got on the elevator the other day and there were two guys on there that looked like they were fans of ZZ Top. Long, grey beards and God, the odor! I swear I could still smell the beer 5 minutes later. At that party the other night, it didn't bother me to see the bottles of alcohol but the many whiffs of alcohol on people's breath was kind of hard to take. I know second-hand smoke can kill you so why not a law against second-hand alcohol? It's time we make a stand! Call your congressman or woman! Just kidding.

Halloween Eve

2006-11-01T06:45:00.000-06:00

I went to our annual Halloween party last night. Chris and I go to our friend's Ken and Chuck's house and we hand out Halloween candy to the kids. They live in a nice suburban neighborhood in the Heights. Jim and Ed and Diane were there too. I was just a little anxious about going to another party where some people would be drinking but as I always say, if I get uncomfortable I can leave. Chris knows I might want to leave suddenly and I always make sure he has a ride if I'm leaving early. It seems to work well, for me. This night was special because it was also Diane's Birthday and she had retired that day from the IRS after 39 years of employment. Wow. I had gone to the Dollar store and got her some gag gifts so she'd have something to do with all that spare time since retiring. She laughed and seemed to like them. Especially the crossword book in LARGE PRINT. I'd brought two of my sparkling waters with me to drink and Diane had brought some Buckler's non-alcoholic beer for me too. I did have one, but stuck mostly to the sparkling water. (no calories) But what I noticed about my attitude last night was that when I saw that large bottle of Sky vodka (something I always made my martinis with) and that huge bottle of Kentucky bourbon (something I loved with Coke) I didn't feel anything. Not envy or a craving or anything. It just didn't affect me, this time. Oh, that it was always like that, I'd be so happy! I know I can't count on that happening every time. Sometimes, I'm going to want to drink like everyone else, but I won't. I know I can't drink like everyone else. I know I can't quit once I get started. Oh well, I did have a really great time last night and I'm glad I went. Hope you'all had a great Halloween too. Later.

I just went into the closet.

2006-10-20T06:47:00.000-05:00

Not that one! I went into my storage closet to look for the heater for the bathroom since Winter is here. I think my (packrat) sister told me I should save all the boxes that my appliances came in so I could send them back if they broke or I could use them for Christmas packages. Remember I live in an efficiency and every bit of space is important. So when I went searching for the heater I found boxes for: speakers, phone, fan, humidifier, air filter, food processor and vcr. I'm tossing them all.

All kinds of good news...

2006-10-20T05:57:00.000-05:00

I got my bloodwork back yesterday and saw the Dr. Looks like my numbers are good enough that I don't have to go back on the HIV drugs at this time. Yippe! I have, as of 10 minutes ago, started on Lipitor for my waaay toooo high cholesterol. That's OK. I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to make it to 60 or 70. OK. Or 80.

I'm having dental problems which is something I always drank over, before. I was (am) so scared of the dentist that I never went because I was always drunk by the time my appointment was due. Every time. For years and years. When I finally got sober, I told myself that I could face anything, even the dentist. Everytime I now have an appointment I have to remind myself that I'm sober now and I don't have any excuses about why I can't go. I just bite the bullet (though not very hard) and go to the appointment. It's like going to the gym, not that I go but, it's the same feeling of accomplishment of doing something that's good for yourself.

Serenity Practice: Courage...

Program Principle: Pray for the courage to change the things you can.

If you are not living on the edge, you take up too much room."

Native American saying

Serenity Practice: Procrastination..
.
Program Principle: Do the unpleasant or unattractive first and get it out of your way.

"Procrastination is best put off until tomorrow."

Unknown author

Jack C.
The Serenity Project
jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

Kinky

2006-10-17T07:01:00.000-05:00

Read the previous post to see why this is here.

I was going to work early this morning but,

2006-10-17T06:36:00.000-05:00

it's too foggy to even think about getting on Memorial with all those idiots that drive faster rather than slower when the weather gets bad. I'll wait for daylight.

I was just sitting here sipping my coffee when dance fever started. Either someone upstairs was practicing their dance steps or there was a fight going on. I heard the siren and thought, no, really. Suddenly the siren stopped just outside the front gate and there were the cops. Upstairs guy was out front talking to them. Hopefully he called them. I wouldn't have. I've been up since 5 am. so it wasn't waking me. I went to work for four hours yesterday and started to feel bad again and came home after buying some really good non-alcoholic cough medicine. Jeeze. Just one capful and no coughing for four hours. Seldom do you find something that works that good, right away.

Well, Houston City Council is getting ready to step on more of my smoker's rights. No surprise. I wish they'd concentrate more on clean air issues like big business instead of the poor people who can't fight city hall. I did email all of them with my wishes (what the heck) and asked if they drove SUV's and said there should be a law against them if they don't get good gas mileage and pollute the air I breath while I'm smoking. Maybe they'll see the irony.

Today I'm going to start taking half my usual dose of BP medicine. By Thursday, when I go to the Dr.'s I should know if that's working or not. I was supposed to go to this great, big, fabulous Fantasy Ball on Friday. I used to go all the time when I drank. I expected to go and stay for just an hour or so. That seems to be my limit to be around people who's main goal is to get plastered. It doesn't seem to bother me anymore that I don't drink but watching people get sloppy is not a pretty sight unless you happen to be doing it too. Ah well. No big deal. I've decided not to go because I'm still not feeling up to par. I was going to have a great costume though. I was going as Kinky Friedman. I can't think of a scarier costume in the whole wide world. (or person)

Sorry guys. I know it's been a while....

2006-10-15T00:57:00.000-05:00

I've been busy. Who hasn't been? Sometimes it's just hard to balance everything. I'm just coming out of a 4 day funk which started on Tuesday night with a little sore throat. Wednesday at 9am the fever hit and by noon it was up to 103.2 Not a pleasant day. I was having trouble catching my breath but I wasn't congested at all. No cough or sign of a cold. Weird. Called the clinic and got an appt. for the next day at 4 pm and at 3 pm. my temperature dropped to 99. I still went, they still gave me an antibiotic and by 5 pm my temp was back up to 102.2 Had another miserable night and woke up with a temp of 100 which by this point made me happy. Had another not so good night and woke up this morning feeling almost normal. Well, normal temperature, I mean. I'm still week and shaky and I'm still not very hungry but I know I don't have any water weight on me at the moment. So because of all of those erratic sleep cycles I spent most of today napping and now I can't sleep. Figures.

A few moments ago, when I was in bed trying to sleep, I said the Serenity prayer. I've been building up a resentment. Actually, I think this one has been going on for about 25 years. Family stuff. We all get along really well when were together, which is about once a year. It's when we're apart that my resentment starts to build. My mom and her boyfriend left for Washington, D.C. for a little trip and didn't know when they'd be back. They left on Tuesday. This morning I tried her house...no answer and her beau's cell phone...no answer so I left messages at both to call me. Did it again this afternoon. This evening called my brother..no answer and called my sister...no answer and left the same message wondering if anyone had talked to mommie dearest. No return calls yet and not likely to be tonight. I checked the weather station and Pennsylvania is still on the map so maybe one of them will call tomorrow. They almost never return my calls. They always say they meant to call but forgot. They don't ever just call to see how I am. If I didn't call them, they probably wouldn't notice. Kind of sad. They say they love me and I know I love them...their just so busy. Like I'm not? Ah well. I feel better for putting it down here at least. Guess I won't write them that nasty letter after all. I don't want to burn any bridges. I just want to be included in the family now that I'm sober, even if I am 1000 miles away. It shouldn't be too much to ask. Then again. Norris once told me I can't make people think what I want them to and I guess I'll just have to live with it. NIght. I promise I'll write more often.

An Unusual Quote from The Serenity Prayer

2006-09-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

Serenity Builder: Growth..

Program Principle: Progress not perfection...

“When you're green, you're growing. When you're ripe, you rot."
Ray Kroc, American businessman. Founder of McDonald's. (1902-1984)

Jack C.
The Serenity Project
jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

The truth about beauty.

2006-09-20T07:29:00.000-05:00

"People are a lot like stained glass windows -- the full and true beauty can only be seen when there is abundant light shining from within, and when the viewer is standing back enough to take in the whole view, the big picture, what the 'artist' actually had in mind. Up too close, with a critical eye, you see only the imperfections in the glass. Standing back, taking everything in, you see the stunning artistry of the Maker's intended message. Also, and not coincidentally, the darker the night on the outside (in the form of the world's chaos, conflicts, death, fear, and struggles), the brighter and more beautifully the windows show up." -- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

We can be so hard on ourselves regarding our self-image and surface appearance - are we beautiful enough, sexy enough, slender enough, smart enough, strong enough, successful enough? It can be exhausting, how harshly we measure ourselves, when underneath it all God made us equally precious (and yet unique) masterpieces. This becomes most visible to others when we remember the truth of it, allowing our inner light to shine, and when the darkness of the world surrounds us, challenging us to "effulge," if you remember that word from a few weeks ago. In the ordinary light of an ordinary day, where we often tend to go unconscious, we rarely truly see each other and often miss the point of life entirely. So, what does this naturally suggest? Maybe it means that the key to life is "to shine forth most brightly, to radiate, or to beam" (the actual dictionary meaning of the word, "effulge"), consciously and proactively, from your depths, and to find the world's most bitter darkness that waits just for you in which to brighten and cheer things up with your own unique light and the very personal message that God gave you to share. He came here to teach us that - to let our light shine into the darkness of the world - but first we must find it, find Him, within ourselves, amidst our self-doubt and self-hate, and turn it on.

This is from a friend of mine. Just thought I'd share. Nice idea.

Just a quickie.....post, I mean.

