Wednesday, June 29, 2005
glass flowers 3
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Generally When You See Someone using a payphone in my neighborhood, and it's 5:30 am., you tend to think their cell phone has died and they're calling 911 or else they're looking for drugs. This morning I heard the voice of a guy on the phone across the street as I was walking Max. I recognized him right away and thought there go I but for the grace of God. I remember him from about 2 years ago. Too bad. So, almost home and 3 people, 2 guys and 1 girl are doing the "Power Walk" towards their next hit of crack and I recognize the girl. She used to live across the street at the Women's Shelter and Max would always stop to say HI on our walks. She had gotten her life together and was working as a transcriptionist in a large hospital in the Medical Center. She got her own apartment and I'd see her from time to time in the neighborhood. Today she looked thinner that I remember her and she was missing a front tooth. She was still in her scrubs so I don't know if she's still working or what. She was nice when she was sober. Too bad.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Good one of Max
This isn't really my dog Max but it looks almost exactly like him. The landlord just told me they're doing more work next door, again. So I guess Max will go to work with me tomorrow. He's pretty good. He greets each employee at the door and spends entirely too much time with my boss. My boss seems to like him though. After a bit he ends up just laying on the floor waiting for me to make a move. He's my shadow.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Sitting here listening to PBS's presentation of Celtic Women. This music really moves me. I don't know if I have any Celtic blood in my family tree. My brother did a family tree some years ago. Wish I still had a copy. I think we have Welsh, Irish, German, Scottish and Cherokee blood in our line. Probably a few more no one wrote down. I know I really love music with violins or fiddles. I think my Mom played Violin when she was young. I seem to remember finding one in the attic when I was little. They just did Danny Boy. It was nice to see all those women, old and young alike, singing along under their breaths. Too bad PBS's gifts are so expensive. I'd buy something if they sold it for say $5 or $10 over the usual listed price. $50 over is just too much for my limited purse strings. Maybe someday. I do support them in theory at least.
It's Been a Busy Week
I've been trying to go to more meetings during the week. But lately, the past couple nights I've been reading instead of watching TV and consequently not going to bed before 12 or 12:30. Naturally then I can't seem to get up at 4 am and so I sleep till 8 or so and then do stuff around here and go to the 12:15 and then leave immediately and go to work and work till 6 or 7pm. Sort of a complete turn around from my old schedule. Gay Pride Parade is tonight but I want to go to the center for Birthday night first. Then if I have enough energy I'll ride my bike over to the parade. I've got some non-drinking friends who'll be at the curve so I won't have to watch it alone. As always I'll just have to wait and see how I feel. I've decided not to go back to the gym at this time. I have to admit that I'm not as young or as drunk as I used to be and I can't really do everything that I think I should be able to do. I don't like it! Hopefully they'll let me come back at some later time. Maybe after I get my 1 year chip. My sponsor and therapist both seem to think that's some kind of milestone to judge everything else by. I don't. It's just another month on my road to recovery. Yeah it's neat to have a year but it could all be over in a minute. I keep reading my journal and trying to decide what to post next, but I don't know. I think I'm tired of reading it. Guess I'll just let it be for now. My friend Mike is in Chicago on vacation and I just got off the phone with him. He says they're having a heatwave and everybody is running around downtown in bikinis and swimsuits. Guys riding around on their bikes half nude. He says, "That will work." I'm glad he's having a good time. First vacation he's had in almost 6 years. I am leaving for Pennsylvania on July 28 and returning on Aug 5. I go home to PA once a year. I was sober last time I went home but it was only because I had just got out of the hospital. This will be the first time I've gone home with 8 months sobriety. I'm trying not to project about what its going to be like. They mean well but they often hurt my feelings with the things they say. They, of course, remember all the things I did to myself and others while drinking and yeah, I remember those things too, but we really don't have to talk about them again. It's in the past and there's nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is my best from here on out. It's horrible but the little digs I got thw last time I was home are still in my memories today. How dumb is that? Oh well...It will be OK. Why worry? I can always call dAAve or Scott or Norris if I feel an alcoholic escape looming. It will be OK. It will be OK. It will be OK. You get the gist. Later.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Back, way back when I was in my 20's I got to drive a Dodge Charger. Boy it was a sweet car. I was working as a stockboy for a local store called Lloyd & Johnson's. It was hard work but I liked it. That's also where I got to meet and work with Patti L. She was this feisty, 5' high Italian woman who was so funny. She and I hit it off immediately and became fast friends at L&J. Some years later, my Mom started to work there too and she and Patti became fast friends. I'd stop in from time to time and visit. Patti never seemed to change. Always outgoing and friendly to everyone. After my father died and Mom had sold the house she went to live in a duplex and guess who lived on the other side. Patti of course. Amazing that she could have affected our lives so continuously through those many years. She's still a great friend to both my Mom and our family and we're so lucky.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Day 23? 02-04-04
Still going through the hell of not drinking. I go through moods of feeling OK or mostly alright and then deep deep depression. I could list all the things that make me feel depressed but I won't. I have so many feelings swimming around in my head. As always there's the car. I'm afraid (at the moment) to look for work. Am I now lazy? I didn't used to be..I used to be driven by a will to succeed. I just talked to my sponsor and he suggested I look into counseling. I think I can get someone at the Montrose Clinic.