2006-09-20T06:52:00.000-05:00

Our friend dAAve lives right across the street from my laundromat. I saw him getting out of his car yesterday as I pulled into the parking lot and I honked and waved. He waved back and then yelled my name as I got out of the car. I went over to say Hi and he starts over with this handsome, young black guy in tow. Turns out it's the famous Hayden. I suppose dAAve posted a pic somewhere or described him but I didn't seem to remember him ever saying that Hayden was sooo young and attractive. Well, gee. If dAAve can find a man so attractive at his age maybe there's hope for me. I think dAAve and I are nearly the same age. Well, I can dream. Hayden seemed quite nice and I'm glad I finally got to meet him.

2006-09-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

Serenity Builder: Optimism...

Program Principle: Optimism is its own reward.
“The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity."
Winston Churchill, English prime minister, (1874-1965)

Jack C.
The Serenity Project
jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

EGGS

2006-09-13T21:46:00.000-05:00

I love eggs. I crave them usually around 9:30 pm most evenings. I love quiche, eggs &bacon, eggs & ham, eggs & waffles, pancakes, you name it. I can't explain it and my cholesterol level is almost off the scale. Go figure. Do you know that most eggs contain 270 mg. of cholesterol? A good diet is supposed to have under 100 mg. a day, I think. Frittata's...Oh, they're so good. I just got that great cast iron pan for those.... oh darn. I'll never eat eggs again. Vol. 1 Look for it.

Angst!

2006-09-13T18:45:00.000-05:00

I had a good day today, up to a point. I got a lot of work done and am now able to see most of my desk for the first time in months. I came up with a new way to save information on the scanner and everything was going just fine. Then I drove over to the storage space with a huge load of boxes in my car and found out that we were late on our payment and I couldn't get in until it was paid. I was pissed for a moment and then thought what can I do? I called the office and found out the mail hadn't gone out yet and the payment was in it. I asked them to hold it, went back to the office and picked it up. Went back to the unit and paid the bill and drove through the gates and up to our space, unlocked the car and went to unlock the unit and that's when I found out the key wasn't on my key ring anymore. I know after going to 3 places and having two sets of key made (that didn't work) and then going to a real locksmith and having the keys made with the lock there....that I had put the damn key on my keyring. But, it was gone now. Luckily I had made one extra key....just in case I lost my keys, which has happened before. So, I went back to the office and got the extra key and back to the unit and finally got the boxes stored. Through out this experience I was thinking about how this would have previously given me a reason to drink. Not this time, or so I thought. I then proceeded to drive downtown to do one more errand for the boss. Upon finding the company and parking and going inside, I then found out that the boss had ordered 5 stamps and given me a check for just one. So typical of the communication problems plaguing our company. They, of course, wouldn't give me the one stamp...I had to pay for all 5. So, I left them there and as I got in the car I thought, this is enough to drive me to drink. And then I realized I was just a few blocks from Spec's. This is one of the largest liquor warehouses in Houston. Maybe Texas. A great place to shop if your not an alcoholic. Strike that. A great place to shop if you are an alcoholic! They have great food, munchies, snacks, every kind of liquor you've ever thought of and probably a few more you haven't. I think they have beer too. I know they have wine and fine cigars. Who could ask for anything more? Certainly not me. I did my HALT thing. Told myself I didn't need to drink to relax. Came home and ate two popsicles and took a nap and now I've gone to the grocery store and I'm cooking dinner and there is no way I'm drinking tonight!! AA keeps working for me.

You can tell I'm bored.....

2006-09-13T05:03:00.000-05:00

I just dated my spices. Read an article on the Sunday paper about McCormick offering to date your spices. It said that any McCormick brand spices in tins were at least 15 years old. I checked. I don't have any of those but I do have a lot of Kroger tins. However, my McCormick spices are aged as follows: Season All 1999, Oregano Leaves 1996, Tarragon Leaves 1997 and Ground Coriander Seed 2003. They recommend you crush your spices in your hand and if they don't smell strong...toss them. I wonder of we'd get in trouble if we were caught doing that at the store?

On Friday I asked my boss how the new lease

2006-09-10T07:49:00.000-05:00

Business was going. He said we're still in negotiations, but once they sign, things should move quickly. So, I asked, my new office, when? He said November. I said, "Well at least it's still this year." So, all I have to do is be patient. Patience is a virtue. I never had any patience when I was drinking. It was always all about me, right now! I lived my life by timing everything so that I didn't have to wait. Yesterday, on my way home from work, I got to the train tracks just as the bar came down. Did I bitch and moan and fume like I used to? No, I just went Oh well, and pulled out a book and started reading. I never even thought twice about it until I started writing this post. I'm constantly amazed and grateful for the changes in my life and to me since I got my life back on track and stopped drinking it away. I owe all of you bloggers a great big THANK YOU for your constant support and comments. I do appreciate it. Peace.

I've been thinking about this post for about 3 months now...

2006-09-06T18:50:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to hate my job. I know that's a big change from the previous posts about how lucky I am to have this job. I'm still lucky to have this job. I'm still grateful for all that's come my way since I got sober. Can I be grateful and still hate my job...Maybe so. About 3 weeks ago I lost my "private" office and now share with a nice woman. She's fine. I don't really have any problems with her. It's just that now I don't have any me space. I almost feel like I've been demoted. If I want to have a private conversation with someone I think we have to go to the men's or women's bathroom. Haven't tried that yet. My boss said this would be temporary, just until October, when I'd get my own office (with a window, no less) and a large file room for all my files. Sounds good but, "reality check", it could change in an instant. Nothing's written down. There are no guarantees. I know how things work at my job. I've been there for a little more than a whole year. Way longer than anyone else I work with. I'm now work completely with women. I really am not just one of the girls! And the noise level is just not something I can deal with. I can't shut my door and what the heck there's no point. I have to go to another office to do my sorting work because the new girl has the other desk. If I have a question, I have to leave the other office and go down to my old office to look it up on the computer. How's that for efficiency? Not.

In the first 3 days I just thought I'd get used to sharing my space and then in the next week I realized that wasn't going to work for me. In the third week I decided just to cut back on my hours and leave when I just couldn't concentrate anymore. My job is a lot about sorting and filing and now, scanning information into the computer. If it's wrong, out of order, no one can find the info they need. They had a few temps to do that before and they fucked it up and they're excited about having it done right, at last. I can do this but I need some quiet time to sort it all out. Right now I go into my office and I can hear the nice lady behind me and the the two girls across the hall and the two girls in the office next door. If I go up to my other office I get to hear the two girls who are in there plus the woman across the hall who does dispatch. Lord, give me a reason to go on!

I can get by on just 19 hours a week. I was working 35 or more, before. I'm supposed to be part-time. At least that's how I started out. I asked for help, another person to help me part-time and I got a raise instead. It's not what I asked for but I'm still grateful none the less. I don't really know what I'm going to do. I keep thinking I should be more grateful and yet I think they should be more grateful. Lord knows, they're getting a lot for their $10 bucks an hour. It's not really about the money. It's about feeling like I belong and I'm truly appreciated and that I will have my own office with a work space that's suited to what I have to do. So far, no one has asked me what I need or told me it's a possibility. As usual, communication is not something our company is know for.

I may send this to my boss. Probably won't. I want to come at him with a positive attitude. I don't ever want to be known as a complainer. I try to keep everybody's spirit's up and try to give them a reason to keep a positive attitude. No reason why I shouldn't feel the same...is there?

Best Laid Plans

2006-09-03T10:27:00.000-05:00

Oh well. I guess what the host meant was that she didn't drink much anymore. Everybody else at that party (except for me and a few really young girls) drank a lot of wine. It was OK though. I was offered a glass as soon as I walked in but I told the guy I was more of a soda drinker. He said he didn't know where that was kept. I found some water in the fridge and I was fine. This was a party of lawyers, bankers, college students, housewives and at least one psychologist. All straight, supposedly but I sort of doubt it. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. Anyway, we stayed, ate and introduced ourselves and chatted with people I'll probably never see again. Two couples I met though, live just down the street from me. It's a small world after all. (your supposed to sing that part) Well, I'm off to the store for supplies that I can cook on the grill. Later all.

Sorry Scott.

2006-09-02T18:43:00.000-05:00

I'm off to a 60th birthday party for a client of one of my friend's. It's a Gumbo party and I'm looking forward to it because I'm hungry and supposedly most of the people there don't drink. Other than Lambda, I can't think of anywhere I've been that people don't drink alcohol. I'm listening to Renee Olstead on Yahoo music. Guess I'm past the stage where I play disco while I get ready to go out. Ha. I promise to post more often Scott.

Max and I just walked up to the store.

2006-08-25T18:27:00.000-05:00

He met a nice lady waiting for the bus and we visited for a few moments. I tied him up outside like I always do and went inside to get cigs. While I was paying for them I heard that woman screaming and went outside to find two big dogs attacking mine. Max was still tied up and the guy who owned the dogs (looking to be at least 70) said they just got away from him. I was yanking on their leashes and trying to get them away from Max and screaming at the mother-fucking asshole (JJ you'd be proud) to get them away from my dog. He reined them in and headed around the corner and I told him I knew where he lived and if there's any vet bills for my dog, he was getting them! He actually lives right behind the store. I know him. Well, not his name but I know my dog hates his dogs and vice versa. I always give them a wide berth when I encounter them on our morning walks. He and his partner often walk by our yard and Max goes crazy. I just realized, I never walk Max by their yard. Why do they insist on going by mine? There are many other streets they could take...are they just egging Max on? I don't like it. Not a lot I can do about it. Max seems to be OK. He is a tough doggie. We're both much tougher that we look. Don't you know?

Someone wrote in a card yesterday

2006-08-22T06:33:00.000-05:00

So you've finally hit the speed limit. I turned 55 yesterday. It was a nice day, low key, balloons at work with a small cookie cake. No fuss, no muss. We cut it, each got a piece and everybody went back to work. Are we brainwashed or what? Went to dinner with some good friends and had a really nice time. Good food too. My brother, my mother and my friend Carlo all called and left birthday messages and really bad singing. It's funny. Last night at dinner everybody talked about retiring. Everyone is looking forward to it, except for me. I've already done it once and if I have my way and my health, I'll work till the bitter end.

This from my sister via a friend in Pittsburgh.

2006-08-13T06:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I passed this email to Mom, and she said, well, this email is for Larry (and his company)..It took me a minute, but then I realized she is right....PS to Bob: Larry's company specializes in (sanitized version) "sludge." Essentially, they turn shit into shinola - not a bad trick!!

Hi, Jewel You know my fascination with language. I came across the following learn-ed discourse and just had to pass it on.

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, s-h-i-t -- SHIT! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, the word shit is the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Aw shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!

(Ya knowâ€¦I have listened to a bunch of George Carlin in my day, and tho I never heard the above from him, it sure sounds like his humor, his drift on and use of our language, as well as his cadence when deliverying his routineâ€¦whadayathink?)

me in pgh

I think it was the dead & dried out scorpion behind the microwave that really did it for me.

2006-08-06T17:23:00.000-05:00

That's really when I started to think maybe we came to the wrong place. I took pics and I'll load them as soon as I get home but let's just say the brochure might have exaggerated the pros instead of the cons of our weekend cabin getaway. I swear, it's so dry at Canyon Lake that just one match in the wrong hands and everything would go up in flames. What with all those Mesquite trees everywhere it would be one hell of a barbecue! As Jewel and I sat sweating in our little cabin that really wasn't any bigger than my one room apartment. Where the AC had been on, full blast, all day long, she said do you really want to stay here another two nights? I'd never even thought we had any other options and said so. We looked on the net and found a lovely Holiday Inn with a pool in New Braunfels. That's where we are now and boy Howdy, this is one well air conditioned room. I'm glad we came and after a day of shopping (I got a nice little cast iron pan) and sightseeing in Gruene, were going to go take a dip in the pool. Tomorrow, weather permitting, we'll go over to the city tube shoot and do some tubing. It shouldn't be nearly as crowded as it was today. Then we'll do a little shopping and some eating get another good night's rest and head back home on Tuesday morning. My car looks like I've been climbing mountains in it. We sort of have. So all is good. I haven't even been tempted to drink. That's a blessing. Later all. L.

Went to get my results from the doctor yesterday.

2006-08-02T06:24:00.000-05:00

Not a lot of good news but it could be much worse. At any rate, I have another two months to get my cholesterol and my viral load back down. Otherwise it's back on the drugs. I explained to my doctor that I wasn't ready to go right back on them. That I'm the kind of person who has to think about it first, look up the probable side effects and then decide what I'm going to do. I'm not the kind of patient who just says, "Yes doctor. I'll do whatever you tell me to do." I wouldn't still be alive if I'd said that 20 years ago. I thought I was OK with his diagnosis but when I was telling a friend about it, he asked if that meant I was going back on the drugs and I started explaining and getting angrier and louder until I realized what was coming out of my mouth. Ok. Good thing I see my therapist today. This is just the kind of thing I was worried about when I started thinking about going full time at work. There are no guarantees in life but at least I have an idea of where my problems might come from. I had a little good news yesterday. Seems my liver and it's functions are completely normal. That's great considering what that poor organ has been through. Hepatitis, alcohol, drugs, HIV drugs and of course...age. Always look on the bright side. Sunny side of the street. Good ship lollipop, etc. Oh. I did think about drinking yesterday. The news was upsetting enough that it just came into my head that it was a really good reason to drink. Like I need a reason! My head does that sometimes but not nearly as often as it used to. That's something to be grateful for and I just used HALT to wipe out the thoughts. A nap, a good meal and I never thought about it again. Peace guys.

Have you heard about this?

2006-07-30T05:35:00.000-05:00

http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/theusvsjohnlennon/

Bungi Jumping?

2006-07-26T02:39:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm right on the edge of a bridge, about to jump off and I've no idea if it's safe to jump or not. I got the raise I asked for. The CFO said we need to sit down and talk about some issues. I said fine...whenever he wants. I'm not worried about it. But today, while I was shredding some documents, I came upon some proposals that change everything. Seems we're going to expand some more. We just bought out 6 other company's last year and it looks like we're going to do it again. I realize now that I'm in a very good position to jump back on the corporate band wagon, if I want. I could consider myself one of the luckiest Record Managers alive. It's not often you get to start out with the company instead of coming in and seeing what kind of record keeping was done before you got there and having to clean up the mess. It's a Records management dream and I'm the star.

So, now what do I do? I have a good head for this kind of work but I'm not accredited. I don't have a college degree, heck, I only have 1.5 semesters of college and that was in Elementary Education. Will their insurance be all I need it to be? I have my HIV status to think of and I'll be 55 next month and supposedly only have 10 good working years left in me. Ha. The CFO offered me a decent salary in an offhand kind of way and to be honest I'm not sure that's what I need. I'm not sure what I really want to do. I'm not sure I want to give up this life style I'm now living. Yes, I could get a real apartment with more than one room and I could have the "expensive" HD cable. But, there's really nothing else I'd change. I don't know, I don't know. I do know I can't sleep from thinking about all of this. Well, I'm not going to decide tonight. Yawn. Maybe now I can sleep.

Ok. I slept. When I woke up I thought: a digital camera, new shirts that I can button up to the neck so I can wear a tie, tinted windows for the car and mud flaps. That's all I'd change if I took the job. Oh well, off to work I go.

2006-07-22T04:21:00.000-05:00

I've been collecting these over the last couple weeks. Just thought I'd share.
They're all from:
Jack C.
The Serenity Project
jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com

Serenity Blocker: Envy
Program Principle: Acceptance leads to serenity; envy to ongoing dissatisfaction and dis-ease.
"If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang."
Charley Reese, Contemporary American journalist

Serenity Practice: Kindness...
Program Principle: Be ye kind.
“He who distributes the milk of human kindness, cannot help but spill a little on himself.”
J.M, Barrie, Scottish novelist and dramatist, best remembered for inventing the character of Peter Pan (1860-1937)

Serenity Practice: Praise...
Program Principle: Praise builds, criticism tears down. Would you like to be a builder or a wrecking ball?
“Appreciative words are the most powerful force for good on earth!”
George W. Crane, American publisher (1843-1913)

Serenity Practice: Selflessness
Program Principle: We find peace by living for others, not for own edification.
“Real education should educate us out of self into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity.”
Nancy Witcher Astor, first woman to serve as a member of the British House of Commons. (1879 - 1964)

Serenity Practice: Surrender...
Program Principle: Some of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
"Life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."
Maya Angelou, contemporary American poet.

Serenity Practice: Giving...
Program Principle: Generosity is an unfailing sign of spirituality.
“Think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege."
John D. Rockefeller Jr., American philanthropist, son of the founder of Standard Oil. (1874-1960)

Serenity Practice: Humor...
Program Principle: The key to sanity is a good sense of humor.
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road."
Henry Ward Beecher, American Congregationalist clergyman and reformer. (1813-1887)

Serenity Practice: Vision...
Program Principle: The program constitutes a new vision for life. Sometimes the vision is clear, sometimes not.
“I'm a peripheral visionary."
Steven Wright, contemporary American comedian

Serenity Builder: Our positive attitude...
Program Promise: Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change...
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher. (55 - 135)

They asked me and I delivered.

2006-07-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

The CEO and the CFO showed up in my office last week and asked me to research and recommend a multi-functional color copier/fax/printer/scanner with email capabilities, etc. Heck I'd never even heard of one before. So, got on the internet and called a few companies, went out to their offices and saw a few demos and picked Ikon Office Solutions because their copier could fold paper. Got a price, gave it to the CFO who signed it today and we'll get the thing next week sometime. It will be really great once it's up and running and all the computer issues are worked out. They made me the administrator for the darn thing. So this morning I emailed the CFO and asked him what my job title is. Am I the Office Manager or Records Manager or the Office/Records Manager? I also told him I'd like another raise of $1.00 and that I want a flat screen monitor for my computer, just like everyone else has and I want business cards too. He said we'll talk about it on Monday but he didn't really see why there would be a problem. I think most of the people there make at least $10 and hour so what I'm asking for isn't unreasonable. It doesn't really matter to me either way. I'd never quit over $1.00 But you never know what will happen if you don't ask. And I do want to know what my title really is. I was hired as a file clerk and we've never changed my title. I'm way more that a file clerk and they know it! It's wonderful to work for a company who really appreciates what you do for them. I often hear "thank you" and "good job, Larry". That's something that not a lot of people hear on a regular basis at their jobs. I'm very grateful and I believe I owe it all to being sober. I don't think I'd be able to handle this job if I was still escaping by drinking. I'm one lucky guy.

I'm turning into my father....

2006-07-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

What do they say? The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. I was just sitting here thinking about the trip Jewel and I are going on in a few weeks. We're going to Canyon Lake and we'll have a little cabin with a coffee pot, AC, a couple beds, a microwave and no stove. There's a picnic table and barbecue pit out front just off the porch. I have a list going of stuff to take but it's mostly cooking supplies and food. Guess what I'm going to do on this trip? I'll get up early in the morning, start the coffee and start up the grill so I can make a great, outdoorsy breakfast for Jewel when she gets up. Lunch will no doubt be a sandwich etc., and then dinner will be what ever we caught in the lake or we could go out to eat or I could shoot a cow. We'll just have to play it by ear. But for me, it's all about the cooking. Just like dad. He was the first guy I ever saw who enjoyed and took pride in his cooking. I always felt it was OK for me to enjoy it too. It's one of the things I was most worried about losing when I got sober. I used to love drinking and cooking. It didn't take long for me to realize that I still love to cook even without the drinking. It's too bad I don't live with anyone who can appreciate my successes in the kitchen. Thank Heaven I have Max and the neighbors. They all eat really well.