Day 26 02-06-04 What a day yesterday was! I talked to Jewel in the morning and she asked about the title transfer. I lied and said I'd get it done this week. Took a shower before the 12:15 and found myself crying in the shower. Stopped, got dressed and went to the meeting. Joe was there, I said Hi and started to cry and had to leave the meeting. Felt impossible to shoulder all the responsibilities and take care of all the stuff that was happening to me at this time and all the stuff that happened to me while I was drunk and didn't deal with at all. If I drank I didn't have to worry about not having money, a job or fixing the car or whatever and then of course I'd have to worry about it with a hangover later. Talked and cried to Joe and finally got calmed down enough to return for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. The subject was people who come in and look really upset. LOL Did my little scene help lead them to discus this subject? I don't know but it sure helped me. Came home and called Corene and cried some more. Eating some not very good soup now. Well, maybe I won't drink today and maybe the soup will taste better tomorrow.
This should be interesting!
My landlord just called and told me they're going to put carpet in the neighboring apartment and I'd need to do something with my dog. I can't leave him in the house as he'll flip out and eat the apartment, again. I'm not chaining him in the yard in this heat so I called my boss and asked if I could bring my dog to work for the day and he said sure. No problem. I guess it's bring your kid to work day.
Day 16 01-27-04
I didn't have any money at all. I wrote a bad check at the liquor store and got to packs of cigs and 1 fifth of vodka and a bottle of tonic. At 4 am. I've drunk it all and I don't feel guilty. I should. I broke my favorite night light from Craig and Terry. Don't remember a thing but it's shattered and laying there on the floor. I can see where I fell on my face and scraped my nose. Lucky my glasses didn't break as they have so many times before. I feel bad about lying to everyone but I hate to give up my 16 days. If I don't remember drinking does that mean it's real? Just walked the dog and I'm still drunk. Only one pack of cigs left and can't see any other way to get more except to write another bad check and get more booze. I hate to buy the booze but it seems like such a waste not to drink it when it's here. Just talked to Jewel and she suggested I call restaurants to see if they'll need any help for SuperBowl. I told her I wasn't sure I ever want to work in a restaurant again, ever. She snapped at me about needing money and I just suggested she have a nice lunch and hung up. What's the point of working if I'm not going to enjoy the job.
Day 17 01-28-04 Sober now. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! Very depressed about everything. I'm still calling the days as I didn't go out and drink day after day like I always did before.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
After reading this again I realize what a piece of work I was or still am.
Day 11 01-22-04 Too busy to write yesterday. Two meeting both good. Too busy and tired to with now. Went to the museum with Steve today. We both enjoyed it and didn't see everything there was to see. I feel like I'm coming down with a sinus infection. Still using my nasal wash. Two meeting today too. Night.
Day 12 01-d23-04 Strange day. Picked up Joel at 4am. At the Gap and took him home to the Heights. Went to the 6:30 meeting but left an 7 cause I still felt like I was coming down with something. Home and 2 Ibuprofin and a nap. Went to clinic and got forms for gold card and Luarel. Went to 12:15 and David Stone took me to lunch at Luby's. Did the groceries courtesy fo Stone Soup. Came home took 2 Ibuprofin and back to sleep till 7 pm. Went to 8 pm meeting and home anew dinner and bed again. Do feel better. All good meetings.