All the pictures I've ever seen of dad in his last years, on vacation with the family are all taken in the kitchen. Mom says he never went to the beach with the family. He stayed in the cottage and cooked...OK and drank, but mainly he cooked. I hope we all remembered to thank him and praise him for his hard work. He deserved it.

I love this one.

2006-07-12T04:12:00.000-05:00

Serenity Practice: Vision...

Program Principle: The program constitutes a new vision for life. Sometimes the vision is clear, sometimes not.

“I'm a peripheral visionary."
Steven Wright, contemporary American comedian.

Jack C.
The Serenity Project
jack@thecompleteserenityprayer.com
http://www.thecompleteserenityprayer.com

After last night's calm, relaxed, nothing new

2006-07-12T03:28:00.000-05:00

post last night I went to bed at 10:45. I just woke up like I've been doing a lot lately at 3 am.. I know what's happening and even though I can see it coming I don't feel like I'm coping as well as I should. What am I talking about? I'm returning to my workaloholic life and it scares me. When I woke up I was dreaming or thinking about work. About all I have to do today. About all I want to do in the future. About all I think I need to do now. I did the same thing yesterday morning. Maybe part of it is being afraid to have so much free time on my hands. That used to drive me to drinking over and over. My life is very full right now. I'm always working. Reading. Visiting friends. Watching videos. Surfing the web. And of course, there's always cooking, cleaning and laundry to do. Somehow it's been a very well balanced kind of life, to date. I don't want to lose that. It took me a long time to be comfortable with myself. Drinking was always the perfect escape for too much time on my hands. Ah well, maybe I'm worried but by acknowledging that I am and thinking about why, means I won't let it sneak up on me and do what I can to make sure I don't revert to my old coping ways. I guess being aware and blogging and seeing my therapist are all good ways to do that. Don't you think?

On a lighter note. My brother turned me on to a list of concerts to watch. This is something I have never done on DVD. So I got the first one in the mail and thought, "I'll never watch this." Well, the other morning (around 3:00 am) I started watching The Last Great Traffic Jam: Traffic Live in Concert. This DVD pay tribute to the late Jim Capaldi, who died 6 months before it's release. It includes 10 shows with the members of the Grateful Dead and Jerry Garcia (who is dead too, as if you didn't know). Yesterday morning I heard "Low Spark". I'm actually enjoying this and do look forward to the next one. These DVD's are perfect to watch and listen to while blogging or doing the dishes. I'll let you know what comes next.

Discography
Mr. Fantasy (first U.S. pressing issued with title Heaven Is In Your Mind) – 1967
Traffic – 1968
Last Exit (side 2 live at The Fillmore West) – 1969
Best of Traffic (compilation) – 1969
John Barleycorn Must Die – 1970
Welcome to the Canteen (live) – 1971
The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys – 1971
Shoot Out at the Fantasy Factory – 1973
On The Road (live on tour in Germany) – 1973
When the Eagle Flies – 1974
Heavy Traffic (compilation) – 1975
More Heavy Traffic (compilation) – 1975
Smiling Phases (compilation) – 1991
Far From Home (Winwood/Capaldi) – 1994
Heaven Is in Your Mind (compilation) – 1998
Traffic Gold (compilation) – 2005

I'm leaving town again.

2006-07-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

My foster sister, Jewel and I are going to Canyon Lake on August 5-8th. We're going to stay at this camp site. We'll get a cabin like the one's pictured here.
We expect to go tubing, hiking and maybe we'll rent a canoe. I seem to remember paddling one while in my teens. With a life jacket, we'll be fine. It's just a chance to get out of town and get back (not too far back) to nature. The kitchen doesn't have a stove but there's a Bar-b-que pit out front. Should be fun. I've been working 8 and 9 hour days lately. We got 4 new employees and all their stuff yesterday. They all seem nice and I'm sure we'll get along. I'm now working on a minimum of 5 projects for the company. It's nice to be needed...but I have to remember it's not supposed to be a full time job. I'm hoping in the next few months to complete a few of these projects and to give some of them to someone else to complete. We'll just have to wait and see. Other than that, nothing really new. Still sober. Still glad I am.

2006-07-05T17:23:00.000-05:00

One of my friends just suggested that maybe Ken wasn't really dead, but in hiding. He said rich people have a way of disappearing sometimes. I never thought of it. I hope someone reliable is checking the DNA. Hope you all had a great 4th. I really enjoyed the fireworks this year. Took Max and walked over to a friend's house and watched from his porch. My little car that isn't even 2 months old just turned over 5,000 miles on the odometer. Guess if I ever sell it I'll not be able to claim low mileage. Oh well, I've been starting to save up more time at work and will probably be able to take some more vacation time by next month. I'm thinking about a road trip to Lake Buchanan or Lake LBJ. We'll see. Later all. L.

The guys were really surprised

2006-06-26T03:13:00.000-05:00

Chris and I at Brazil
Watermellon
Great Display
Honey Dew
at just how much fun we had at the Expo yesterday. Here are the few pics we took. We ate from 10:30 till 2:00 pm.

So much for the parade.

2006-06-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

I got to the restaurant at exactly 8:12 pm....we were supposed to be there at 8:15. Everyone else showed up at 8:30. I secured a nice 6 seat table by the windows so we could see the parade while eating. We were all having a good time. I was having a Holy Virgin Mary and everybody else was drinking beer and liquor. Then I went down for a cigarette outside and ran into Jim and Jonathan who were blitzed and I got a good whiff of bourbon from their breath. I went back upstairs thinking that I hoped they wouldn't continue to drink (like that wasn't going to happen) and that they wouldn't fall down and hurt themselves or get mugged by anybody. I sat back down at the table and suddenly I was angry that I couldn't be drinking and having fun like they were.(not) Then I started to panic and then I just felt like I had to escape and so I handed my camera to Chris and asked him to get some good pics and then turned to everyone else (almost in tears) and said I can't be around this much alcohol right now and good night. Walked quickly home and called both Chris and Ken and told them how I was feeling and that that's why I left. They said they understand and maybe they do but until you live it you never really can know what it's like. I'm OK now and looking forward to coffee in the morning with Chris and Jewel and then the Food Expo. I'm OK. Sometimes you can't fight and just have to run. It's not a bad thing.

Just reading JJ's blog

2006-06-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

the post about "Why am I putting myself through this?" I'm proud of her for trying some new things. It's too easy to stay at home and be safe from new experiences. Drinking is a great way to never do anything new. It used to work for me. Now-a-days I make plans to do things with other people and I show up. I used to cancel or just not go....glug, glug, glug. Ah life is so different now. I'm glad. I've got a bit planned for this weekend. On Saturday I'm meeting some friends at Katz's for an early dinner and then we're going to watch the Gay Pride Parade. Then Sunday morning my friends Chris and Jewel and I are going to the SW Food Expo at the George R. Brown Convention Center. Just think...1000 booths of people trying to get you to taste their foods. We're not eating breakfast and I'm going to wear pants with an elastic waste! We're going to graze through there. Maybe I'll pack some Alka-Seltzer.

Was just thinking about my trip

2006-06-20T07:34:00.000-05:00

and thought I'd share one of my experiences. I called my friend Bellotti up and we agreed that I'd come for a visit on Tuesday at 2 pm. He said to come hungry as they were going to cook for my benefit. I drove the 18 miles to his place and arrived at 1:50 pm. No one home. Waited, patiently, till 2:20 pm and then started for home. Wasn't mad at all...like I would have been before I quit drinking. I called several times on the way home, hoping they'd arrive and if I wasn't more than half way to home I would have turned around. No go. Yesterday, I got an email from them but with no mention of the incident or lack there of. I emailed them back and asked why they haven't phoned or emailed me with at least a partial explanation of why I was stood up. I'm still not mad or hurt and I hope nothing bad happened to them and that's why they haven't gotten in touch. At least now it's not all about me but more about them. Ha. I hope I do hear from them soon. Well, gotta go to work and stop the panic. It's so nice to be missed.

It's Great to be Back, but.......

2006-06-19T19:40:00.000-05:00

I got back today at 2:30 pm and at 3:30 my boss called and said he really needed me to come in tomorrow and do some things for him. He was under the impression that I'd been back for a few days and had just taken today off. I explained I'd just got here and wasn't due to come back to work till a week from today. I told him I'd be there tomorrow and take care of whatever he needed. I haven't unpacked completely yet as after I got home I went to sleep for a few hours, then went and got groceries and I'm still putting stuff away. I'm beat and I hope I sleep well tonight and get up feeling like tackling the day. Guess I'm really back! Max really missed me and I just found out he's been spoiled while I was away. Two full meals a day with people food. Now I have to get him (and me) used to eating like we did before I went on vacation. I'm hoping to start a tri-weekly walking program. We'll see how that goes but if I go early enough in the morning I should be OK. More later or as soon as life returns to normal. Ha.

Just one more day to go....

2006-06-17T04:10:00.000-05:00

My little car will be due for an oil change when I get back. I'll have well over 4,000 miles on it by then. Just one more day to go...here and then I'm off to Houston and home. I'm ready. I've had a great visit and because of my timing I was able to attend two of my niece's graduations and one of their parties. The last niece doesn't graduate for 7 more years so my butt can take a rest from sitting on bleachers. They aren't anymore comfortable then they were when we were kids. You'd think something would get better with age.