Day 13 01-25-04 Garage sale at Ken and Chuck's , went to Colletta's and helped for a bit. Email machine died today. Threw it out. Ken said he'll give me his old PC or his sister's lap top. Still have infection. Miserable tonight but good day. Chuck was drinking and talking about alcohol. He kept apologizing for talking about it. No big deal. I didn't go to a meeting today but will tomorrow. Saw Fran and Bill today too. They were walking their dog.
Sometimes I Forget
that my dog is as smart as he is. We just had a moment of pure communication. I was reading the paper and he came over a licked my hand so I petted him for a few minutes and then stopped. He licked me again and I looked down and said, "What?" He sat down and just looked at me. I asked him what do you want. He looked at me then looked at the drawer where I keep his ball. Then he looked back at me. I said OK, I guess we can do that. He starts to whine a little and wag his tail. I said let me get my shoes on and we'll do it. He starts jumping around and barking. I never once mentioned the ball but he knew what he was asking me to do and that I had agreed. Now he does have me trained to open and close the door on command. He nudges the umbrella hanging on the door knob when he wants out and when he wants in he jumps up on the window sill and looks at me until I let him in. It's so nice of him to let me live here.
Yesterday I drove to Target to look for a new CD player for the car. While I was there I saw a least 20 people in front of the card rack looking for father's day cards. I got a little wistfull thinking that I had no reason to get a card as my dad passed away sometime ago. When he got out of the hospital from his last heart surgery he had me pick him up in Pittsburgh. He told me to bring one of his cigars and two cans of beer. This was at 9 in the morning. He lit up that cigar and popped one of those cans open and told me to drive him home. On the way home he had me stop at a bar so he could get a shot and some more beer for the road home. And now I wonder where my alcoholism might have come from. When I got out of the hospital in my last near-death experience I immediately went to the store and bought cigs. I waited a bit for the liquor but eventually went right back to the way I used to be. Such a waste. Today is also the anniversary of the best Father's Day gift I ever gave my dad. I took off for Houston 24 years ago today. Dad really liked his gift! I'd only stayed with them a few weeks before I moved here but I guess, to dad, it seemed like years. We fought a lot during my 20's but after I hit 30 we got along pretty well. I don't know if it was just me maturing or him having heart surgery and mellowing a bit. Whatever the reason we could now enjoy quality drinking time together. Ah the good ole days. I do still miss him and every once in a while I cook something he used to make or gave me a recipe for. Sort of my way of remembering him.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Day 9 Jan. 20, 2004
Today's the day. I'm going to drop off a note to Doug at the 611. He has till tomorrow at 9 am to get his clothes or I'm dropping them off at the 611 front porch. I have to pickup Tampa and take him to the bank and then and then he'll cut my hair for free. Then AA at 12:15 and at 1:30 the beginnings of 10 loads of laudry. Well that's not going to happen. I disticnctly remember having $40 left in my basket to live on for the rest of the month. I went to get a few bucks more and it's all gone. I didn't spend it, I don't think I hid it but I'm not sure. Did someone climb the fence while Max and I were walking and go to the usual place I store the money? I didn't lock the door - just the gate. And as if life isn't interesting enough I got a temp sponser today named Joe Mc Elwee. He seems nice and I don't know him so he'll make me think differently. Then when Mike was cutting my hair he told me about a hair dye that didn't have any amonia in it. Sounded good to me . Little did I know that #10 was light and # 1 was dark. I got reddish brown #4. I'm now a red head god damn it! Now I'm trying to strip it out by wearing lemon juice for the next 20 minutes. It's enough to make me want a drink! Not! I hope it comes out I don't want to be a reddish gray! I 've decided to just live with it. So I went to the 8:00 pm and no one even noticed. I guess I'm lucky.
Friday, June 17, 2005
All in a Morning.
This isn't my current car. I have a 1993 Subaru Impreza, it's smaller than this, cuter, turquoise and gets waaay better gas mileage. I used to have a Torino like this. It was the first, no second car I've ever owned that burned. The first one was the Taxi I drove...But that's another story. Today's post is about my not very perfect morning. Because every time I take my car to the shop and ask them to fix something electrical they say we don't know how to do that and so I decide to take my car to a bonafide Subaru dealer and get it inspected and have them check out a few things and give me an estimate on what it would all cost. Three hours and $181.20 later I've gotten a bulb, a fuse and my clutch adjusted. That's it. The main costs were for the time it took to estimate the estimate. They wanted $89 to estimate the cost of fixing the AC. I told them some other time. When the service guy came and told me how much it was (and they hadn't fixed anything yet) I yelled at him. He didn't deserve that, he's nice, and I apologized immediately. I felt like crying. I then thought of AA. Gratitude I thought. Where can I get gratitude out of this. I sat outside on a golf cart and smoked a cig and enjoyed the cool breeze. I thought I'd be able to work extra the next two weeks to help pay back the money I owe my sponsor (Nor Nor) and still get the car fixed eventually. Seven weeks ago that wouldn't have been an option as I wasn't working. Something else to be grateful for. I enjoyed the breeze some more (grateful for that too) and thought at least I have my health. Thought of Doughgirl again and said a prayer that everything would work out ok for her. So in the space of 20 minutes I went from angry to grateful thanks to AA. So I went in and apologized again to Donny the service guy and that's when he told me he couldn't do the inspection because they can't inspect cars older the 1995 and he'd just found out. I took it calmly and said no problem. Ahhhh Serenity. So on the first of July I'll try again somewhere else to get my car inspected as I'll have both my work and SS check and hopefully everything will work out and I'll be able to pay my current debts to Nor Nor and maybe even get started on saving up for air conditioning. LOL Will wonders never cease.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Day 8 Jan. 19, 2004
For the first time since quitting drinking I slept from 11 pm to 7 am. non-stop. That's 8 hours and it's about time. 8:45 am. Jamie just called crying. Says he dropped James off here last night around 8 pm. Luckily I was at a meeting. He was hoping James could stay here for a few days. I said absolutely not! I'm at 8 days sober now and the last thing I need is an Alcoholic staying here with me. I'll talk about this at meeting today for sure. Seems Jaime can't remember where he stayed or where his money went and he's at the 611 now. I don't need this crap right now! Hell, I've still got Doug's stuff in my closet! Scott asked me if I could do collections for his company. I don't know if that's something I'd enjoy doing-Ha-I wouldn't. I already know how they do their job...They call me all the time.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
My Mom Called Me Yesterday
to see when I was coming home for a visit and to ask how the job was going and when I thought I'd be through. When I started here, I really thought I'd be here for 4 to 6 months, get their files in order, clean up the backlog and move on to the next job. I figured I'd get a good reference and perhaps be able to do the same time of work for another company. When Mom asked me when I thought the job would be over, I started laughing. While I'm holding my own, I could very easily fall behind. My new estimate of when this job could be finished is sometime in the year 2008. Maybe not even then. Looks like if I want it, I've got myself a job. I really do enjoy it. Guess I'll stay.
Yesterday after I posted I emailed my boss with much the same thing I said here. He emailed me back and said yes I would get an excellent reference but only if I ever finished the job and considering the girl's feelings about filing he thought this could go on indefinitely at least in a limited capacity. He said let's wait and see what the future brings. What a nice guy.
Page 2 with deletions of the really, really boring parts...
Day 4 Jan. 15, 2004 Up at 3:30 am. oh well. Diarrhea again took another pill. Hives are gone. Had 1.5 cups of coffee and tried to eat but it didn't go well and Max got most of it.Still shaking but less then yesterday spoke to Jewel this morning. She was very cool and aloof. Guess I'll have to work to win back her respect. Going to the 12:15 meeting today. Maybe another one later. It was a good meeting. All about spirituality and your idea of God or a Higher Power. Made a lot of sense, at last. I'm not afraid anymore about the religion thing. I have aches and pains in lots of places. I've heard this process of getting sober takes a couple weeks. I'll make it.
Day 5 Jan 16, 2004 Slept a good 5 hours last night. Went to Walgreen's and applied for a job. Screwed up the making change part. Can't believe I screwed that part up. That's the one thing I really know how to do! AA was spiritual again. That's the third time in a row. If it's like that tomorrow I'm leaving. My time is too important to sit thru reruns. Had a craving for you-know-what at about 5pm. Started reading a book instead.
Help! All I seem to do is eat and clean. Yesterday the floors, today the oven twice, tomorrow the fridge and microwave. And Food! Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack, snack! I'm up 5 lbs. In the last 5 days.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
And Now I've Realized I've Been Tagged.
What time did you get up this morning? - 4 am.