I may be back by Monday night or more likely Tuesday morning. I have a feeling 11 or 12 hours of driving is all I can really do. We'll see. It's 5:20 am and the birds are just starting to sing. I'm at my brother's house. All are asleep. Yesterday, my sister-in-law, Margot and I spent the day together. First we went to Borders and I bought a Jonathan Kellerman novel and then Christoper Rice's newest book. If your not familiar with him, he's Anne Rice's son, gay and a pretty good writer. Then we were going to go to the Pittsburgh Arts Festival but it was getting warmer and because Margot is in the middle of treatment for her cancer we decided not to push it and went to the movies instead. We saw Prairie Home Companion. We laughed a bit and all in all it was pretty good. I think you'd have to be a fan of the show to enjoy the movie. There were so many big name stars in it. It's worth a rental or a matinee. Then we came home, I took my constitutional (nap) and got up and we ate stir fry that my niece Moira made and then we went to get ice cream and then to watch a softball game with the other niece Maeve as pitcher. They lost badly and it was hinted that it was all from too much graduation festivities the previous night. Oops. Just got back from a real cat fight. Had to separate the two kitties who live here. You'd think after 10 or so years they'd get along. Ha. Well, guess I'll go start that book. Can't wait to get back to my old but not really boring life. I see you.

Well, I'm in Bellefonte now.

2006-06-13T09:09:00.000-05:00

That's just outside of Penn State University. I'm visiting my friend Corene and her 8 or 9 cats, 1 dog, 6 chickens and two goats. I'll be here till Thursday morning and then I'm driving back to Butler and then in the afternoon to Pittsburgh for my niece Maeve's graduation and then home again. On Friday morning I go back to Pittsburgh to visit with my brother and his wife until Saturday afternoon when I drive back to Butler and pack and get on the road Sunday morning around 4 or 5 am. Then it's just one day at a time until I get home to Houston. I've only had a few times here where I felt like drinking and I didn't. Yesterday, my Mom had me go up to the bar and get her a beer and then I brought it back (without tasting it) and set on the table with the 3 other beers that were already there for the others at the table. I got a little miffed for a few seconds cause I couldn't join in but then I got over it. I did have to distance myself from all the drinking for a bit until I felt strong again. Didn't take long. I remember how easy it would be to go back to the way I was. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!! I miss my dog and my job. I think I'll be back home Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't have to go to work until the following Monday. I probably will go sooner though...I just know there's a pile of stuff there waiting for me. I can start saving up for my next vacation which will not be in Pennsylvania! This is the only place I ever go and I'd like to go somewhere different for a change. Maybe Florida or New Mexico. Oh well, that's at least 6 months away. Well, I've got to go. I'll let you know when I'm really back. Later.

It would be so easy

2006-06-01T21:36:00.000-05:00

to slip into the abyss. To think that now that I've been sober for almost a year, again, I could handle drinking, moderately, again. I was never a moderate drinker and there's no reason to think I'd be one now! I know better. I've had enough failures to remind me that I really can't drink socially again. There's nothing social about locking yourself in the apartment and not answering the phone while you drink bottle after bottle of liquor! I know better. And so, in one day, I drive off into the sunrise. East, toward my family and all the "stuff" they eek out of me. I'm hoping that I'll somehow not let them drive me to drink. That somehow, I'll see the button pushing for what it is and not succumb to the temptation of drowning it all with a bottle. I think I can do this and we will all have an enjoyable visit. I hope. I know their button pushing is a subconscious thing...that they may not know they're doing it and there's no reason why I have to react. As my sponsor Norris has told me many times...you can't make people think what you want them to. I guess I'll take it all one day at a time.

I'll be using my family's email and the library's pc's to access the internet so I'll be sporadic at best. I just watched the National Spelling BEE and now I feel like I can use big words and not have to look them up. I've never heard of most of those words. Kids are so much smarter than we were, aren't they?

Tomatoes Galore

2006-05-29T08:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Jewel and I took a little field trip out 249 and got off on Louetta and drove a few miles down to a sign that said "Fresh Vegetables". She had scoped it out on her way home from work one day and I was in the mood for a little road trip and some veggies. We drove back this paved driveway, across a cattle guard and on to a gravel drive and across another cattle guard and into this pasture that had a nice older home in the center of it. Pulled up to the garage and their was C.P., the owner of the farm. Nice gentleman, 83 years young and one of the most talkative people I've run into in a long time. I got some great tomatoes and a cucumber and Jewel did too. C.P. is looking forward to June 10th when he'll try to win a prize at a local nursery for the best vegetable basket. He took us in his house and showed us some of his prize 2 lb. Tomatoes. One would be a meal. He took us through his garden and recited the name of each every kind of vegetable he had grown. He's a firm believer in Miracle Gro. We had a nice time and could sure tell the man was hungry for company. If anyone's interested he has a 1986 Lincoln Continental with 40,208 miles on it. It's in perfect condition and he would take $9,000 for it. Too bad I just got a new car. Ha. It was a most enjoyable shopping experience.

And my sister never got to read those emails

2006-05-26T20:42:00.000-05:00

and I just called up her mom and said I wanted to go alone. She was very gracious about it and said everything was fine. Foster sister called and I told her what I did and she agreed that her mom could fly to PA if she wanted to go, anytime. So all ended well and tomorrow I'll drive up after work and we'll all get together for a small Bar-B-Q and celebrate her Mom's 80th birthday in a quiet way. Her Mom says she doesn't want a big, loud party cause it might make the grim reaper notice her. She'll probably outlive us all, smoking the whole time too. Thanks for your input.

Never mind, guys.

2006-05-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

I emailed a friend and asked her opinion and she answered me back and CC'd my foster sister so I had to send the letter I wrote. I left her a couple phone messages and I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I ended up saying that I would just like to go alone on this trip. Thanks for your thoughts.

I don't want it to be all about me!

2006-05-25T02:42:00.000-05:00

I just finished composing a no thank you letter to my foster sister. She called last night and wanted to know if I was willing to take her 80 year old mother with me on my trip to Pennsylvania. As she was asking I could feel myself getting very quiet. I said, yes, probably, but that I'd have to think about it, and then later I realized I was feeling really grumpy. Ha. Here's the letter I composed to her just now at 2:15 am. this morning:

Dear Jewel,
You know I love you and your Mom very much and I'd do almost anything for you but, I really need (want) to do this alone. I've thought of little else but this trip for the last month. Your going to think I'm some kind of hypocrite but I barely smoke in the car now as it is. I'm going to continue (at least for the time being) to limit my smoking while I'm driving. One an hour, if that. (Colletta chain smokes)

It will be nice to do whatever I want to do (God and traffic willing) instead of worrying about the comfort or wishes of someone else for 2.5 days. You know I would, care that is, and if you can believe it, I might need some decompression time from work and then from my own family. Nobody pushes my buttons like they do.

Please don't think me too selfish. Your Mom and I will do something together again soon, but just not this time.

Love you both,
Uncle Larry & Max

I could come up with a multitude of other reasons why I want to go alone. I won't bore you with the details. I really don't want this to be all about me. I need some feedback here, please. I want to do the next right thing and I want to do it today so there's no time for anyone to get the wrong idea. Does that make sense? Please let me know what you would do. I value your opinions. Thanks.

I learned a valuable lesson at work yesterday.

2006-05-24T05:16:00.000-05:00

My boss called me into his office yesterday and asked me if I could help send out manifests for a while or until we hire and train someone else to do it. I said sure and went to see what that meant. It's extremely time consuming and confusing. Lots of if's and's and but's. I stupidly went back to the boss to see if he knew just what the job entailed and that's when he got red and said in a very calm voice that he didn't care what it took...just that it needed to be done. I said OK, no problem and got out of there! He is the nicest guy I've ever worked for. I've never seen him angry and I don't ever want to. He really doesn't know or care how we do our jobs...he just cares that it gets done right and on time. Oh well. The old, drinking Larry would have fretted and obsessed over the whole incident. And yes, I know I'm writing about it, but the fact is I'm not worried about it. I just consider it a learning experience. I've still got a lot to learn.

My friend Ron passed away about 25 years ago.

2006-05-19T08:25:00.000-05:00

A little while ago I took Max for a walk and this happened.

I noticed something about him from a distance. Thought he looked like someone I knew. Couldn't think who. Then I noticed his walk. He was taking small steps with a bit of a nelly flair to them. He reminded me of someone I knew who walked like that. As he got closer I noticed his eyes. He kept staring at me. I looked away and then back and he was still looking at me. I noticed his long black mostache. His small wire rim glassses. I said good morning and he just went on by. I immediately thought of Ron and then thought...reincarnation? My heart's beating fast! I want to run back to the store and talk to him! Maybe he sounds like Ron too. Oh well, I won't. But I'll keep an eye out for him when I go to the store. Maybe he lives in the neighborhood. Creepy, but kind of neat.

Scott suggested I turn off the word verification

2006-05-19T06:54:00.000-05:00

and I can't remember why he thought I wouldn't get spam. Well I'm getting it! Insurance and used cars, so far. Which is why, if you want to leave a comment you'll have to do word verification. Sorry. Evidently someone I don't know is still reading my blog. Ha.

Max and I went to the beach after all today.

2006-05-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

We went to East Beach on Galveston Island and though I've not been there in almost 4 years I was still able to find my way. We parked and Max & I walked down the beach. Max reverted to his old self and proceeded to chase and bite every wave that came into shore. I realized on the way home that if I understood dog speak a little more I might have recognized the whining to mean, "Daddy, I haven't had that much salt water in a long time and I think I'm going to be sick."
Ah well, the car is officially mine as it has sand, hair and hurl in it. Thank Heaven I didn't need to donate any of those things at this time in my life. I was thinking on one of the first days I drove my new car that my usual christening of it would have been to smoke either a cigarette or a joint with a beer between my legs and the using the stick shift. (don't do it dAAve). Now, I don't even want to smoke in the car. The beer isn't going to happen. I must be older, wiser and sober. Life is good.