Diamonds or pearls? - diamonds
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? - Star Wars Revenge of the Sith
What is your favourite TV show? - CSI the original
What is your middle name? -Gordon
What is your favorite cuisine? - Italian
What foods do you dislike? - pigs ears, pigs feet, limberger cheese and any kind of organ meats (no comments HP)
What is your favourite crisp/chip flavour? - crunchy Cheetos
What is your favourite CD at the moment? -best of Rick Braun
What is your favorite song? - You can have my husband but please don't mess with my man.
What kind of vehicle do you drive? - 1993 Subaru Impreza
What is your favourite sandwich? - Corned Beef on Rye
What characteristics do you despise? - lying and cheating
What is your favourite item of clothing? - Fedora
If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go? -MA to see Doughgirl
What colour is your bathroom? - misty green with darker green trim
What colour pants are you wearing? - Dark blue plaid shorts
Where would you retire? - I already have and I'm living in Houston
What is your favourite time of the day? - Sunrise
Most memorable birthday? - 50th, I wasn't supposed to live that long!
What's the last thing you ate? -Whole wheat pasta with spegetti sauce and meatballs
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? - Turquoise because I love the 50's
What is your favorite cartoon character? - Spiderman
What is your favorite flower? - Gladiolas
What fabric detergent do you use? - Arm & Hammer
Coke or Pepsi? - Coke
Do you wish on stars? - sometimes
What is your shoe size? - US 9
Do you have any pets? - Max, Austrialian Blue Heeler, 7 years young and very smart.
Last person you talked to on the phone? - my friend Mike
What did you want to be when you were little? - Veternarian
What are you meant to be doing now? - working while sober, a first for me
What do you first notice about someone? - hair
What was your favourite toy as a child? - sister's easy bake oven
Summer or winter? - summer
Hugs or Kisses? - Hugs
Chocolate or vanilla? - vanilla
Living arrangements? - Max and I live in a one room effeciency with a great private courtyard
When was the last time you cried? - Two days ago while watching Cider House Rules.
What is under your bed? - knap sack, a really long green rug, pair of dumbells
In how many cities have you lived? - Butler, PA, Pittsburgh, PA, Houston, TX Los Angeles, CA Laganua Beach, CA Chatam, MA, Phoenix, AZ Brookshire, TX Coloumbus, TX Sarver, PA
Favourite movie of all time?- All About Eve
Mountains or beach? - beach
Full names of your potential kids? - Not Going to Happen!
What is your usual bedtime? - 10:30 to 11:30 pm
I've Decided to go Back in Time.....
Not too far back, just to Jan. 12, 2004. That was the day I decided to quit drinking. I'm writing this today to show all of you who are still going back out and drinking and drugging that you can quit. Honest to God, if I can you can. Back then I started a journal so I'd remember just how it felt to quit and why I wanted to. Here goes....
Jan. 12, 2004 I wanted to get this all down so I can look back and remember exactly what I went through to get sober and stay that way. Today I said "I quit"! After drinking and partying for about 3 months. My last party session lasted 3 straight days and nights. I've spent most of the time the house drinking with several forays to either the liquor store or to the 611 to pick up a trick and some drugs. On this day I began the process of getting straight. Don't remember much just felt hungover.
Day 2 Jan 13, 2004 Can't eat or sleep. The shakes have started, also projectile vomiting and the sweats/chills. Lasts all day and night. Feel like I'm going to die and sort of wish I could.
Day 3 Jan. 14, 2004 It's finally over-sort of. Still shaking but am able to get some chicken noodle soup for breakfast. Went of AA and really enjoyed it. After went with Don K. And friends to Luby's. Eleven people total. Slept for 4 hours last night and woke up with diarrhea. Went to bed and immediately got hives. Could it have been something I ate?
That's page 1. More to come.
Monday, June 13, 2005
I had a TV that I got about 5 years ago. It was a Magnovox probably a 30". One day I noticed a green area in the upper left corner. No biggy. A few days later it had grown to a patch across the top. A month later the whole TV reminded me of what it's like to wear 3-D glasses. So I bit the bullet and bought another TV this time a flat screen but still a Magnavox. I don't care, I think they make good TV's and that was just a fluke. The other night I noticed Miss Marple's hair was an unsightly green on the left side of her head. I thought OH NO not again! Then I remembered someone in the program telling me my old TV wasn't probably broken but it was because I had my stereo speakers on each side of it. I jumped up and moved the speakers and Miss Marple's hair was immediately a nice uniform grey. It stayed that way through the whole show. She caught the bad guys, don't you know. So looks like I didn't have to get rid of the old tv but I really do like the new one. So don't put you speakers beside your tv even if it already has speakers built in. It's really not enough shielding.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Sometimes I Wonder....
if I'm all there? On Monday my friend Mike and I were doing errands and he asked if it would be alright with me if we went to Spec's as he needed to order some deviled eggs for a party. Spec's is this huge liquor warehouse where I used to shop from time to time. I was thinking I hadn't passed that test yet so I said sure and we went. We ordered his food and on the way out went down a few rows as he decided which bourbon to buy. We went down the Vodka row and I started thinking. I used to drink that brand, oooh that brand is good for a martini with olives, that's the brand I used to drink with tonic, etc. etc. Suddenly I said, I've got to get out of here! I waited in the car for him to finish up. The only good thing that came from that trip was I managed to buy a hot/cold carrying bag. There's no AC in my car and the last time I brought popsicles home they were slush. So today after cleaning my friend's apt. I stopped at the store and bought more popsicles, chicken and milk and was thinking as I got to the car about that bag I bought and giving it a test run. I set down my stuff and wrestled with the bag to get it open, finally did, put the popsicles and chicken in it and finally got it to snap shut. Not the easiest bag I've ever used and then came home. My milk was gone. It was still sitting in the parking lot at Kroger's. Dumb, Dumb, what was I thinking? Drove back right away and knew the milk would be gone. It was. Checked in the store and yes some good Samaritan turned it in and I was able to get a new one. See there are good people in the world and I guess they shop at Kroger's.
Everything is Better Today
There's no specific reason why it just is. I've had time to think about my feelings and I realize they're valid. Now I need to act on them. I'm going to see if I can get a leave-of-absence from the gym. My trainer sounded really supportive when I told him I was having problems, yesterday. So I'll see how it goes. I'm cleaning a friend's apt. this morning for cash...still need to make money and I'm going to go get my car washed this morning at the center. Only $5 for a complete wash. I'll just have to tell them not to wash the roof. That sunroof is just decoration. Leaks like a sieve. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. No reason to drink that I can think of.
Friday, June 10, 2005
After such a moving gratitude list how can I write this on the same day?
This is just not going well. I saw my therapist today and once again he reminded me about my going from zero to sixty in such a short time. I didn't go to the gym on Wednesday, I slept. I'm not going today, I just got up from a 2.5 hour nap. I wish I'd never joined. This isn't about the crying jag. This is about biting off more than I can chew. I know, I know. The whole time I wasn't working all I wanted to do was work. And the whole time I wasn't working out all I wanted to do was work out. So what's the problem? I still feel tired all the time. I still feel depressed. I keep wondering if my meds are working properly. I still like the job. I just don't want to do so much after I get off work. At least not yet. I've changed my mind. Is that alright? I need to be able to savor my down time. God I sound selfish. I don't like this new me. This is not going well, at all.
Today I’m Grateful for:
A beautiful sunrise on the way to work
That the clouds seem so close here in Texas
For ground fog on the fields
For my sponsor who never sleeps and is always there for me
That my dog understands when I’m in a hurry
Chris Isaac’s Heart Shaped World
That it’s Friday
That I’ve got a full schedule today and I’ll get it all done and not have to think about it anymore.
That I’m going back to the gym today, embarrassment and all.
That I have good, true friends here in AA and out there
And most important, I’m thankful that I’m grateful.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Now I've Really embarrassed Myself!
I've had a bit of a busy day, lots of running around in the AC impaired car. Kept myself hydrated by drinking lots of bottled water. At least 5 so far. Then I had to go to the gym and while I wasn't particularly excited about the prospect of working out (I seldom am excited) I went because I'm now a responsible citizen of AA. I didn't feel very strong but it was a fairly normal workout until the end. I was on the stationary bicycle and having to peddle for 16 minutes. At 3 minutes I realized that I wasn't going to make it. I told my trainer who said just keep on peddling. At 5 minutes 39 seconds my legs shut off and I couldn't peddle anymore. I told the trainer and when he came over to check I started to cry. Not just all misty eyed but good ole heart wrenching sobbing. I fled to the bathroom, composed myself and splashed some water on my face and took a deep breath and went back to sign out. I tried to explain but of course, broke out in tears again. Made it to the car and sobbed some more. What I tried to explain to the trainer thru my tears, was that now that I'm sober I have to deal with a lot of feelings that I never used to deal with at all. Like the feelings of inadequacy, disappointments in myself, why can't I do what other people can do, why am I not good enough, why don't I try harder, etc., etc., etc.. Of course they're just feelings. They go away most of the time. I am dealing with them. I am getting better. I'm not just ignoring them by drinking myself into oblivion. I'm dealing. I think maybe I just over did it today and was a bit dehydrated in spite of my efforts not to become so. I'll take another DEEP BREATH. I'll be OK. No, I am OK.