DAAve took these pics of my car on Friday.

2006-05-14T06:10:00.000-05:00

It was a special day because I finally just said "NO MORE WORK" and left my job at 11:30 am and got to Lambda for the 12:15 meeting. I haven't been to a meeting in months. I missed it but could just never leave (or so I thought). My 20 hour week had turned into a 38 hour week. I've decided not to work full time at this time and so there's no reason why I can't make a few meetings each week. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, I had a nice time, enjoyed the meeting and then 8 or so of us went to lunch at Luby's. I missed the fellowship. The other nice thing about going to lunch with the guys was that I was able to pay for my own lunch. I recently celebrated 1 year at my job (I was the only one who noticed the anniversary) but I still remember what it was like to live on what I was making before I went to work. I'm grateful everyday for the beginnings of becoming financially responsible. It will be a long road! I'm still sending the doctors, hospital, Radiology departments $10 a month. At this rate I'll probably pay them off in about 20 years. I still remember hearing that my financial life would change once I got sober. Heh Heh. I remember wondering when that would happen. It was a little slow at the start. I didn't believe it would ever happen again. Now, I'm not so sure. Buying this car, with the help of a friend, will help reinstate my credit rating for the first time since 1996. That's if I make all the payments on time (just kidding Toni). Other than the meeting on Friday I haven't done much this weekend. I've thought about driving somewhere just because I can. Galveston, Dallas, San Antonio well I haven't been able to decide. Plus, in a couple weeks I'll be driving to PA so I guess I'll just wait till then. I hope this trip goes better than I think it could. I'm just worried that I'll get too tired to drive after just a short while. I've not driven that far alone since 1981. Needless to say, I'm not as young as I once was. I just need to keep telling myself that it's an adventure. I'll try and blog along the way. Don't most library's have internet access? Have a good week.

Got the car.

2006-05-11T04:27:00.000-05:00

It's pretty nice and all of the 11 people I drove around and showed it too, yesterday, agreed. It has a turbo thingy. If your in first or second and your turn off the AC. the car jumps forward about 10 ft. and speeds off. Not complaining. I love the AC!
I was just (as usual) rudley awakened by my upstairs neighbor. At 3:45 am my bed was shaking from the bass upstairs. I really wanted to sleep in this morning. We just had a cold front come through. Of course, upstairs guy has his windows open too. I thought police? Landlord? I've been very patient. But I didn't do either. I just left him a note on his door that said I need his phone number-please. It's so I can phone him when the bass wakes me again. I didn't say anything about the police or the landlord. Let's see if he gets my drift. Have a great day!

After two days of angst and worry I suddenly

2006-05-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

just gave it all up to God. I suddenly remembered that there is nothing I can do but just take what comes my way. I've been worried about the new car and the what if's. Dumb. I know better. It will happen, today at noon as a matter of fact. The fact that the weather report says we'll have large hail at 3 pm. Doesn't mean that my new car is going to get all dented from the hail. What if? What if? Even if it did happen I'd still be lucky enough to have a car with AC! I need to always count my blessings. So here I go.
Today I am grateful for:
A friend who would co-sign a loan for my new car
That I got a 3.9 interest rate on the loan
All the people at work who are so excited for me
That I can afford this new expense without having to go full time
I can drive to Pennsylvania to see my family and stay for two full weeks
That I survived the mugging and all these good things that happened to me afterwards
That I went to sleep last night at 10:20 pm without drinking or drugging just to sleep
And that I can blog again
And that I'm thankful I'm thankful

It's 10 minutes to midnight and I should be asleep.

2006-05-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is the view I get to enjoy on my way to work each day. It was raining and that's why there weren't any joggers along the path on the right.

Of course I've been laying in bed for the past hour trying to get to sleep but it's almost impossible with visions of brightly colored cars dancing in my head! I just finished going through my medicine cabinet looking for a sleep aid but I have none. Now I'm trying Chamomile Mint tea. I wouldn't be awake right now if I was still drinking. I'd have passed out by 10:30 pm at the latest. Just today I thought about my old drinking life. My friend Chris called and asked for a ride to the Laundromat at 3:30 pm. The old Larry would be sleeping off the wine that I would have picked up just after noon when it would be available on a Sunday. Because I wasn't drinking I was able to take him there and pick him up afterwards too. We both acknowledged that my life certainly has changed for the better since I started going to AA. And now some of you are going to say, What? Larry is going to AA??" No, I haven't been going to meetings in months. I'm embarrassed to say this but I saw Bob S. At Hollywood Video one day and couldn't remember his name. It was just after my mugging and so I blamed it on the concussion. Then just one day later I saw tall Don (can't remember his last name now) at the post office and I couldn't remember his name until he'd left. Don't worry DAAve and Scott, I can't forget either of you. I sort of feel like I used to just before I went to a bar or my first AA meetings. For some reason I don't want go in alone. I know that's dumb. I know that if I walk in and I can't remember someone's name I can always call them Baby, Honey, Sweetie, Pal or Buddy or Missy. Maybe no one would notice. Ah, I'm just kidding. Blogging is so good for my soul. I've missed this and all of you. Don't be surprised if you see me at a meeting this week Honey. This tea is good. Night.

Son of a Gun, it worked! I'm back!

2006-05-06T14:02:00.000-05:00

Well, would'nt you know that I just emailed almost everyone with my current status. I'm going to copy it here so I don't have to type it all again. It's good to be back.

I promise to start blogging again just as soon as I figure out how to access my account. I may just have to start a new one titled I'll never drink again, Vol.3 I'll let you know if I do do that. My head is still tender where the scar is and I expect it's going to take at least a year for it to get less noticeable. I got myself a new computer. It's a Dell with 160 GB hard drive, a 19" flat screen and all the accouterments. A wonderful deal for only $349 I'm still seeing my therapist and I've decided not to buy a gun. I really was thinking about it. I've decided, for the time being, not to go full time at work. Maybe I will sometime in the future. I'm just going to keep enjoying my ability to come and go as I please. That's a perk not many people have at their jobs. Last but not least, I've been car shopping. I've pretty much decided to get a Chevy Aveo, 2006, 5 door or hatchback, 5 speed with AC and a CD player. I'm leaning towards the spicy orange color. I believe I can get this car and make the payments without having to go full time at work. Wish me luck. So, if all goes as planned, I should have the car by next Thursday after 5 pm. Then in a couple weeks I'm going to drive it to Pennsylvania to visit my family and stay for at least 2 weeks. I want to go to Penn State and visit my friend Corene for a while. Lot's of plans and soooo little time. So, I'm back on my feet and running. Hope your all well and happy. I'll talk or email you individually sometime soon.

My upstairs neighbor is having a party and

2006-04-06T04:23:00.000-05:00

it's 4:00 am. I guess I'll be a nice guy and not call the cops. Oh well, I can get to work an hour early. What a day yesterday was. I put a proposal before my boss. One in which I told him I wanted to consolidate all of our files into one room (my current office) and would move myself to an adjacent office with a window. Becky and I could share it. Then we all win. We both get a much wanted window and we'll be able to access all our files much more easily. He didn't go for it.

What he said was that two days ago he finalized leasing more space for our group and that he was going to increase the size of several offices and then showed me a floor plan for the new space. Seems I'll be moving to a much larger, windowed office and that just outside of it will be this massive file room. Timing is everything.

He really didn't seem to take Becky's request for a window serious. She was disappointed and who can blame her. I suggested after the meeting that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. She laughed. I hope she gets what she wants, eventually.

Serenity Practice: Reciprocity

Program Principle: We live in a world of reciprocity. We will get as we give and give as we get.

"Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are."

Author Unknown

My friend is trying to get sober.

2006-03-30T07:12:00.000-06:00

Serenity Practice: Freedom from fear...
Program Principle: Giving up fear offers us an opportunity to live free.
"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom."
Marilyn Ferguson, Contemporary writer, author of The Aquarian Conspiracy

He's been talking about doing it for a couple months and I've been supportive and non-threatening. He keeps asking how I did it and it reminds me of just how long it took for me to feel and enjoy being sober. As always, I've offered to go to a meeting with him if he wants. He says he doesn't want to get off work and instead of going home and drinking he'd have to go to a meeting. That's not how he wants to end his day. I just keep my mouth shut. I remember all the times that Norris just didn't say anything (I'm sure he could of) when I would talk about my fears and anger. I'm trying to help him but I won't expect anything from him. It's easy for me to remember all those times I went back out and drank. I'll be there for him...that's all I can do. Gotta get to work!

And last but not least

2006-03-29T07:10:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, after I got home from work, I took a nap. I know I was dreaming but I'm not sure about what. The doorbell rang once, then twice and I woke up and jumped out of bed and put on my pants and opened the door and there was Tim. Tim is one of "those guys" that I used to trick with back when I was drinking and doing drugs. I just now realized that it was over 2 years ago and yet they keep coming back! Was I that good in bed or is it more about how easy it was to get me to buy more drugs and let my stuff be stolen? I don't know how I did it! How could I spend almost every penny I had and still make it till the next paycheck? Anyway, Tim has a great body and he seems to be a pretty nice guy, for a hustler. He said, "Hi Larry. How are you?" I said, "Fine." He said, "Can I come in for a drink of water?" And then standing on my doorstep, I looked at him, then back in my apartment at my computer, TV etc. and then told him, "No, I can't let you in. I'm sorry." Then he went away. I WON'T GO BACK TO THE WAY I WAS!!! I put too damn much work into getting sober to give it all away for some guy who doesn't care about anybody or anything except getting high. It's hard for me to believe that after two years those guys are still out there doing the same old thing. Thankfully, I'm not.