Hey it's not a deer but it's the only pic I could find on short notice of an animal. I don't eat mule either.
Just Finished Bambi
Now I know why I never wanted to hunt. I remember going hunting with my Dad and a few of his friends. Dad's idea of hunting was to sit on the front porch of the cabin, drinking beers and shooting at any rabbits that went by. I can't remember him ever really getting a buck or doe. But I remember someone getting one, in the woods when I was a kid. I was so shocked and could only stare as the poor animal finally died. I knew then and there that I'd never kill anything while hunting. I know that the time dad took me, I shot 2 trees and a beer can. That was the extent of my hunting experience. At the risk of what HP will say...I do still eat meat. Just don't kill it myself.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I've been watching Bambi.
I remember this as the first movie I ever cried over. I sort of remember crying when his mother died. I've got to ask my Mommie Dearest how old I was then. It was released in 1942 and I wasn't born till 1951 so if I saw it when I was 5 it would have been 14 years old by then. I can still remember sitting in the seats at the theater with mom and my little brother Lance. Little did I know that this would be one of the defining moments in my life. I also remember crying when Ole Yeller died. Just a preview of what was to come. I can cry. I get misty eyed at meetings, at Hallmark commercials, after reading a good book and even just communicating with someone on the phone. I'm almost to 7 months of sobriety and I don't see any changes in my ability NOT to cry. I don't always like it when it happens but it's usually because I'm moved by whatever is happening. I'm so easily moved. I can laugh about it now. I sort of thought that once I got sober I'd stop crying so easily but doesn't look like that's going to happen. Ah well. It's cool to see these old movies that I saw as a kid and wonder what I was thinking way back when. At least I'm thinking now.
Friday, June 03, 2005
The Old and the New....Me That Is.
Back in 1985 when I was diagnosed HIV+ I thought of it as a death sentence. Back then it pretty much was. So I decided then and there that there was absolutely no reason to save any money for my old age. It was also just the excuse I needed to go ahead and drink and drug myself to oblivion. After all, I was going to die really soon. Well, 20 years later, I'm still here and sober, no less. Today I got my usual SS check and for the first time a full paycheck from my new job. I normally spend every cent I have usually in one or two days. This morning I went to get the car inspected and they were too busy to take me unless I was willing to wait for 45 minutes. I said I'd be back and took off to the grocery store. As I got out of the car I just stopped moving and stood there. Then I got back in the car and came home thinking that the old me would have paid for whatever the garage said I needed. Instead I'm going to have a friend look it over before I take it to the garage to be inspected. Then I'll go in armed and prepared for their opinion. I have money in the bank and for the first time ever, I WANT TO KEEP IT THERE. Now that's unusual. So I know it will get spent no matter what I do but at least I'll try to keep it there as long as possible. In a few months, after a few paychecks things will level out and and I'll feel better about everything. I hope.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Blogging This for the First Time
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I think this is funny.
I've been working out for a month now. I really haven't seen any difference except that my waist has dropped 4 inches but I've gained a pound. Must be repositioning the extra weight. I was talking to my Mom the other day and I told her about these lumps I seem to have on the backs of my legs. She sounded worried and asked what they were. I said calf muscles! She was so excited. Now that's scary when your own mom thinks you've got skinny legs. I've always said no one was going to marry me for my legs. Well maybe they will if I keep at it. LOL Today I ran into an old friend who mentioned that I've never looked so heavy. The Bitch! But another friend suggested he might have meant Beefy. I guess...I like that better. He also said he was surprised at the shape I seem to be getting in to so quickly. Hell, it seems to be taking forever, to me. But I guess there must be some changes happening if other people are noticing. I'm glad I'm doing this. Don't worry I don't want to end up an Arnold. Just would like to be in shape for the rest of my old age. Go ahead. Make a muscle.