I was talking to Chris yesterday

2006-03-29T07:05:00.000-06:00

He mentioned something about the Mexican kids protesting and how appropriate it was that they were getting punished for skipping school. I was surprised he said this as I know he's marched in Washington protesting the war in Vietnam back in the 60's. I reminded him about that and asked if he didn't skip school to protest here in Houston like I did in Pennsylvania. I only skipped school once to do that cause I was a good boy. After I graduated I marched in several protests in Butler and Pittsburgh. He smiled sheepishly and admitted he had done the same. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the kids today aren't that much different than we were back then.

They've taught us well.

2006-03-29T06:47:00.000-06:00

I went to an art festival this weekend with my foster Mom and Sister. All three of us smoke. Foster Mom smokes like a chimney, lights one right off of another. Lucky for her, her hearing aids don't seem to pick up the comments people make when they smell the smoke. We were there for about 4 hours and in that time I smoked the same cigarette the whole time. A few puffs here a few puffs there. I was embarrassed. I told sis that I almost never smoke in public anymore. Then I lit up after lunch, in the picnic area and watched the woman beside us lift her nose in the air and sniff and sniff and then her head swiveled left and right as she tried to pinpoint where the cigarette smell was coming from. Then she said loudly, "I smell cigarette smoke! Let's move the kids." I put it out. I'll bet she drives a big SUV with dual exhausts that's polluting the atmosphere and doesn't think she's doing anything bad. I'm so mean.

And for some reason this kind of reminds me of the same thing.

2006-03-22T19:13:00.000-06:00

Thought for the Day: "We don't see things as they are.We see things as we are." Anais NinThe Daffodil PrincipleSeveral times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come seethe daffodils before they are over,"I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead."I will come next Tuesday,"I promised, a little reluctantly, on her third call.Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and so I drovethere. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted mygrandchildren, I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn!The road is invisible in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in theworld except you and these children that I want to see bad enough to driveanother inch"My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother.""Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'mheading for home!" I assured her."I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car.""How far will we have to drive?""Just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."After several minutes, I had to ask, "Where are we going? "This isn't theway to the garage!""We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of thedaffodils.""Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around.""It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if youmiss this experience."After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw asmall church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand-lettered sign thatread, "Daffodil Garden." We got out of the car and each took a child's hand,and I followed Carolyn down the path.Then, we turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and gasped. Before melay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a greatvat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes.The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns-great ribbons andswaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and butteryellow. Each different-colored variety was planted as a group so that itswirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There werefive acres of flowers."But who has done this?" I asked Carolyn."It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That'sher home."Carolyn pointed to a well kept A frame house that looked small and modest inthe midst of all that glory.We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to theQuestions I Know You Are Asking" was the headline.The first answer was a simple one. 50,000 bulbs," it read.The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman.Two hands, two feet, and very little brain."The third answer was, "Began in 1958."There it was, The Daffodil Principle. For me, that moment was alife-changing experience.I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty yearsbefore, had begun-one bulb at a time-to bring her vision of beauty and joyto an obscure mountain top. Still, just planting one bulb at a time, yearafter year, had changed the world. This unknown woman had forever changedthe world in which she lived. She had created something of ineffableindescribable) magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principlesof celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires onestep at a time-often just one baby-step at a time - and learning to love thedoing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tinypieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find wecan accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world."It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn."What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goalthirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at atime' through all those years. Just think what I might have been able toachieve!"My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Starttoday," she said.It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to makelearning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to onlyask, "How can I put this to use today?". . . . .(One person at a time!)Author Unknown

Ain't it the truth!

2006-03-22T07:26:00.000-06:00

Serenity Practice: Peace

Program Principle: Peace is an inside job...

“Peace starts within each one of us. When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us.”

Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th and current Dalai Lama.

Serenity Practice: Acceptance

2006-03-17T08:11:00.000-06:00

Program Principle: Our very first challenge is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and other people as they are.

"Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it."
Shakti Gawain, Contemporary American teacher

I try for acceptance in everything I do. It's not always easy. I'm pretty easy going as far as other people are concerned. I'm pretty good with the circumstances of life but I do seem to have trouble with accepting myself as I am. There's always room for improvement. I'm my own worst critic. I'll keep working on it.

I was teasing my boss the other day at lunch

2006-03-15T14:39:00.000-06:00

and asked him when we were going to get some furniture in our reception area. He said he guessed he'd have to get his wife to go to Ikea. I said don't send her, send me. He said OK. He gave me no idea how much he wanted to spend or what kind or color of furniture to get. So I went scouting today and found one couch I really liked for a reasonable price which of course, wasn't in stock. Pick #2 was nice enough and the price was pretty inexpensive and it was comfortable. It's called brown but it's very close to plum and I think it will go nicely in our area. So, back to Ikea with the boss's credit card and the couch and chair will be delivered tomorrow. I decided to wait for the extras, like rug, lamp, end table and maybe coffee table until we see what kind of room is left. He agreed. So then he comes to my office and says he knows he didn't hire me to be the decorator and I said, Hey, I'm gay. I'm supposed to like this kind of stuff. He chuckled and then told me what he wants for the conference room. I said sure, I'll look. Hey it gets me out of the office a bit and I do like to shop while spending someone else's money. A perfect world!

I bought the patch today.

2006-03-08T22:33:00.000-06:00

So tomorrow morning I'm putting it on and I'm really really going to try and quit. I've been noticing for some time now that I'm extremely short of breath. Since I've had pneumonia and bronchitis so many times it just makes sense to go ahead and quit. Please remind me I said all this in about a month. Wish me luck.

We've all known he/she works in mysterious ways.

2006-03-06T19:16:00.000-06:00

I haven't been to a meeting in quite a while. I'm not really feeling guilty. I've just been busy but I always knew that if I needed one there were many available even though I never go anywhere but Lambda. It's a nice feeling to know there's always one available. My job finally moved. We moved last weekend, actually, they moved. I was sick. I did get to go today and worked for about 5 hours. Becky (one of the girls I work with) and I decided to go exploring and see what the building had to offer and where the smoking areas are. We noticed there were a couple restaurants in the building too. Well, one snack bar and one club of some kind that evidently served food and had a great smoking area with little tables under the eves surrounded by trees. I decided to check out the club and found out the name was The Post Oak Club. Sound familiar? Yep, it's THE Post Oak Club. The AA club. The one I've heard so much about for the last two years. The one I've never been to. Someone is hinting that I should go to a meeting. Guess I'll check it out.

If you pray...

2006-03-01T07:53:00.000-06:00

would you please pray for my brother's wife, Margot. They just found out she has cancer, 2 spots in her chest and 2 spots in her brain. I just found out myself. I'm praying now.

I used to love musicals when I was a kid.

2006-02-23T07:09:00.000-06:00

I saw RENT last night on video. My friend Mike asked me if I knew what it was about and I told him no and he said it's about squatters and AIDS. I told him it wouldn't bother me. I can watch AIDS movies and not get more verklempt than I usually do at movies. I sniffled a little bit at the end. I loved it! I liked every single song. The cast was great. Enough of the review.
It made me remember where I was and what I was doing in 1989. It made me reminisce about old friends and lovers who have passed on due to AIDS. It made me remember what it was like to be a squatter. In 1978, I had just become an executive buyer for Kaufmann's Department Store in downtown Pittsburgh. I'd just bought my first new car and had moved to the big city and was living with my brother's ex-girlfriend and another girl and another guy. We lived in this huge, top floor apartment in a building called "The Ellsworth" on Fifth Avenue in Shadyside. It was winter and the heat went out and stayed out. The landlord couldn't or wouldn't fix it. Carol, one of the girls I lived with took matters into her own hands and canvassed the building getting signatures and promises to send the rent to her and she'd put in an escrow account which would hold the money from the landlord utile he fixed the heater. It never happened. And like the characters in RENT, we carried portable heaters with us as we moved from room to room. I had to laugh at the irony of being an "executive" and living like a bum. There's nothing quite like getting up in the morning and seeing your breath while your still in bed. Then running to the kitchen (warmest room in the house) and start heating up the water on the stove so you can bathe and shave. Then putting on your suit and tie and commuting into the city. An executive instead of squatter, once more.

On another subject: That apartment I was thinking of moving to, the rent has been lowered again and it's even more affordable now. Something's just not right about that apartment. I feel it. It makes me hesitant to take the chance on a move there. It's a gut feeling. Nothing I can pinpoint exactly. I know that when I've ignored that feeling before I've regretted it. Sometimes God gives you a hint or a nudge to do the next right thing. I think I'll stay here for a while. The "right" apartment will come along and there's no pressing reason for me to move. Speaking of moving, my job is moving next Wednesday. I've been putting in extra hours trying to get ready and I started packing yesterday. It's exciting and scary. One day at a time.

I also wanted to say that while I'm not as lucky as dAAve in that he's had all cravings of alcohol removed from him...I do feel lucky that I can now go for weeks at a time without a craving. Lately, it's been more about nostalgia then anything else. It's so easy to romanticize the way it used to be. Ha. I know better. It really, never was all that pretty and neither was I.

It's the truth.

2006-02-20T07:04:00.000-06:00

Serenity practice: Virtuous living

Program Principle: A good life is its own reward

“Wisdom is knowing what should be done next. Virtue is doing it."
David Starr Jordan, American educator and peace activist, (1851 - 1931)

Pandora's Box

2006-02-19T13:24:00.000-06:00

If you do any kind of internet radio...you must check this out. It's wonderful, free and commercial free (at the moment). pandora.com Let me know what you think of it. According to JJ the link doesn't work. Just type in the info in your search engine. It's still worth it. :)

When I do stupid things I sometimes wonder how I lived to be this old.

2006-02-19T13:13:00.000-06:00

I just made some garlic, herb bread and just finished making some lasagna to eat with it. I put on the ovenmitts and took out the temperature gauge, took off the mitts and put the lasagnas in the oven and then picked up the temperature gauge that still read 300 degrees and that's when I realized I hadn't put the mitts back on!! STUPID!! I hope aloe vera really works.

So much happened yesterday, most of it good.

2006-02-18T07:31:00.000-06:00

Got my new couch. I got a white one of these with a couch cover in dark green and khaki. I've been thinking about going back and getting the orange cover. Maybe next week. Whatever, it gives me the choice of different couches depending on my mood. Luxury.

I went to the clinic and got my results from the blood work from 6 weeks ago. My triglicerides dropped 45 points, my cholestrol 48 points and my weight 7 pounds. I did diet those 6 weeks and I did cheat once in awhile. The doctor was really impressed. I thought it should have dropped by 100 points but he said I should be proud of the 48. He really didn't expect me to do so well. I told him he just doesn't know me well, yet and that when I decide to do something I really put my all into it. I know I have to work on getting more fish in my diet. Twice a week seems like it would be hard but I'll try. So, good news, no new drugs yet. He's going to let me continue on my diet for another 3 months. Works for me!

I've pretty much given up

2006-02-16T06:21:00.000-06:00

on getting an apartment right now. I just got renter's insurance and have decided to fix up this place I'm living in and will continue to look for a place, one day at a time. I think the perfect place will cost $500 or less, have a great kitchen and a fenced in yard for Max. I'm over trying to train him to be caged. He's been fenced in the yard ever since I got him and there's no need to torture him anymore. I went through a bout of depression on Monday and Tuesday. I kept trying to figure out what was causing it as everything was still going according to plan. Guess I'll just blame it on the full moon as I feel fine now. Work, work, work. It's getting kind of scary now and I'm trying to keep everybody's spirits up (mine too) and approach the coming merger and move with a positive attitude. It ain't easy! Starting Friday I'll be sharing my office and computer with a temporary person and that is really going to slow me down as far as getting everything ready for this move. I've already heard from one of the company's we bought that they're looking forward to giving me all their files. OOOOOH! I can't think about that now. One day at a time!!! My mantra!!

And the hits just keep on coming!

2006-02-13T05:24:00.000-06:00

I've had such a great day.

2006-02-12T15:14:00.000-06:00

Up early and invited Chris over for breakfast. We figured if we ate early enough we could still enjoy brunch later. I made buckwheat pancakes with ham inside, eggs and juice and coffee. Good way to start the day. He left, I showered and then Toni and Miriam picked me up and we went to brunch at Barnaby's. They didn't know there was one on West Gray. Then we drove around for an hour and looked for apartments in the neighborhood for me to rent. At noon we went to Reliant Center to the RV show. Interesting. I could live in one or two of those things. Some of them are bigger than the apartment I live in now. Then off to Ben & Jerry's for ice cream and now a nap would be really nice but I've got to get stuff together for work tomorrow. I'm going to try a new chicken quesidilla recipe I found on allrecipes.com. So it will be early to bed and early to rise and off to work for another week. Hope you have a good week. I'm still apartment hunting. Oh, the girls really seemed to like their Skybars.

Email God?

2006-02-11T07:39:00.000-06:00

www.emails4god.com Well, it's a pretty good idea!

Nothing new to report. I made it through the week. Just waiting to see if I got the new apartment or not. Just waiting to move at work. Got my tooth pulled and it wasn't too bad...still don't want to ever do it again, though. I'm going to the RV show at the Reliant Center tomorrow. My friends Toni and Miram are taking me. I'm not in the market for an RV but what the hay, it should be fun and I so enjoy their company that it doesn't really matter what we do as long as we do it together. I made deer chili last night. Gee this is all so exciting isn't it? Sorry. Just wanted to post and didn't have anything pressing to say. Hope ya'll have a great weekend.

For me, being Serene means not being afraid.

2006-02-07T02:45:00.000-06:00

Serenity Practice: Open Mindedness...
Program Principle: Change demands openness...

"Be open-minded, but not so open-minded that your brains fall out."
Stephen A. Kallis, Jr., Contemporary American writer

Jack C.
The Serenity Project

My cold seems to be gone. Normally (while I was still drinking) I'd get a cold which would turn into a sinus infection that would end up as bronchitis or pneumonia. However, this time, I got the cold, continued to work everyday but got lot's of sleep and medicated only with Alka seltzer Cold Plus and chicken soup. (not together) Exactly 7 days later the cold is gone. It's a miracle. I have to admit I was miserable during those 7 days. Another miracle is I'm getting a tooth pulled on Thursday and I'm not afraid. That I'm looking for a new apartment and I'm not stressed out. Yet. That everything in my life is going well and that I'm able to cope on a daily basis with all of it. I don't have to or want to hide in a bottle. That's the real miracle.

I'm coping this from a guy I read

2006-02-05T06:12:00.000-06:00

often. www.nakedboychronicles.blogspot.com I think he hit the nail on the head.

You know you're in 2006 when . . .
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

Take one of these and

2006-02-05T04:31:00.000-06:00

put it over your nose and then try and get some sleep. That's about what it's been like the past few days. Day 7, it will have to start getting better soon, I hope. Snort. My whole family will be watching the game today. I guess I will too. Being from Pittsburgh originally I've always liked the Steelers. Of course, I'll be watching the spectacular commercials. If you'd like to see past Superbowl commercials you can check them out at www.superbowl-ads.com/2006/index.html I know I missed a lot of them due to drunken snoozes, but not in the last few years. Enjoy the game.

As if I didn't feel bad enough...

2006-02-01T16:07:00.000-06:00

I've been sick the last three days but still going to work for a bit everyday. Today, I only made it for 2.5 hours and was on my way home, driving down this feeder road that has a speed limit of 35 mph. I was only going 40 mph. and the guy who was on the other side of the median flashed his lights at me to warn me there was a cop on the other side of the hill. I went over the hill, past the cop, over the next hill and flashed my lights to warn the next person to come along. There was another cop just over that hill. He ran out in front of me and waved me into his parking space and boy, Howdy was he pissed. I told him it seemed like the polite thing to do at the time. He threatened me with immediate county jail time and kept on yelling. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, blah, blah, blah. (in the old days I might have joked with him, but not now) I got all subservient and did the yes sir, no sir, please sir, don't arrest me sir, routine. I promised never to flash my lights again! I kept thinking...I don't feel good now. How am I going to feel after a year in jail? Will I still have this cold? I'd have got out of the car and licked his boots if I had to. I was being that meek. He let me go and I said thanks for not arresting me and drove off. I didn't flash my lights once, on the way home.

Sometimes all it takes is a smile...

2006-01-30T16:34:00.000-06:00

This morning, on my way to work, cruising down Westheimer at about 45 or 50 mph...it was early and the lights are timed, if you go fast enough you can almost get the whole way down the street. So, I pull up to the stoplight and notice one lone headlight right behind me. The motorcycle cop pulls up along side and without thinking, I flash him a big smile and a "Good Morning"! He smiles back and says who's that behind you and I introduce Max. He drives off and I think...did I just get out of a ticket? Maybe I did, maybe not, but it was a nice way to start the day. He was sort of cute. Must be the uniform.

2006 Houston Auto Show

2006-01-29T08:20:00.000-06:00

I'm going today with some friends from AA. Zane and dAAve. Maybe a few more. I think we'll have a good time. I'm certainly looking forward to it. I always like to go and see what I'm not going to buy this year. I've been sitting here listening to meditation music from Launchcast and reading the latest edition of Guideposts. Not a bad thing to do on a foggy Sunday morning.

I'm off to a meeting in a little bit. Now I finally have a chance to get rid of some of this candy! AA people LOVE candy!

Quotes that have meaning for me today...

2006-01-29T08:13:00.000-06:00

"The real miracle of forgiveness is to remember and still forgive."--Len D. McMillan, in his book, Person to Person

"The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money." Bernard Meltzer, professor emeritus of law, University of Chicago

"We know that God's arithmetic is somewhat odd. When you subtract by giving away, you get more."--Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu

I forgot to tell you.

2006-01-27T20:16:00.000-06:00

I emailed my boss yesterday and told him I wanted $1 an hour raise. He emailed me back today and said he'd get it started next Monday. Gee, that was easy.

I've been sober for awhile now....

2006-01-27T19:42:00.000-06:00

going on 8 months. Yet, I find myself angry with the neighbors who are all getting high. It's almost as if I envy them. I don't, really. I don't want to go back to the way I was. It's just that they're so inconsiderate. They park in my space, litter and have party's at 4 am. when I'm trying to sleep. And then I remember how everything used to be all about me. I was just as inconsiderate as they are now. Maybe they'll grow out of it, maybe they won't. Lord knows, it took me 36 years to see the light.

Hey Hey I'm the Candy Man!

2006-01-26T18:33:00.000-06:00

Would you like some candy little boy? (only 18 & older need apply) Today I gave candy to my barber, the lady that cleaned my teeth at the dentist, my friend Craig, his neighbor Helen, my friends Jim & Jon and the guy next door. Tomorrow, it will be given to the girls in the office, a few of the truck drivers, the CFO and the CEO of the company that I work for. he he I'm just getting started. It seems that Skybars never made it to the South. No one I know who grew up here has ever heard of them.